Happiness In No One

July fourth, 2012. My good friend was having his annual barbeque. His new home was near a lake that I had no idea what the name was. Missouri may be the land of 10,000 lakes, But Michigan is the Great Lake State, and I do not know the name of half of them. One would think that I would, having lived in this beautiful state for twenty-nine year, my whole life.

I wasn’t sure how comfortable I would be at his party. I think I had only met one or two of his friends before, so there was no way I would remember their names. It was just a regular barbeque. Sure, there would be drinking and fun.

As I walked into his house, all that was going on in his backyard sounded very interesting. He knows how to have a good time. I’ve been lucky enough to hear some of his good college stories. To me, it sounds like a school trapped under snows, being the school furthest in the UP. I didn’t even think there could be anything farther than Northern Michigan University, which I thought was our only school up there.

The good part of his school is his new friends. And the better looking of it. I can never judge him by his looks, having known him our whole lives. Judging him would be like judging my brother, if I had one. I could, however, look at his friends. I could stare at them, judge their physic, and sense their smells. If I wanted one of them, I could want on. They would be mine. I would make him mine, one of them, all of them.

Him and some guys were playing horse shoes and needed two more people. I volunteered to be a partner. I had no idea the rules to the game; I had no aim at all. I did know that you had to be gentle, so I tried to toss as lightly as I could. My first shoe didn’t make it half way across the yard.
As the game continued, I began to learn there was actually a point to tossing this metal back and forth. There was even a score. I thought people just enjoyed hurling horse shoes around tiny poles for no reason. Just back and forth, back and forth, perhaps even aiming at each other. His friend Mark was his partner, so he stood on the same side as me.

Suddenly, conversation began between Mark and me. He could see that I totally sucked at this game, so he started to give me some suggestions, thinking that I actually wanted to improve my “talent”. I told him I didn’t really give a crap about this game; I was just in it for the drinks. He thought that was funny. After that, we were in love.

Yeah, right. But, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. I am the type of girl who is unable to have a conversation with a guy that I am feeling attraction towards unless I have my friends around me. I just need them in my general vicinity, to make me feel like I am not alone on this Earth. I need another person near me, so when I get my usual rejection, I don’t have very far to back away to. I was having no problem actually spitting out a full sentence to Mark, though. I know the few drinks I had had were also partially helpful. This probably explained why I don’t remember anything else that happened that night. Except that I got his number.
The next day, though, he had to return to school, the farthest one in our state. Of course to me, only moose and grizzly bears lived way up there. No folk lived past Mackinac. Apparently there is more population in the UP. Man does live up there with moose.

This began to make me more thankful for text messaging. I was beginning to learn so much more about his, I was telling him so much more about me. The inner me was making her way out. But I felt that I needed to see him, I didn’t care how far his school was. Christmas was such a long way away. He wasn’t even planning on being home to give thanks to his family. Granted, it didn’t make sense for him to come home every weekend, like some people, since he was ten hours away. It would have been a shorter flight, if I ever chose to go up his way. I had researched this.

We both seemed to feel that we needed to see each other, though. But how? The half-way point I could think of: Mackinac. I hadn’t seen our beautiful bridge since high school. It was a three hour trip, both ways. Three hours that I was willing to travel to see him. And that he was willing to travel to see me.
The entire drive, I just imagined seeing him. I know I wanted to just wrap my arms around him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to share a room with him. But we weren’t even on the same side of the bridge. Stupid Mackinac Bridge has to stand in my way of who I thought was the potential love of my life.
That weekend went by too fast. I remember nothing of what we did, just that I could not look into his eyes. When I tried, I would feel a redness begin on my cheeks; my heart would begin to race at paces I had never felt before. I wanted to spend more days with him.

We continued to talk almost every day, mostly through texting. I can’t really converse on the phone with most people. I felt like I was with him throughout the day, though. We also emailed all of our thoughts to each other. I told him my feelings for him were growing; he said he was feeling it as well.
Our next chance to see each other came when, sadly his grandmother passed. I know I shouldn’t have looked at this as a good thing, but I couldn’t wait to see him. It was even better because we were having to meet in Chicago. When he told me thing, I thought to myself, “Why Chicago? Why that far? That’s a whole other state!” but it is actually another measly three hours.

