Welcome to my thinkings, on WordPress.com.

I Am Alone

I sometimes wish I could turn back my life just a few notches. Maybe ten, maybe twelve, but just enough years to see if where I am now will turn off differently. I wasn’t alone in my high school, but I wasn’t anyone’s number one. I felt like I had a few chosen ones, the ones that I could call and there’d be something to do on the weekend. I didn’t have a certain group that I belonged to. I belonged to all of them. I see how high school is thrown in our faces these days, the super geeks, the over extreme jocks, the “vamps” or whatever they call these Goth children now. But I feel I had a person from each of these groups that was programmed into my just starting out cellular phone.

Then, high school ends, and I have no one. We all floated our separate ways. One’s college is here, the others is over there, and another’s is way over there. I thought the whole point of college was to meet our new people. Apparently I must have this repellent and I didn’t seem to create this best friendness with anyone.

Returning home, I thought I still had my people. However, I returned to an empty hole. My Saturday nights are the loneliest, most boring nights this nation has. Marriages, children, love, happiness, it does not seem to want to leave all the lives around me

I miss my youth. I miss high school. I miss my friends. I wish I would have stayed away, stayed away at my first school that I chose. I feel that I would not be in this empty hole. I would have a much brighter mind. I would be on display every day. Or not be. I might even have my own little tadpoles already swimming around me. Which would mean I would be able to make myself feel better about myself. Nevertheless, I am a quitter. I ran away. I now walk down this road alone, not even knowing where I want to end up. I do not even know what to look for. I don’t know who to look for. Where is this Waldo of mine?

Maybe not finding him is why I have been depressed. Though, I sometimes wonder if my anti-depressants that I’m on are even working. These past few days I have only wanted to stay on my couch and try to sob all my troubles away. The loneliness I feel, the ache my heart beats every day, the anger the tiniest issue I can be set off by. Why has this returned? I thought the happiness portion of my brain had been fixed! Now, the sadombis seem to be taking over again. My addiction to Facebook seems to only feed him. It seems to only seed Sadombie and Unemploystein. These two just feast away at my insides, turning on all my bad ideas. Making me want more and more of what I know I should not have. There two…monsters make me feel that only my McDonald will increase my feelings, make the love fairy I sent out finally deliver that message correctly. Or maybe this fifth glass of cola is the fifth magical one that will increase my level of happiness inside to motivate me enough to continue that search for this employment that seems to be on the top shelf, just out of my reach. Maybe now, I am the chosen one.

I usually have no problem, trying to grasp hold of that ball of happiness. On the other hand, I apparently burst open the jar of sadness inside.

I really do want to be a nice person most of the time, but everyone around me just seems stupid. I’m not talking about everyone everyone, just the ones on this dating road that I’m lost on. The road that I am obsessed with. I’m just glad that I have finally accepted the fact that finding a suitable man in this town shares the same odds with finding a unicorn. I do sometimes wonder if I’m only still single because nobody likes me, or because I like nobody? I mean, come on Mr. Love Fairy, there are 8 planets in our solar system, our Earth has 204 countries with 7 billion people and in our little United States there is 316 million yet I am still single!

I see these Facebook conversations, though, where the dating people are all posting about how much they love when their boyfriend or girlfriend is posting how much he or she loves them. Well, do you want to know what I love so much in my life? I love it when my pizza guy brings me my pizza fifteen whole minutes early. That cute guy gets a big tip. Maybe even my number, if he’s lucky. I am not afraid to admit there are A LOT of those lucky guys out there who have my number in their hand. They always seem to lose it or leave it at work. Must be why I don’t get a call from them.

Or maybe it’s because they don’t like big butts, they just shouldn’t lie. I am not going to ever stop shaking this big booty whenever I get the chance. I am also glad at times that I have my big thighs. I recall this one time, I almost dropped my phone into the toilet but thankfully, I was able to catch it. I do, at times, wonder why when those mosquitos are on their hunt to take over the world they have found their meal for the night, why can’t they suck the fat out of me instead of blood, though. I’m on blood thinners. These creepy bugs could kill me one day!

Nevertheless, 99% of socks are single and you never hear them crying. So why am I always sitting around stalking my Facebook again to see how peoples weekends were just to see that theirs were great yet I haven’t seen anyone for two days. Anyone except my Netflix and my couch. Unless you count me seeing the cashier at one of my four standard 7-11’s. Just remember this people; there is only one me.

