Dear Whoever

Dear Whoever,

I don’t even know why I’m writing. I’m just supposed to write every day. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t even know what to write about. Life? Love?  Really I complain about lately are these two things.  I make it seem that I have no happiness.  I just want one day for that to be here. But it doesn’t seem to want to be with me lately. I have tried so many ways to make it stay. My smile seems to dislike my face. The smallest can shove me back towards my black hole.

I know my life is not bad. I know there are far worse for others, yet they are able to keep their chin up and a hop in their step. I, being a bull in a china shop with my life, love and happiness, though, seem not able me to keep any smiles. I am very happy for you and all that is happening with you, though. But, then that tiny little bug of disappointment makes her way into my mind, begins to look around and around. “Well, how come you don’t have anyone that wants to buy a house with you?” “Why isn’t anyone one of your dating sites going out with you?” “How come not a person has responded to the your number that you had the balls to leave them?!?!”  This petty, little bug tried to push the happy pieces out, not allowing me to wish the good things for you, just allowing Negative Nancy to make her way back into my heart. She begins to think of all the nasty, disgusting comments to leave on your pages, for your pictures.  Grumpy cat is about to meet his match.

I appear also to not be meant for this, what is it called, employment? I believe I used to, maybe four, five years ago. I know back in those days, the highest levels of education weren’t required for what appeared to be the simplest careers. Employers did not wish for you to have multiple years of experience just to have you come in to make their copies and answer their phones. Ah, no, back in our youth, merely filling out their paper and handing over with a smile was basically the hiring process. Now, though, even after a person sends out 412 letters begging an employer, applies to 439 hiring companies and then sits on her floor while watching how a person is to meet another’s mother all day while still searching for whatever this country has, shows that she never gives up and never surrenders. Whether it be liberty or it be whatever this nation has hidden in those old historic walls. Perhaps that is where my Waldo is hidden with my heart, maybe even my boss. Hey, potato potatoe.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Steele

Love Is In The Air

Oh hurrah! Another is moving so quickly down that road I am greatly beginning to loath, while I just stand and stare at. The road of love and happiness is what I believe it to be. I know that we were all put on this earth for one other person, at least that’s how I feel, but it may take us more than one sip before we find the good whiskey. These days, that’s all I feel the need for. I feel that I have been obsessing too much over relationships. I obsess only because I make it seem like my days are growing shorter. I know I am still a young gal and can accomplish so much. But hearing about one of my last people about ready to not live alone, but with the one that they love, I could feel my insides beginning to tear themselves apart. Maybe I had helped them find their other half, the half that they had turned three pages for and found. Well, wah-hoo, good for you! It’s only taken me three dating sites, twenty singles meet ups, and three speed dating’s and I still sit here, looking through my shrinking Facebook, wondering how long it will be before I am the last one. That’s a little more than three measly pages.
Why is love always in the air? There must be some way to get rid of it. Lysol maybe? This atom bomb I’m learning about, perhaps? I don’t mind “it”, that one time of year, since all that chocolate is involved. Of course, that is always just another time I begin to shallow away at hating my empty heart. There really are only two good days in a year, anyway: the 4th of July; this gives you an excuse to drink. And the 22nd of February, because, well, we must never forget our first president. What a great man he was!
Love should also not be in our Motorcitiy since these love bugs are more prone to the fresh, non-gasoline drenched air. Oh well, if they ever did make it through the snow, rain, or heat they would probably just smash themselves on a person’s windshield while flying from heart to heart.
My bed is still all mine, though. I get to lay wherever, however I want. Whereas all of you have to squeeze around those other halves of yours. The only benefit to them is those arms you get to feel, wrapped around you, as you drift away. Their scent you smell, as you breathe in their love. The only arms I have are mine and this breathe never smells as good as love is. Sometimes, I’m not even sure what that smell is, but you wouldn’t want to wake up to that.