I had forgotten the wonders of Chicago. I had been there once before, also in high school. It was still just as dirty and amazing as I had left it. I was not there for their pizza, though it was delicious, I was there only for Mark. I don’t think I stopped smiling once the whole time we were there together. I wanted to spend the whole weekend with him, but sadly we couldn’t. He was down for his family. The hours that I spent with him were one of my favorite days that I will always have.

As I drove away, I could feel the tears start to build up in my eyes. Just from my thoughts when I see would see him again. He wouldn’t be home until Christmas, three months from now. I didn’t know if I could wait until that long. I am not a patient person.

We continued to talk daily. I needed someone to help me through my boring days. Even though I felt we were growing close, I was still not looking around at whoever crossed my path. This meant I just stayed up looking at Match.com while watching Conan.

At least I thought we were growing closer. Suddenly, I began to feel ignore. One day, it seemed like we spoke daily, the next nothing. I tried to convince myself that he was just studying hard for his upcoming finals. To me, no other females attended his school. Judging by the type of school my friend described it as, I figured the guy to girl ratio was more likely in the 50:1 Mark, if they were even that lucky.
I was getting tired of initiating the conversations, though. I was sending the texts and waiting for the replies, at times not even getting any. I emailed one day, just straight out asking him was his problem was. I tend to be able to get my thoughts and words out better in writing.

A few days later I learned why; apparently there were other females at his school. He just didn’t know how to tell me that he and she had been seeing each other. Although, they had the ability to see each other daily, where as I could only see him through Facebook. They were in a relationship now, though. He didn’t know how to tell me, since his feelings for me had being growing the same.

This was the worst my chest has ever felt. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from my screen for what felt like forever. I could feel my waters building. I wish what he has just written me I had received in the actual mail because I wanted to tear it into a million pieced. I just threw my magazine across the room.
So this is what love felt like? Weird. If love pained, and I had never been in an actual relationship with anyone, I began to feel there was happiness in no one. Well, there was happiness in one. But it was not mine.

Aggravation

Love.  I can’t get you out of my head. Loneliness.  I can’t you out of my mind.  Agitation.  This feeling won’t leaving my mind either.  Love and alone seem to be the two that make me feel all this aggravation.  How can I not get these three feelings of emotion out of me when I have so many ways around me to help?  There are so many options I can choose to help me with my loneliness, yet I still choose to sit here on my floor as my sorrows make their way around my room.

This love that has yet to find it’s way to my heart that is beating inside me, I wait for you by my door and in my bed when the sun rises and when it sets.  I hope that the next day will be different then the empty one I just had to endure.  I know that I have some around me that love me, those are the ones that I try to return it to much as I can.  The love that I search for, though, is what I know can help me with my sorrows.

The aggravation I feel everyday, having yet to find my love is what sits inside my head at night.  This is what builds up the feeling of loneliness all around me. I take out my angers on the ones that do try to help me rid my life of these empty feelings, with no thank you.  This then makes me continue to wonder if these are the reasons I remain alone, without love.

Judging The Book

I would hope now that I would be learning something new that has to do with my current area of study. But I did not register for anything, again, this semester. I believe it is not being offered and/or I cannot afford it.  Probably both. So, as of last week, my schedule was completely jammed packed with; nothing.  I know there are a million things in this exciting world I can fill easily my easily over bored mind with, but when my new cable system give me the option to watch the complete series of Breaking Bad, screw you open road!

Plus, if I remember correctly, it was a dreary grey week every day last week.  At least to me it was.

My Netflix boost up my mood though by bringing back all that I forgotten about this show.  The highs, the highers, the in betweens.  It also made me fall in love with Jesses all over again.  It made me begin my search on another dating site I’m giving a shot at.  The last two have, obviously, not worked, so third time I figure is the charm.  I am not trying to look at the positive side of it.  If only my mother had taught me how to do this.

It makes me wonder if I am allowed to judge the book by his cover, in a sense, on this site.  That is basically what you’re doing; looking at his picture, if you like it, moving onto step two, reading whatever he decided to describe about himself in his profile.  I just wonder if the men even bother to add step one and two together.  Do they not even care what this beautiful, hot sexy woman has just said about herself?  As long as she is a size two, that’s all he needs.

