I’m Giving Up On Us

First things first, I’m a realest. I never thought I could be a pessimist like you. You are such a downer, you would douse out the sun. I try not to play things in pretend. It makes this life I have a little simpler. This way, even on any Saturday morning I can usually jump out of bed and put on my best suit just to continue on like life is a normal day. Sometimes, though, I think I’ve got one more problem with you. Am I wrong for thinking out of this box from where I stay, only so I can help us fix what you’re saying is wrong with us? These problems that you say came with me, came when you met me in the summer, to the sound of my heartbeat. You know it, I know it. We’ve known it since that night. Yet, you lift my heart when the rest of me is down. You always have. I’m more than a one-night stand. We’ve been going on for far too long.

I know that I am always “shining like a Fifth Avenue diamond.” When those words came out of your mouth, though, trying to let me down easy, my eyes couldn’t look at more than the floor. So how did this not seem to push me towards the more complicated arrow on the road in my life? Making me, not only scared of love, but also scared of life? I have always been here for you, even all these darkest times we’ve been going through. I even feel like I’ve been here more. I don’t even care if I’m hurting your feelings. We are to the point where they’re not as bright as they were before. I know my mind is made up, and I’m not letting go of this decision. You know it’s not a bad thing to fall in love with me, don’t act like it is. I have never felt like these feelings inside are a bad thing.

I even remember, when you said once before, that we might even be done and that you had met someone, then you started to rub it in my face. That was when the shots in my heart started to be fired and the boiling in my brain began. So we knew this day would come, we’ve known it for so long. I know that this little part inside of me feels that it needs your love in my life. But then the other, larger, parts, are starting to take over. Perhaps it’s the portion that’s growing old, though I am capable of anything these days.

I still love you more than I did the week before, I always will. You always have helped me fill the doom and gloom whenever we’re in hotel rooms. You’ve always helped me when I’m having my bad day. Hell; if I were you, I’d blame this all on the beer. That’s what you seemed to do every single night when you would pick a fight with me before. I know what you have been growing to desire more in life.

Do you know what’s really worth fighting for? The first time that I saw your eyes. I realized I liked you a lot, you know I thought you were really hot. What I had growing inside me was a feeling that I had never known. You even told me, the night on our first date, that I reminded you of a beauty queen you knew when you were only 18. These days, though, I feel I’m starting to have troubles with myself. I feel that I have awoken to the sound of silence after the night we had just gone through. I’m not just scared of love, I’m scared of life I feel I’m starting to have alone. You’ve seen my pain, yet you think you can just wash it out with the rain. Is this all just a fantasy to you?

I’ve given up on you. Given up so very slowly. You are this brand new void in my life. Don’t think you can be so quick to walk away. There’s nothing in the water. I may be watching you go in the middle of the night, when you always say I’m doing you wrong. I know we’re not going anywhere so I am done crying my heart out over you.

Why Does Everything Revolve Around Me?

Somebody once told me the world is gonna role me, because I can’t get enough of you baby.  But, stop the track, lemme state facts.  One night I was up in the club, we had just broke up.  Why we were even there, I still don’t know.  We grew up in the suburbs, we’re the type who got guitars for Christmas.  But, lately, I just feel so small.  I didn’t want to breakup.  It was ugly, we had made it this far.  Four years, you think for sure.  But it was just the night I had been out to watch our band playing, “This song goes out to my good friends, : you had began.  Then you start to sing about how she used to be the happiest girl, “I knew.”  Is it okay if I speak with you today about this?  I had even talked to her about all this before.  She didn’t mean to deceive me, believe me.  And after all that her and I had discussed about you, I was in the car, I just can’t wait, to break your heart, like you broke mine.

I never thought I’d die alone.  I love you more than I did the week before.  You can’t just make me think that I’m having a bad day.  I know after all that you’ve made me put up with, you don’t deserve another night at the palace we had finally been able to put together.

I always remember how we met.  The first day of our senior year, I had found my locker and I found my classes.  Then at lunch, I found you.  And I never let go.  You always told your parents how, “She was the perfect woman, every single way.  She got me with her looks, she got me with her stare.”  And now, I never thought of us as such a big man, such a little chick.  You won’t be making me shine on the one that’s gone and left me blue.  You won’t leave me blue.  I don’t know dude, I think everybody’s all jealous.  Jealous that you let your hot girlfriend leave you, and treat you like the dirt that you are.

When I awoke the next day, though, I rolled over, thinking about the first time that I saw your eyes.  I saw nothing.  I woke up to the sound of silence.  The sun was shining through my windows and I wished that it was just raining.  I shouldn’t have been so quick to walk away from you.