So Little Time

The day I die we all know this world would not be able to go on. Flags would be lowered, businesses would close, countries would mourn. We all know that this is true. But, until this day comes, there is so much that I have to do! Yet I just sit. I sit and do nothing. I just continue to add to my list of what I want to accomplish, but make no attempt at any of them.

All 50 states is a big one. I need to see every single one of them. I am the type that would even count my visit to one if I just stopped at a rest area while passing through. So long as my feet touched their land, than I was in that state. This is how I would cross it off my list. Hawaii and Alaska do have to make themselves difficult, but I will see you! If their cruises weren’t so damn expensive, I would be there tomorrow. Alaska also makes you get a passport, since our Canadians above are no longer our allies.

I suppose I should also get married. It seems to be the new “in” thing these days. I would at least like to be in a relationship, find the one out there who was put on this Earth for me. The one that I feel I have been searching for, waiting for, for far too long. When I look at how long a person seems to be with their love before that rock comes out, will I be 35 when this engagement comes along? So this would just give me another reason to return to Las Vegas. Or just use city hall and then escape to one of my non-seen 50 states.

When I was 18, I think I wanted four children. I had them all planned out. I didn’t care if I had all girls or all boys, two of each or three and one. Just four. Now, at 30, I wonder if that is even possible. I would need them in consistency, not spaced apart by more than two years, since I would be 38 when I had my last. Then I would be 50ish when my first graduated high school (all of this is just guesstimates, coming from Ms. Nonmathmatics.) This is all a big if. It does take two to make a baby, and if I do not have my other half, I have nothing to feed my eggs.

With so many things to do, I still do not know what. I want to just wake up in the morning and see what the sun will bring. Day by day, my life goes on. I think I have enough time left to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Zany To The Max

I love whiskey.  I don’t drink it for the wrong reasons.  I drink it for the fun ones.  There are the times that I feel I could use some on my down days, though.  The days when I turn to food, I wonder if maybe these whiskeys could be my magical potion, since chocolate is no angel to me.  Yet, Dr. Daniels seems to only increae my aggrivations with life, so I do not really have him that much.

Really making myself sound like an alcoholic when really my last consumption of liquor was probably two weeks ago.  If anything, I am cola addict.  I don’t want it, but I feel like I need it.  Some country guy brought it all up.  Really a Facebook post forced me to listen to his song.

I never listen to country music.  If it’s on, sure, but it is not one of my “genres”.  I couldn’t even name you an artist, Taylor McCintire maybe.  I can sit and enjoy my old time blue grass, listen to them banjo away, yet I cannot listen to Larry McGraw strum away on his wooden guitar as he’s singing along about drinking away his memories. 

I do love Emminem, though.  I love hearing how angry he is with his life and he’s being so nice, allowing me to rap along with him while I’m driving down Woodward.  I will forget to buy my mom her asprin, yet I can say his words with him that I believe I only learned from hearing three or four times. 

My mind works in mysterious ways. It always seems to.  Today, for example, I was singing along with a tape I had finally rewound.  The first song it begins to play is the opening theme song to the “Anamaniacs”.  I begin to sing along, word by word.  I have not seen or heard them in fifteen years, yet I still know what their beginning is.  I have to have my sister explain to me later how to find a Chinese resteraunt I have picked our dinner up at many time before, though.  I know it’s by a regular 7-11 of mine, yet my mind does not want to understand her.  I will remember some words to a childrens song from almost a whole other lie, yet the simplest straight directions my brain does not want to comprehend.

A period makes more than one type of a mess for me anyway.  I am not in this thinking, forgetful ways until my woman days of the month begin to approach.  I also wonder how less comprehensive other females are.  Do they not know what they did three hours ago?  Did they forget to purchase something they had been reminded numerous times, and even written on the paper in their hand?  Was an important appointment missed, even though their reminder did its job?  This all just increses my aggravation with my life.  I keep my post-its everywhere.  I carry paper and pen with me as well.  Yet my mind is not what it was before.  I feel it will always be this grumpy, old lady inside my head.  So, please, pass me my whiskey to help speed up what, I’m sure I won’t even remember.