But come on; Single? Taken? Who cares, I’m awesome! I do like to tell my ex this, as well: good luck in your future, in finding someone as hot as me who knows how to put up with all of your crap! We both knew that no age is ever good to get married at. You just have to be a fool to get married. But I do, I really, really do. So Romeo, my Romeo, where the hell art thou?

I do sometimes want to tell some single girls to stop whining about how they should give up and just get a cat. If no man wants them then they should not force a poor, innocent cat to live with them. I feel bad about this, since I have enforced my sadness and “Why can’t I find him!?” thoughts on my Luda-“Fluffykins”-Cris and C-Lo-“Fatty”-Meow. They, too, are men that just don’t understand. They only want to eat, sleep and play with themselves all day. Typical.

With this dreaded New Year’s approaching I begin to wonder why all of a sudden some single ladies are always, “Oh no! It’s December! I need a boyfriend to keep me warm.” No you don’t, just buy a damn coat like the rest of us single people. They are on sale. We also must brace ourselves as I can predict the “I’m so alone!” on New Year’s posts are coming.   One of those from me after a few drinks, more than likely.

What it all comes down to this; Am I single? Yes. Which does give me the chance to stalk the five guys, who I will one day call my man, online.

Theoretically Speaking

Dear Whoever,

Seriously; why do you have to be such a butt face lately? I know you’re out there. Where, I would like to know. Do I need to stand outside your window with a stereo over my head playing your favorite song to get my point across? Because I will! After a few drinks, I just might. I am at the mid-point of my life where I feel I should have already accomplished one of these things. I cannot have grandchildren when I’m 50 because I do not have any children at my ripe old age of 30 since I was not even close to being married at my middle youth of 25. That seemed to be the cool thing that everyone out there was doing back in those days.

I can’t seem to help it right now, but ever since I’ve seen you, I feel like I need to see you again. You made me fall in love with you all over. You never really left my mind, or my heart. I am trying to forget you. Asshole.

Okay, here’s the deal; I know you’re happy. I do not want to ruin anything. I’m trying not to get too jealous. Staying with your happiness, though, means maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore. Are people even supposed to be friends with their exes?  I was taught that I was always supposed to give my used toys to the less fortunate. I may still care about you, but I don’t want my mind to change itself again. I have no control over that portion of the brain, it seems.

I am about to give up what I feel like is a hunt almost for you. But at least when my feelings changed on all of those times, I had the balls to tell you!  I didn’t just stop communication. Even the nicest people have their limits. You’re seeming like knight in shining armor is turning out to be a loser in aluminum foil. I can’t help that ever since I last saw you, I cannot stop thinking how stupid I may have been. I regret the decisions I have made. But I’ve obviously felt that there was a reason to go see you. Now you just seem to feel ignoring is the way that a person’s feelings might change.

You really are making me feel like I am just wasting my time. Maybe we’re just growing apart again and I may not need you anymore. You are not the type that ignores. You have no problem putting your hands on me when you see me. I have no problem putting mine on you. That temptation is one that I always give into. But, your fingers don’t seem to work when your phone is ringing or when messages are being sent to you. This is why you cannot get upset if I just stumble over to your place to talk after I have had a few too many for the night. I come over just to get more emotions off my chest. JUST to talk. Which is all that I wanted to do, to get what is needed out of the way. I feel like you’re breaking a stupid girl’s heart. So do not be surprised if you get punched in the faced and then she just gets some ice cream after, because this would calm her heart. You always want to be correct, so fine, you are right. I love you! I have just picked the wrong time, of course, but I love you.

I believe that for a person who works from the computers, one would think that they would check their email more frequently. Unless you do and I am now just wasting my time bugging the crap out of you. As I have said in the previous fifteen emails, I cannot help it! It could be worse, though; I could be calling you eighteen times every three hours. I am trying hard not to do that. I even tried deleting you from my phone. But I still want to talk to you. I kicked you off of my Facebook, but I still want to see you. I am being the typical teenage girl. I cannot help it! I have obviously been in love with you three times. I have gone running back to you three times. And this fourth time, I do not want to leave you.