It didn’t help that on my way to work, I know a place that seems just like yesterday I was passing and made me think of you.  I only left you because I run from a pessimist, but I guess I ran too late.  You make me think of all the bridges that I’ve burned along the way in life.  You were making it seem like I was walking in the wrong direction that I’ve had a little bit too much.  You know, my sugar baby, this is no longer a pop show.

I was a beauty queen of only eighteen when I was you.  It was love at first site, in my young mind.  But now, here I am waiting, I will have to leave soon.  I know you’re thinking that I’ll pull back the shield between us and I’ll kiss you.

There were days it seemed like you were as cold as the blood that runs through your bones.  I had my days where I know you would see my pain that I was washing out in the rain.  But you just let me continue to darken the door, even though I know that time has numbered my days.

This break-up still makes me wonder, “is this real life?”  Are you going to take me home tonight? Everybody does need it, everybody wants it.  Love.  I’m trying to give it up, give it up slowly.

I sometimes feel that I’ve dug up miles and miles of sand for yo.  I’m just trying to make myself think that we’re going somewhere.  That we’re going off somewhere the musics paying soft and low.

This morning at 6am, my clock was ringing, and I still can’t figure out why.  I had been hoping I had learned how to set it to you singing about how you like big butts and you never lie.  I loved that clock.  When you had bought it for me, it made me believe we’re do it all: life, love, everything. 

This night, though, I look and stare deep into your eyes, feeling the war inside me.  I know you’re always thinking when I have a certain look, “She might just be out of her mind.”  This time, it’s not just about the latest fashion.

Even though it’s three in the morning and I gotta be someplace, I have to do this now.  I’d like to tell you all about my dream of life, which you are no longer a part of.  Because, even if twenty four hours ago, I wanted to be sedated, I will never want to be sedated with you.

I Know I’m Magnetic So You Might Be My Cobalt

One night, I walked into his house.  We both know him.  I have for as long as I’ve been born; I still never remember how long you have.  Without him, though, I would not have met you.  I know the first time I ever have met you, you came to what I refer to as my usual Family Christmas.  I can understand that for this season, no one needs to be alone.  The next time I got to meet the real you, I believe was one of his usual run into the cold water functions, which I now always look forward to.  I do know this was at the time when his wild friend Chris was still here, a few years before his passing, and I still don’t know what drew me more towards you, though. His personality is usually more of what I am drawn towards.  You were in the middle of a conversation with someone, more than likely something ever more interesting that you’re always talking about.  You also have to remember that this was four or five years ago, so what precisely was being talked about I don’t think any of us know.  I felt drawn across the room towards you because of two things that I know I never forget when I think of you; the way your laughter seems to draw everyone in the room into whatever you have just said.  And your eyes.  You have the type that I find I can only look at for a brief second when I have worked up the nerve to speak with you, as my insides begin to fill with so much nervous emotions and thoughts.  As I try to gaze again, I can feel my tiny smile start to make her appearance in the hopes that she’ll find a way to impress you.

I don’t even know why I try this.  Alas, you are not my first attempt at getting my feelings across.  So, sorry, you’re not that special.  However, you are different.  All that I have felt in the past is just that; the past.  All I have felt in my heart for whoever those were for whenever that was is all different then what I know I am feeling for you now.  I don’t even remember any of what that was.  I just remember that the first time I looked into your deep brown eyes, the butterflies started on their journey towards my heart.  They have made this journey with their hopes that their mission would be completed, that my wish has come true.

I am the type that can express this emotion better in writing than through my voice.  I may seem like the type that has no problem speaking what is going on in her mind, but when it comes to this portion of my deep dark hole, I tread lightly.  Just not so sure what would happen if I were to approach you with this difficult stage in our lives, this stage that I know is meant to teach two people whose hearts, I believe, might be meant for each other.  We could be the two pieces to our puzzles of life that we’ve been searching for.  But, I could just have my hopes too high, as I seem to always set them when it comes to this road of my life.

I believe opposites can attract.  I also believe it only takes five minutes to converse with a person and realize you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them.  I might need more than that, though.  Two would never know how much magnetism they had towards each other unless  one actually had the balls to express these types of emotions toward who they think could be their cobalt.