I know that I need both of these.  If your profile makes you sound like the guy that I need, I give you a second look over.  With the guys, though, I worry that you all just move on with even wondering what opportunity you just pass.  You, sir, just gave up on one AWESOME time.  You passed up the woman who would have asked you out.  The one who would have told the bartender to send you a drink.  Your loss, though.

I think I am only like that now because I’m getting tired of waiting for him to come find me.  I am not that difficult Waldo to find, Romeo! I’ve been in plain view for probably eighteen years.  Yet, here you make me sit and wait for this stupid love potion.  Well screw you!  I am off to hunt for my own Prince Charming and I don’t care what I have to do.  I will stop at nothing.  Beware World.  

My One Addiction

The most obvious item I cannot live without would be oxygen.  I suppose you’re being imaginative, though.  Well I think, then, my most obvious thing these days would appear to be cola.  It’s the first drink I have in the morning, the last one right before bed.  I feel the need to make a daily dash to 7-11 just so that I can have my delicious fountain drink.  Then once that is empty, I just refill the cup with my own. 

I try to also have my waters in between each one, knowing that my body must have its certain levels of H2O, but I know I will never be there.  I never used to be this bad.  Maybe two a day, at the most.  But now I feel as if I must finish almost a liter or more. 

My name is Stephanie and I am a diet cola addict. 

This must be the new drug that is sweeping the 21st century.  It has to be!  People get addicted to it and cannot just stop drinking its deliciousness.  It is the one that is turned to when you’re feeling so low.  It’s the drink that when put with some others can cheer you up and get the party started.  With the cola’s, we would not have the delicious, irresistible “mixed” drinks,  Soda is what makes the woman in those 1950′s ads looks just as happy as you know that you are when you are drinking your Coca-Cola. 

But I need to slowly put an end to my intake of this drink that I love.  I must.  Although I use it as an excuse to get out of my house at least once a day.  The seasons have changed, so I have my new excuses to get off my ass. 

So cola; I must bid you ado.  It will be a slow, hard goodbye.  But I am a tough broad.  I can take you.

A Bird On The Couch

The birds hopping outside look like they’re having more fun than I am.  Although I really am just sitting inside my Starbucks, trying not to continuously glance at the elder man a few tables away.  I only like watching him because when certain types of music start to play, he and I seem to both give our own private jigs to them.

It is a good thing I have my warm drink since I chose the seat right by the door.  I only did, though, because I wanted to give my tablet a try today and it decided to not have any battery this morning and there’s a plug near me if I need it.  I still wonder why I kept this, since I never use it.  You are rarely used, you are hardly on, you are always plugged in, so why would you be empty?  I want you to show me that you were not a waste of my money, there was a point of my purchase.  Even though I have thousands of dollars laying of others around my house worth of things that I know I do not need or use.  So I apologize to you, tablet, if I ever just make you sit and collect your dust.

I need those creative bugs flittering inside my head to let lose upon these pages.  They come out too fast upon a pen and paper, so that is the point of a key board.  My fingers can keep up, even though I need to stop correcting my mistakes as soon as I notice them.  YOU CAn COM BACK TO USF!

Is it wrong to be a little thankful that a date I was supposed to have today cancelled on me?  I was having doubts about meeting him.  I usually don’t have a problem going to meet my potential Romeos, but this one was not sending me his vibes.  The internet can send them to me.  I have this gift.  I have no problem with the speed dating, the singles mingles or going for my hunt at the bar, but he was just sending me the way more desperate than I am potential.  So, now, I can just do my usual “pretend I never got your email” ditch thing.  I know; I’m so polite.  Whatever.

Now I can continue to sit on my couch to enjoy my new addiction; British television.  Those English I never knew have their humor.  I always thought of them as the proper type, never the ones to come with these senses of wit.  But, no.  They have it in them.  I guess they are the same as us on the other side of the world.  Sarcastic and rude.  Makes me like them a little more.  I’ll still always want Harry more than William, though.

 

Good Times and Bad Times

Growing up, we all regret some things that we have done.  We wish they could be forgotten, that they had never happened.  I know this one thing that I remember I am so happy that I still can.  It was a good time in my life, before when I feel my down fall had begun.  I was more happy in my younger days.  I do have my sunshine some of these days, but I had very few clouds back in those days.