4 Signs He is Your Whatever

  1. You share important core beliefs (we generally think on both sides of the border.  Red/Blue/White/Church/State/Yin/Yang)
  2. You have fun together (If I can have more than a five minute phone conversation with you, you obviously do not bore the crap out of me)
  3. He’s being honest (You have no problem telling me you don’t like what I’m wearing, but at least in a nice way)
  4. He fight’s fair, most of the time. (But I always win.  Do not deny.)

I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise.

I do not know what my problem has been. I do know that I love you. I am not going anywhere. I feel like you’re my lobster but I’m losing you. I never give up, I do not surrender. I will even send you a damn pizza if that’s what will win you over because I love you! I love you. I do. I have never stopped.

Love,

Stephanie

PS

I’m burning that stupid candle you made for me.

Dear Whoever,

I know you’re out there. Where, I would like to know. A lot of people keep telling me that my “right person” will come along. Sometimes, though, I think he got hit by a bus or something. I am at the mid-point of my life that I feel I should have already accomplished so much. I cannot have any grandchildren by the time I’m 50 because I do not have any children at my ripe old age of 30 since I was not even close to being married at my middle youth of 25. That seemed to be the “cool” thing that everyone was doing back then, anyway. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I do not care what you think of me. Unless you think I’m awesome. Let’s not deny this.

What is this “love” that all of you seem to be shoving in my face these past few months? This love and happiness, where love is a passionate affection for another, or even a sexual passion? It’s starting to make me feel like I have a repellent on me that keeps men away. Well this all just seems to lower my joy, my pleasure over a particular object. These just remind that my life flat out sucks. Okay, this “portion” of my life. I know all the rest is just super fan-fabulous, but these two levels of bliss and affection I never seem able to accomplish.

Especially with you still sniffing around. I thought I had finally managed to rid my heart of you but, of course, you found some way to weasel your way back into my mind. It makes me want to tell you that I saw something that reminded me of you, but then I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I do not want this. Considering you have another person who you are supposed to be focusing all of your attention and emotions on. The moment our eyes met, however, I felt my heart skip that stupid beat and I felt the lights around us dimming as we became the only two in our bar. I do not want this. I thought I had a sign over my head that says “Do Not Enter”. You are happy. I am…in between. The love portion of my mind is starting to piece together what two people, who were put on this world for each other, are supposed to be doing. This war on the other side of the world is nothing in comparison to what I feel is pulsating inside my inpatient heart and your indecisive mind.

But what? You have her. I do not want you to stop that. Plus, given how many times I have taken your heart and treated it like it was nothing, perhaps another me and you is not option. How are we to know, though? A person is not to know unless they try. This makes me think that God must love stupid people because he made so many of them and you had to be one that couldn’t stay away from me.

I am willing to give our hearts another effort but my phone has been empty. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone, smile and then walk into the wall. Your mind seems too made up. We both know that it is not that difficult to call or email a person. I had the guts to express my feelings, so I guess, maybe, the world really does knows who the man in this relationship was. I may know how to show you the world, but maybe I do need to show you the door.

Sincerely,

The Bitch Making Her Way around the Beautiful, Happy World.

Love In Your Face

What is this “love” that all of you seem to be shoving in my face these past few months? This love and happiness, where love is a passionate affection for another, or even a sexual passion? Well this all just seems to lower my joy, my pleasure over a particular object. These just remind that my life flat out sucks. Okay, this “portion” of my life. I know all the rest is just super fan-fabulous, but these two levels of bliss and affection I never seem to accomplish.

Especially with you still sniffing around. I thought I had finally managed to rid my heart of you but, of course, you found some way to weasel your way back into my mind. I do not want this. Considering you have another person who you are supposed to be focusing all of your attention and emotions on. The moment our eyes met, however, I felt my heart skip that stupid beat and I felt the lights around us dimming as we became the only two in our bar. I did not want this. You were happy. I was…in between. The love portion of my mind was starting to piece together what two people, who were put on this world for each other, are supposed to be doing.

But what? You have her. I do not want you to stop that. Plus, given how many times I have taken your heart and treated it like it was nothing, perhaps another me and you is not another option. How are we to know, though? A person is not to know unless they try.

I am willing to give our hearts another effort but my phone has been empty. Your mind seems too made up. We both know that it is not that difficult to call or email a person. I had the guts to express my feelings, so I guess, maybe, the world really does knows who the man in this relationship was.