It’s a Sailors Life For Me

I know that I talk about this all the time. It’s probably nothing even. I always, always think that this time you’re the chosen one. Then, after I get the disappointing let down that I have heard what feels like everyday over these past twenty years, I just try to shove it deep inside my stomach and continue on with my lonely life. Well, it’s not that lonely. I have people that I run to when I need those arms wrapped around me after the rejection that I should just be used to. Or if I need a persons ears to have my life complained about over the beer that will help drown away the sorrows.

I normally have no problem telling a person how I feel. I am just so used to getting the same response that this has almost become a habit. I prepare myself, take my deep breathe, let out my emotions about how I feel, then just walk away, knowing that they don’t feel the same way without even having to hear or read a response.

I can hit on a random guy at a bar. I have no problem talking coyly to a cashier at any store. But when I see you standing there, with blue eyes and your blonde hair (yes I’m a thinking of Blink-182) I feel that I have lost my powers. I feel that I am not able to have the look in my eyes that I will give to who I have this bubbling about; the little bubbles that start to boil in my stomach when I see a person that I think was written in the stars for me. (Of course, how many people were written up there for each of us? I feel like I’ve tried for all of them already!)

So, I try to avoid you. I don’t want my emotions for you to be know. That will make this world a better place. You can continue on with your busy day, never knowing that this one woman has these feelings, these “Who is this funny, handsome young man?” senses dwindling around in her head daily as she stalks through your Facebook (but not everyday). How would you know if you had let “the” one get away from you if you hadn’t taken that one chance you had to just sit and talk with her? We all have our busy days, some more than others, but it only takes a mere five minutes for your insides to know that the person that you have set your eyes upon is the one that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. I know that I have probably let a few of them pass me by, but you’ll never know unless you look into her eyes and let her set foot onto your land.

My Smiley Face

I know my “art” thing, or whatever it’s supposed to be is meant to be a good thing.  But I didn’t consider it that last week.  Last week, I felt like I was almost surrounded by children.  I felt like I was being instructed as a ten-years-old.  I do know that I am not always in my right state of mind, but this group wasn’t anything like I had expected it to be.  For one, I think I was the only person who had driven themselves.  I also think I was the only who lives on their own.  I do know that I am not the smartest person in this world, not even close.  But this group brought me down a little.  It made me feel like these holes in my mind are never even going to let me move onto the next stage that I need to succeed.  However, it is that I’m stuck in these holes.  Forever, because of all this cement in my head.

I know that I can try, but I will always be one fraction away from what I am reaching for.  It is the way that my holes have been dug and have designed me to be now.  I have tried to change over these ten years, since this has all begun.  Yet I always seem to get back to square one.  This lousy square that started it all. The one that brings me down to my lowest, begins to point me towards a new ray of hope then shatters my bright shining star just as I have reached it.  That is why I know I need a new couch.

One day, though, I will find a big nail file and star on one corner.  I will file each corner of this square until it is just a simple big circle.  Then, you know what I will have; my own smiley face for the road to follow.  And I will.

A Left on Rejection

I don’t even think what is living inside me is real.  I don’t even know that if this bubble in my heart starts to boil whenever I come across him is just another mistake that I have stumbled upon on this stupid road of love that I have been lost on for what seems like forever. But when I see him, this smile does not seem to want to leave me.  I cannot seem to get rid of it, no matter how hard I try to wipe it off.  I don’t want him to know, though.  I don’t want him to know what this is inside that is growing for him.  I only don’t want him to because I don’t want to get the feed back that I am oh so used to: 

  Wow, I don’t think I saw this coming.  I really  do appreciate it, but I wouldn’t want to ruin this friendship that we have.  I hope you can   understand that.

Of course I understand, you overly intelligent dumb-ass!  I’m so used to all these rejections that I have had thrown into my face throughout my life that I don’t even know how I would react if the person I was expressing my feelings towards told me that they felt exactly the same way.  I never know how to respond to a message I receive from overly good looking men on these multiply dating sites that I am a member of.

Yet, this little piece of emotion inside me, I do not know what to do with.  So I just continue to sit, skulk away at your happy face as I come upon what you have accomplished for the day.  You have done so much more that I know I will never do.  All that I have done throughout the week, I know that you are able to do in just a day with how quickly you move in your life.  This is why the emotion of rejection has mounted in my mind.  Why I do not want to express my feelings for you builds its own little home in my stomach, makes itself comfortable, knowing that I will do nothing to get rid of it.  The rejections that I know I will receive  add themselves to the pile.  The thoughts of feelings that I know you have in your mind for another person are added to the pile.  This is added to the pile that is so high in my mind with all the other no’s that I have received in my life, so I just continue on, alone down this road that I know most call Rejection but I never refer to it as that.  For I know that I am not being rejected.  I may be being declined, but if I was being rejected then I would need to feel like I have not accomplished one of the more important things in life.  But I will move on.  I know there will be another diamond in my rough.  Even if I have to set aside the one that I had my eyes upon, set aside the one that I had been gazing at from afar and tried so hard not to touch, I will move on.  I will continue on for this search of wherever this other half is no matter how long it takes.  When I see you, though, I will try not to let my dreams start like they have in the past.  I will try to not imagine what we could be.  For I know, this is one task on my list I do not think I will be able to accomplish in this life.