My Heart Makes No Sense

I think I’ve had a crush on you since, maybe, tenth grade. So that would be fourteen years. Not fourteen straight years, though. My emotions have an on and off switch. I am not constantly sitting around with you on my mind, my heart and dreams set on you. Plus, since this feeling is merely a “crush’, I have never felt the need to pursue you.

Or should I?

This thought has been entering my mind more often lately. I just do not wish to travel down that road only to have to make a U-turn just when I thought I had made it the finish line I have been trying to cross for what feels like eighty years.

I have seen the type you generally have your arms around. I have also run across you on one of those (numerous) dating sites I am about to give up on; Plenty of Match Harmony or something, who knows. I got so excited seeing you were chosen as who they thought was a person I might be interested in! I never know how they figure these things out. How are these two people meant to be? Why do they feel that their hearts will blend so well together?

My excitement was building as I continued reading your profile. I felt like I was meeting a new you. Also seeing some old you. The old you that I had grown accustomed to after all these years, high school and on.

Then I came to the section I hate the most on these sites: desired body type. I know looks can matter. But not by a picture. First you cannot judge a book by its cover. To me. A picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, how does one know that this person they are really looking at is not the one that could one day perhaps be the one that is going to stab them while they sleep?

You can be my friend, but you cannot date me? You will hug me nonstop, but if I ever tried to kiss you, how would you react?

Now I know I’m sounding like a stalker, don’t get your hopes up. I just wonder if you ever knew. I think you did. I just don’t know if I still do. I know I love you. You’re a very good friend. I just have, in that stupid dating section of my mind, a portion where I wonder how I would react if you ever asked me out. Or, even if I ever pulled mine out and asked you. It has only taken me fourteen years.

And now moving onto you; the one who’s never here. How would you ever know that there was a person here that you could get to know? I also have no way to tell you that I sort of like you. It is just a crush, I need to move on. But, yours is a Facebook page I stay on, to read just to “get to know you”.

You should be thankful that I’m able to remember the day that I met you. When I can’t remember yesterday, yet I can remember a night that was more than three years ago, a night when the amounts of alcohol consumed was a lot, this must mean you where a person that my mind does not want to let go of. This was July 4th, a night to celebrate the independence of our country.

I was the first guest to arrive, even before the host. You were the only other person here. He was having you stay with him until the next time you knew you were to leave again. You are here and you are away. Traveling around this world. Something I would love to do, yet the only thing I seem to be qualified for, while looking into that, is a travel agent! I’m not really the sales person type.

I walked into his house and the first thing I saw was your eyes. I am always drawn into your bright, blue eyes. You are always happy as well, a mood I rarely am in. I have my reasons. But, your eyes seemed to pull me in. Suddenly, I don’t know why, started having my imagination right away of you and I. I was starting to picture a happy me. Which there can be. In order for there to be one, though, I need a partner. That’s where you can come in.

I am just a little afraid to share these feelings with you. I can hunt around on my dating sites for a random guy I have yet to speak with, yet I cannot walk up or email you just to say that I have this enormous crush on you. The world would then implode.

I know that this doesn’t make sense. It’s just me emptying out that one portion of my brain that is too filled with the loneliest love that it has been trying for for these past fifteen years. I need to make room for the next one that maybe I’ll come across tomorrow when I might decide to leave my empty little cave.

My Worst Fear…

…dying alone? Not being employed? No relationship? I don’t know why I hear people complain about them. Then, they tell me how lucky I am to be single. How great my single life is, going home with any man that I want. Then they turn around, wrap their arms around their man, and their hearts are taken home, while I still remain sitting alone with my nose to the ground as I hunt around for my happiness.

My brain hurts now. Not in the “headache” way, but in an “I’m so tired of having this tiny little clog inside me! Call a plumber!” sort of way. Well I’m sorry Mr. Brain, I don’t think things work like that. It’s just something you have to put up with, work around for the rest of my life. Besides, my heads been cut open before and you have been looked at. Remember? You were there!