Let’s Just Start Over

Everyone knows that I am always right about one thing; you and I do not ever seem to work out.  You tend to bring out the unpleasant in me.  Ah, but to each his own they say.  Sometimes I do like a freak that is grown.  I know you like a bad bitch from a decent home, which I know I was raised in and I know I tend to be.  I know these days I’m feeling single, but there are times when you make my days look brighter.  Because of you, I don’t feel alone.  There really isn’t anyone in this world but you and I, there really isn’t.  So I ask you; let there be you, let there be me, and let there be love. I know it’s there.  You know it’s there.  Yet, why am I still on the edge?  I still want to flip this coin in my hand.  This coin helps me make all of my important decisions in life.  Maybe I should send him to the White House.  Anyway; by flipping President Lincoln, he will be helping me choose to continue hunting with my nose to the ground, this smile never on.

Or, will he be helping my heart continue beating every time I think of you?  I love you, I don’t.  I need to see you, I do not.  You are my one aggravation in life that I feel sometimes I have to talk to everyday.  But I don’t want to break your heart again.  Well, you broke mine, too.  It hurts me to have to hurt you.  You never did leave my mind, and a lot of things tend to.

I love you.  My mind is just a little more confused than my heart.  Two different pieces of my body just do not seem to want to agree with each other.  But, when my eyes set themselves upon you, my heart begins to skip a few beats.  It starts to send some signs of love up to my mind, telling it that you may be the one who was put here for me.  The one that I should not push away for the fourth, the fifth or twelfth time.  Then the other pieces of my brain start to over analyze this whole “love.” Is this for real? Are we really meant to be?

Is it wrong that I keep thinking we could be something for real?  I really do need to give up, but it’s you.  I should not let you come back, but it’s you.  I sometimes feel too young and too dumb to realize I should have given you all of my hours when I had the chance.  But there you go again, making me love you, now I’m feeling stupid coming back to you.  Every inch of you is not always perfect from the bottom to the top.  But neither am I.  I’m so sick of all the fights, I hate them.  So can we just start this again, for real, with a clean slate?

Pressing On

Nothing inside me seems to find any reason to not be happy for you. I am. But then I’m not. There are two different sides of happiness in me; there is the legitimate one where I get so excited to hear everything about this road in your life that talking about every day. I give you my huge hug, filled with all the love that I have inside me. I make my little sarcastic comments on all of your pictures that I see.

Then there is the other happiness that does not want to come out. The one, that deep down inside, just has me put on my fake smile and stare at the wall when parents tell the stories about what their child has accomplished, what number grandchild this now is, what new promotion is now in effect, or what golden road of opportunity has opened up for their overzealous super child . My bones and muscles begin to ache with the side of this happiness that overwhelms me.

It just makes me add to my list of what I need to accomplish in life. Happiness is one of them. The average age that a man and woman get married is 29 and 27. By age 25 is when a woman would have a child, on average. I am 30, never have I been in a relationship and I am unemployed living with my parents. So I suppose I am allowed to have my unhappy days, on occasion. I do have my sunshine around me. I tend to look on the downsides of them, though.

I am always told to press on, look on the brighter side I hear is in this life of ours. I try. If I am able to get out of my bed, put my pants on one day after the other, then this means that I want to continue to move on, even if I look on the darker side of the sun. The moon, I will call it. I keep my eyes on the moony side of life. If Mr. Armstrong can walk on the moon, and no person has set foot on this sun of ours, than it appears the moon is that one rock in my life that I should be looking at. The good, the bad, the mad, the sad, my happiness is buried somewhere inside me. She does come out from time to time. But just because she’s not always on my face, I’m still always pressing on.

I press on only when I see what I have added to my list. If my “List of Life” does not grow, then I know there is no reason to redevelop. Yet, since I do continue to add what I need to do, then I need to get off my ass and go. As cute as they are, with all of their grey fur and big, fuzzy white ears, I am not a koala. 22 hours is far too much sleep for me.

Get Out Of My Head. Please.

When a man loves a woman is a whole lot different than when a woman loves a man.  To me it is anyway.  What does this whole “love” mean anyway? When you love someone, does that mean you have to tell them?  How do you know that it is really love?  What if it’s just that “like” disease that keeps going around?  How are we supposed to know the difference?!  I do know that the person you’re thinking of, the one that won’t leave your head.  The one whose face you think about every morning. What they said the other day still makes you smile.  This could be the one that you stalk every day, which means that you’re way too overly in love with them and that it’s time to abandon ship.