I feel that in high school, we were suppose to be learning what the real important factors in life were.  However, though, I still to this day never find the need to use that Pythagorean theorem or even have any use for the aluminum and whatever bromine together might be in.  But I know their basics.  

There were the good times, there were the bad times.  The friends that I made in those times had given me some of the best moments that I am so thankful for.  If I still remember you to this day, feel that I love you. All that has happened to me in these past few years, all that has caused such forgetful measures in my life that enables me to remember one thing from twelve years ago, but makes me unable to recall another, this means that you were an important part of my life.

So picture this: senior year. I wake up every morning, dreading what I am suppose to have smashed into my face at 9 am every morning; math.  Blah.  I still to this day will never know why I had waited until my last year of high school to try and learn all what I still feel is useless to me in these days.  I know, back when college was my next step and what I was still looking to be when I “grew up”, I thought I would need more knowledge of math and science.  So graduating with only a ninth grade level was something I could not have.  So I learned on.  I luckily had who I still feel was one of my most favorite teachers to this day. I know my others were in the “higher level” of math; calculus, whatever that is, also had him.  He was trying to cross them over to the other side, I believe.

He was crossing me over, though.  Crossing me over to the “math is not such a bad thing” side.  He was the type that helped the students when he knew they were having they’re problems. He was the type that made this subject fun, as boring as it is.

One other strong, important responsibility as adults we were learning was how to toilet paper houses.  I believe when our parents were growing up, this was not a good thing. Big rolls were thrown up and over every branch, fence post, all around the cars in the driveway of all the people at school that you hated so much.  For some reason, though, over the years, people began to do it to their friends.  They would do this as a way to show love.  This is how I feel, anyway.  I felt that by doing this, we were out having a good time and we wouldn’t make this mess to anyone’s house that we knew would get into trouble.

So this was when our favorite teacher came into the picture.  We had to show him in some way that he was teaching us the best out of all of the other staff.  A basket of fruit would in no way do the job.  Only this huge mess of appreciation would be able to do it.  

So thankful he had a good sense of humor. I don’t recall which evening precisely this all took place, though I do know there were three cars of us, tons of rolls and a video camera that just to film the memories that we were all making.  We drove out on a school night, of all nights, knowing that he would be awake, but still took the risk of being caught and threw those rolls after rolls all around his yard.  We stuck messages in his grass with popsicle sticks, I believe, just to show how much we appreciated him.  It was thankfully a clear night. 

He also returned the joke on us; his wife “fell off a ladder” cleaning their mess, and she “called ” the school in a panic while we showed him our video.  While he raced out of the room in a hurry, we just stared at each other, not sure what we were to do.  He returned casually a moment later just to tell us he was kidding.  I know to this day he is as excellent a principal as he was a teacher.

I Love My T-Shirt

I know I looked good today.  I didn’t have anyone to dress to impress for, so I just kept on the t-shirt I slept in.  My only plans for the day were to go to my gym anyway.  I figured I’d show off my mood to anyone that was working out around me with my new most favorite t-shirt anyway; my grumpy cat.  I am him today.  There is something grumbling in me that I know wants to get out but can’t seem to find it’s way.  She’s been stuck in there for days.  So my grumpy cat t-shirt will help me find my way.  To where, I’ll never know.

Maybe he, too, is looking for his road to happiness.  Sometimes, I don’t even want to get to that road.  Sometimes, I get so filled with the boredom of even hunting for my happiness, that I just continue to sit here on my couch whilst I hunt around on what I feel is my new addiction; Pinterest.  There are a few on there that a snicker has no problem making its way out.  But, then grumpy cat makes his way back out onto my face and I think of all that I’m hating right now.  This could all be different tomorrow, so whose to know if these feelings are even legit.

I want my frown to be upside down.  I try to find ways to turn it.  My fatty cat often finds his way to me and helps, snuggling his loud face of love all over me.  Then he tries to walk his twenty-five pounds on my lap, not seeming to realize that I have my laptop on it, thereby closing any windows that were open and deleting anything I had not saved.  Thus just bringing my frown back to its original place.  He tried, though.

I have my grumpy cat and my Negative Nancy all making themselves at home inside me.  But hey; at least it’s company.