I was told nothing could be done with what I feel is holding me back. Nothing can be done because my clot is in too “sensitive” and area. The whole brain is sensitive! It is not a basketball that can be bounced around in a cornfield. What I always find funny is that I don’t remember that any of this happened. I thought it was something that had only been discussed, but not decided. Well, now I can see what a job well done they certainly did! Thank you Dr. Brain-Surgeon.

I live with this though. I have grown into it. I feel like I’m learning new things every day. For instance; I’m learning today what was in style when Saved by the Bell was popular and my favorite show. Just by looking at some of their clothes makes me thankful that I was too young to wear them. Then I think of what high school girls on television shows in these times wear and I sometimes think about what I have also seen walking on 8 Mile. Thank you mother for teaching me how to be proper, but also for letting me be my own person.

I’m amazed at how much I can remember when I’m watching my Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski. I can forget to do one thing eight times a day, yet I remember to sing along when Jessy Spano is having her over dose.

So my worst fear these days? Not being able to remember the words to my favorite song.

 

I’m Giving Up On Us

First things first, I’m a realest. I never thought I could be a pessimist like you. You are such a downer, you would douse out the sun. I try not to play things in pretend. It makes this life I have a little simpler. This way, even on any Saturday morning I can usually jump out of bed and put on my best suit just to continue on like life is a normal day. Sometimes, though, I think I’ve got one more problem with you. Am I wrong for thinking out of this box from where I stay, only so I can help us fix what you’re saying is wrong with us? These problems that you say came with me, came when you met me in the summer, to the sound of my heartbeat. You know it, I know it. We’ve known it since that night. Yet, you lift my heart when the rest of me is down. You always have. I’m more than a one-night stand. We’ve been going on for far too long.

I know that I am always “shining like a Fifth Avenue diamond.” When those words came out of your mouth, though, trying to let me down easy, my eyes couldn’t look at more than the floor. So how did this not seem to push me towards the more complicated arrow on the road in my life? Making me, not only scared of love, but also scared of life? I have always been here for you, even all these darkest times we’ve been going through. I even feel like I’ve been here more. I don’t even care if I’m hurting your feelings. We are to the point where they’re not as bright as they were before. I know my mind is made up, and I’m not letting go of this decision. You know it’s not a bad thing to fall in love with me, don’t act like it is. I have never felt like these feelings inside are a bad thing.

I even remember, when you said once before, that we might even be done and that you had met someone, then you started to rub it in my face. That was when the shots in my heart started to be fired and the boiling in my brain began. So we knew this day would come, we’ve known it for so long. I know that this little part inside of me feels that it needs your love in my life. But then the other, larger, parts, are starting to take over. Perhaps it’s the portion that’s growing old, though I am capable of anything these days.

I still love you more than I did the week before, I always will. You always have helped me fill the doom and gloom whenever we’re in hotel rooms. You’ve always helped me when I’m having my bad day. Hell; if I were you, I’d blame this all on the beer. That’s what you seemed to do every single night when you would pick a fight with me before. I know what you have been growing to desire more in life.

Do you know what’s really worth fighting for? The first time that I saw your eyes. I realized I liked you a lot, you know I thought you were really hot. What I had growing inside me was a feeling that I had never known. You even told me, the night on our first date, that I reminded you of a beauty queen you knew when you were only 18. These days, though, I feel I’m starting to have troubles with myself. I feel that I have awoken to the sound of silence after the night we had just gone through. I’m not just scared of love, I’m scared of life I feel I’m starting to have alone. You’ve seen my pain, yet you think you can just wash it out with the rain. Is this all just a fantasy to you?

I’ve given up on you. Given up so very slowly. You are this brand new void in my life. Don’t think you can be so quick to walk away. There’s nothing in the water. I may be watching you go in the middle of the night, when you always say I’m doing you wrong. I know we’re not going anywhere so I am done crying my heart out over you.