So maybe I just like them.  Maybe I only think of them sometimes.  They still bring that stupid smile to my face whenever I see them.  They also bring a quake to my heart when I think of them no knowing.  I think of what might happen if they did know, though.  How I, the type that has no problem dancing, sober on street corners, would feel.

I have sent out my winks, my hellos, my “what’s up’s'”, on my dating sites that I have about given up on.  I have left my phone number for the guys that I have talked to at bars or been served to at Taco Bells.  Yet, I cannot seem to express these emotions for someone whom I have known for what feels like forever.  I feel I was so young with the one.  For another, I feel I was, I do not know.  His eyes and his smile always pull me in.

I can leave my number on the table for my waiter, yet I can’t leave a post-it on their doors. Perhaps a postcard is the answer!  I can be the best with my words in writing, since I would re-write my emotions eight times.  Or, maybe just be very blunt: I LIKE YOU, in big black ink.  I would send it with no return address and make sure to post mark it from Novi.  Check and make.  My puzzle is solved, my life can now go on!  Maybe I should tell one.  Or let my Faiths decide.  I just wish they would hurry.

There Is More To Talk About!

There are things to look for in a relationship other than sex. I do know that is one of the attractions that two people feel towards each other, though. I also know it might be the only way they feel for each other. They may not what to cross that line of love or continue to learn anything more about each other. Some are just not attracted to another in certain ways.

 The road to love, however, works other ways. Sex usually does not happen on the first date. Sometimes. I know it depends person to person. It is not the only thing two adults speak about constantly. Well, I do know it is, usually within the first month, the two begin dating and getting to know each other, once they have become consensual with each other, the hands come out and the clothes are off. But a normal conversation is had on a normal, sunny day.

 When a text is sent or a chat is began, there is more to ask then the inappropriate. There is more to learn of a person’s day than what they were wearing “under their pants”. Underwear. Plane, white, old haggy undies that I found in my grandmothers closet is what I chose to wear today! And then some oil spilled in the Atlantic and more bombs went off in Iraq. Moving on.

 I tried. I steered the conversation to the smallest, simplest issues, but he would just reel them back in. Second chances I like to give. Third place is never a loser. Yet when you seem to only want one item from me, this blossom does not give her cherries for free. Though that does make me sound more like a prostitute.

 I want a man who wants a woman he wants for more than one thing. I want one that can handle me, as you all know how I am in my not so normal life. Humor, aggravation, forgetful, love, adventure, hugs, repeat, learning, repeat. These are a few that I hope I will find in him on this road I still feel that I am lost on.

What Color Is That Sky?

Sometimes I wonder why we choose the colors that we love so much. I love purple, yet most of my apparel seems to be in green. I do love that color as well, but if I had to choose between them, if it was a life or death, green or purple, I would have to go down the violet road of life. I even look around my room and see many items in this glorious color; my fluffy, plum pillow. Some bright, lavender lights around my window. And even a piece of mauve glass I had recently pieced together of a dog and a cat. The cat, though, is also in green. So I guess green is also my favorite. Sorry, Steven Tyler, pink may be yours, but I am not a huge fan of that. This now makes me wonder what draws us all to our colors.

We all know that a thought often makes us hotter than fire. Well, Mr. Longfellow; what makes my thoughts cool down? The colors in the sky? Or, do they even make me think in a better way? I am one who never seems to have a good thought on their plate. I always seem to have the bad seed of the apple. I don’t know why. I tell myself to look on the upside, but then I continue to gaze at the negatives.

I believe this is all only up there because I’m on my first conference call that I have ever been on, and the other lady that is really annoying. I feel like she is trying to be the more dominant speaker. Plus, I am not really seeing a point to this call yet. It almost sounds like all this advice is something that I have already been doing. I already do my resume, like this career “counselor” is suggesting. I already continue my job searches daily. I just always seem to be the heads landing face down when employers toss their coins to help make their decision.

The employer can choose something so simple. I have my difficult days even choosing which piece of underwear I should wear for the day. With what little quality I have, are they willing to take a risk on me? Perhaps, maybe, if I’m wearing their favorite color.

Tag Cloud

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 127 other followers