I Was Given Three Words

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend but I feel that sapphires are more of my favorite gem.  I’ve always wanted one.  Though my birth stone will always be my favorite, since purple is my favorite color.  I see a sapphire, and I think of my grandmother.  The sapphire is the birthstone of all born in September, the month my Grandma Norma was born.  I will always love her.  I still talk to her.  She is in her little pink box upon my parents’ mantel.  I anoint her with her cap on her birthday; give her a wreath when Christmas is here.  And when I see a beautiful sapphire, she is who comes to my mind, always and forever.

Now, I love my stapler. I’ve had him for ten years.  Him and his little partner.  They are both such good little helpers.  I am so grateful to them.  I keep him right next to my printer.  That is I feel the best place for him.  I’m glad he also has a little tail on his back end for if I need to remove a staple.  That’s my boy, always to the rescue.  He can keep more papers together way better than the paper clips can!  I will have him as long as my mom has had hers, since before me.

When it comes to chess, I think I know the basics.  I know the move each piece is allowed to make.  But, I probably couldn’t sit and play the game like I’ve seen these experts play it.  The way they fling piece from one square to the next, taking his pawn and her bishop within seconds.  Their timers clicking within seconds of each other.  Then I see the old men at the park playing.  One stares at the opponent’s piece.  Just stares.  I’m not even sure if the old man knows that he’s in the middle of a game or if he even knows where he is.  Then, just to practice, I play a few games with my computer.  And I get beaten every time.

I Can’t Find Waldo

Thirty days has September, yet the best month throughout the year seems to be able to make its point in only twenty-eight.  Twenty-nine when it chooses to leap.  This is the month that I made my debut.  The month that the world received such a fabulous…me. 

I still sit and think, though, that I have not achieved the goals I have set for myself.  I have not set foot in all fifty states.  I have never been to any foreign land.  I don’t know if I will achieve any that I have set for myself.  I want to, yet when I feel that already bring half way through my life, how am I supposed to complete my top ten?

We all know that my number one goal is to find whoever that one true person is.  I keep hating to hear that “As soon as you stop looking…” blah-blah because I am not the type that stops looking for what she wants.  I search and search for Waldo until I find him.  I’ve been working on some of the same word puzzles for weeks, yet I have not completed them.  I will not stop my hunt for this love of my life.  I cannot remember what I did yesterday, yet he seems to not want to leave my mind.  Jerk.

I look at the negative aspect of everything then wonder why the good part didn’t happen when it was over.  I don’t know how to be Ms. Positive.   I know how to put a smile on my face, though, to make it seem like life has not affected me.  It’s called acting.  One thing I did learn in high school.  I just wish they would have taught me how to cook or sew a tear in my favorite sweater.  They teach you all about the pathagarium theorem, but never how to do your own laundry or mow your own lawn.  Thank you so very much Board of Education for helping to become a single, thirty year old.  I can now continue on to be the grumpy old lady I have so long known I would be.

Speed Dating

I have decided to take a leap back into the wild tonight and hunt for my new mate. It is time for him to find me. Bowling is the best way to find your match. That’s what the web decides for me anyway. There also better be my correct mate thirty minutes away in Novi. I have this dreaded feeling deep inside my always overly negative self that if I am to find a wonderful man, that even if we have such a wonderful evening while bowling with all these other people he lives on the other half of Novi. Me being me, I have no idea what’s over there, though.

I’ve lived in my house for almost two years and am still unaware of all that is within my cities limits. I keep forgetting that Roseville goes all the way to Lake Saint Clair and is also another eight mile city limit city. I know, this is what a map is for.

I have been to a Speed Dating function in my past. I like that us woman get to sit and the guys have to get up and move. This gives me a chance to give them another “look”. I get to take notes as they move onto the next table. I do need to take notes since I am not a name and face person. I cannot remember names. I must write down something that sticks out to me about someone. If you have a unique name, then I remember that. But, if you’re name is like mine and in the top ten, then you may not stand out to me. I will remember how you smell, since I do love the odor that men seem to have. I of course make sure that I myself have the nice smell of the day, even though I never know what I am ever really giving off.

I do feel like tonight will be a test. A test that I have been studying for, for a long enough time. I feel that I have been ready but have not been given the grade that I deserve. I feel that I am due for my “A”. I am one person who has yet to pass, but has been trying very hard. I deserve my prince to post on my fridge.