Why Does Everything Revolve Around Me?

Somebody once told me the world is gonna role me, because I can’t get enough of you baby.  But, stop the track, lemme state facts.  One night I was up in the club, we had just broke up.  Why we were even there, I still don’t know.  We grew up in the suburbs, we’re the type who got guitars for Christmas.  But, lately, I just feel so small.  I didn’t want to breakup.  It was ugly, we had made it this far.  Four years, you think for sure.  But it was just the night I had been out to watch our band playing, “This song goes out to my good friends, : you had began.  Then you start to sing about how she used to be the happiest girl, “I knew.”  Is it okay if I speak with you today about this?  I had even talked to her about all this before.  She didn’t mean to deceive me, believe me.  And after all that her and I had discussed about you, I was in the car, I just can’t wait, to break your heart, like you broke mine.

I never thought I’d die alone.  I love you more than I did the week before.  You can’t just make me think that I’m having a bad day.  I know after all that you’ve made me put up with, you don’t deserve another night at the palace we had finally been able to put together.

I always remember how we met.  The first day of our senior year, I had found my locker and I found my classes.  Then at lunch, I found you.  And I never let go.  You always told your parents how, “She was the perfect woman, every single way.  She got me with her looks, she got me with her stare.”  And now, I never thought of us as such a big man, such a little chick.  You won’t be making me shine on the one that’s gone and left me blue.  You won’t leave me blue.  I don’t know dude, I think everybody’s all jealous.  Jealous that you let your hot girlfriend leave you, and treat you like the dirt that you are.

When I awoke the next day, though, I rolled over, thinking about the first time that I saw your eyes.  I saw nothing.  I woke up to the sound of silence.  The sun was shining through my windows and I wished that it was just raining.  I shouldn’t have been so quick to walk away from you.

It didn’t help that on my way to work, I know a place that seems just like yesterday I was passing and made me think of you.  I only left you because I run from a pessimist, but I guess I ran too late.  You make me think of all the bridges that I’ve burned along the way in life.  You were making it seem like I was walking in the wrong direction that I’ve had a little bit too much.  You know, my sugar baby, this is no longer a pop show.

I was a beauty queen of only eighteen when I was you.  It was love at first site, in my young mind.  But now, here I am waiting, I will have to leave soon.  I know you’re thinking that I’ll pull back the shield between us and I’ll kiss you.

There were days it seemed like you were as cold as the blood that runs through your bones.  I had my days where I know you would see my pain that I was washing out in the rain.  But you just let me continue to darken the door, even though I know that time has numbered my days.

This break-up still makes me wonder, “is this real life?”  Are you going to take me home tonight? Everybody does need it, everybody wants it.  Love.  I’m trying to give it up, give it up slowly.

I sometimes feel that I’ve dug up miles and miles of sand for yo.  I’m just trying to make myself think that we’re going somewhere.  That we’re going off somewhere the musics paying soft and low.

This morning at 6am, my clock was ringing, and I still can’t figure out why.  I had been hoping I had learned how to set it to you singing about how you like big butts and you never lie.  I loved that clock.  When you had bought it for me, it made me believe we’re do it all: life, love, everything. 

This night, though, I look and stare deep into your eyes, feeling the war inside me.  I know you’re always thinking when I have a certain look, “She might just be out of her mind.”  This time, it’s not just about the latest fashion.

Even though it’s three in the morning and I gotta be someplace, I have to do this now.  I’d like to tell you all about my dream of life, which you are no longer a part of.  Because, even if twenty four hours ago, I wanted to be sedated, I will never want to be sedated with you.

I Know I’m Magnetic So You Might Be My Cobalt

One night, I walked into his house.  We both know him.  I have for as long as I’ve been born; I still never remember how long you have.  Without him, though, I would not have met you.  I know the first time I ever have met you, you came to what I refer to as my usual Family Christmas.  I can understand that for this season, no one needs to be alone.  The next time I got to meet the real you, I believe was one of his usual run into the cold water functions, which I now always look forward to.  I do know this was at the time when his wild friend Chris was still here, a few years before his passing, and I still don’t know what drew me more towards you, though. His personality is usually more of what I am drawn towards.  You were in the middle of a conversation with someone, more than likely something ever more interesting that you’re always talking about.  You also have to remember that this was four or five years ago, so what precisely was being talked about I don’t think any of us know.  I felt drawn across the room towards you because of two things that I know I never forget when I think of you; the way your laughter seems to draw everyone in the room into whatever you have just said.  And your eyes.  You have the type that I find I can only look at for a brief second when I have worked up the nerve to speak with you, as my insides begin to fill with so much nervous emotions and thoughts.  As I try to gaze again, I can feel my tiny smile start to make her appearance in the hopes that she’ll find a way to impress you.

I don’t even know why I try this.  Alas, you are not my first attempt at getting my feelings across.  So, sorry, you’re not that special.  However, you are different.  All that I have felt in the past is just that; the past.  All I have felt in my heart for whoever those were for whenever that was is all different then what I know I am feeling for you now.  I don’t even remember any of what that was.  I just remember that the first time I looked into your deep brown eyes, the butterflies started on their journey towards my heart.  They have made this journey with their hopes that their mission would be completed, that my wish has come true.

I am the type that can express this emotion better in writing than through my voice.  I may seem like the type that has no problem speaking what is going on in her mind, but when it comes to this portion of my deep dark hole, I tread lightly.  Just not so sure what would happen if I were to approach you with this difficult stage in our lives, this stage that I know is meant to teach two people whose hearts, I believe, might be meant for each other.  We could be the two pieces to our puzzles of life that we’ve been searching for.  But, I could just have my hopes too high, as I seem to always set them when it comes to this road of my life.

I believe opposites can attract.  I also believe it only takes five minutes to converse with a person and realize you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them.  I might need more than that, though.  Two would never know how much magnetism they had towards each other unless  one actually had the balls to express these types of emotions toward who they think could be their cobalt.

It’s a Sailors Life For Me

I know that I talk about this all the time. It’s probably nothing even. I always, always think that this time you’re the chosen one. Then, after I get the disappointing let down that I have heard what feels like everyday over these past twenty years, I just try to shove it deep inside my stomach and continue on with my lonely life. Well, it’s not that lonely. I have people that I run to when I need those arms wrapped around me after the rejection that I should just be used to. Or if I need a persons ears to have my life complained about over the beer that will help drown away the sorrows.

I normally have no problem telling a person how I feel. I am just so used to getting the same response that this has almost become a habit. I prepare myself, take my deep breathe, let out my emotions about how I feel, then just walk away, knowing that they don’t feel the same way without even having to hear or read a response.

I can hit on a random guy at a bar. I have no problem talking coyly to a cashier at any store. But when I see you standing there, with blue eyes and your blonde hair (yes I’m a thinking of Blink-182) I feel that I have lost my powers. I feel that I am not able to have the look in my eyes that I will give to who I have this bubbling about; the little bubbles that start to boil in my stomach when I see a person that I think was written in the stars for me. (Of course, how many people were written up there for each of us? I feel like I’ve tried for all of them already!)

So, I try to avoid you. I don’t want my emotions for you to be know. That will make this world a better place. You can continue on with your busy day, never knowing that this one woman has these feelings, these “Who is this funny, handsome young man?” senses dwindling around in her head daily as she stalks through your Facebook (but not everyday). How would you know if you had let “the” one get away from you if you hadn’t taken that one chance you had to just sit and talk with her? We all have our busy days, some more than others, but it only takes a mere five minutes for your insides to know that the person that you have set your eyes upon is the one that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. I know that I have probably let a few of them pass me by, but you’ll never know unless you look into her eyes and let her set foot onto your land.