My Best Decision

I don’t know how to write about my best decision is my life.  I don’t know if I’ve even made one.  So far, I haven’t accomplished anything on my bucket list.  I sometimes think that I have given myself far too many things to try and accomplish in my life.  I also know that in times today, getting out of bed for some can be hard.  I do make myself do throw off the covers, mostly just to use the bathroom, and also to silence my cat.  My fuzzy fat one wanders around, crying away at the crack of dawn, like he’s starving.  I only live with my two cats, C-Lo and Luda. So I do not feel odd if I am out of bed with no pants on.  This can be a benefit of living alone.  Why, I still do not know.  Tis, relaxing at times. 

I realized the other day that I have lived on my own for over a year, and still have yet to find, what is that called; a job. These times are hard but I shall not stop hunting.  But, as I am out doing my searches, I will enjoy my days in my new home.  I will continue to grow up, yet I do not have any idea how.  I am learning that my drill has two different bit pieces for it; one that actually DRILLS a hole and another that helps to SCREW a screw into the hole. I do not recall how many times I needed to use my drill before I remembered which bit was which bit.

I love my parents.  I feel, though, that I am not their little girl anymore. Watching the world turn and continue to grow around me, I think that I am not growing up fast enough.  I can see that every person around me seems to be finding their own path to wander down, yet I seem to be stuck not knowing where to go.  I know that I am an adult, I have no rules to obey, yet I still feel like I cannot do whatever I want sometimes.  I still feel like I have to ask permission to be out past my “bed time.”

But what decisions to even make, I still do not know at times.  I have about given up on looking for both a career and romance.  Both of these roads seem to have huge, boulders on all of their paths.  I hear through the trees on these roads to, “Never give up, never surrender.”  But, I am exhausted from the hours, the excitements from any replies I have received and then the heart ache from seeing that it is just another letdown.

Maybe this is what creating a list for you is for?  A simple one or one that I should put together, then set forth to accomplish what I have given myself?  Not working, giving up on looking for that, I should set forth on the rest of my life.  I know what I have given myself to do is not something that the poorest can afford.  This is also a lesson I need to learn, though: how to save. 

My Bucket List as of August 21, 2013

  1. Visit all 50 States (even if I just set foot into each state, that counts as a visit to me!)
  2. Go to Scotland (This is where the VanMeters started.  The Steele’s all started in the           south, so I’ve been there!)
  3. Write Short Stories
  4. Visit Alaska (I want to see REAL snow.  And a moose.  A MOOSE on SNOW.)
  5. Drive Route 66 (whatever the big deal about that road’s suppose to be)
  6. See Yellow Stone ( I heard this is supposed to be a big deal, or something.  I bet I could see more moose there!)
  7. Begin Stained Glass Business

So I guess I have accomplished one thing on my list.  Who knows when the rest will be done?  I still have a long life ahead of me, though.  I can feel it.

So, I know it’s been awhile. Well, really not that long, but it’s not like we saw each other yesterday.  I hope everything’s been going good.  It seems like it has since I’m on Facebook all day.  I really do need to find something better to do with my life.  

I guess I’m really only writing so I can get something off my chest.  Nothing bad; there’s no need to worry.  You haven’t done anything to cause me to be mad at you.  Really, I’m only writing because, I think that deep down inside me, deep, deep down in this empty hole that I know I have somewhere in there, are feelings for you.  Now, I could be totally wrong.  I know I’ve walked in these wrong directions many times.  I do know I’ve known you for a while and you do not seem to want to leave my mind.  No matter how many times I’ve told you to. You’re one of the first faces that makes his way into my head whenever I hear those certain songs on the radio I know you like.  When I’m reading my magazines, I’ll get to a page with what seems like a pointless article they decided to cover, but for some reason it reminds me of something I think we had talked about few months ago.

A smile comes to my face as I begin to think about you, but then I remember that we’re not together.  There’s never been a you plus me. I’ve never even been close to that. I don’t know if you’ve ever known that I’ve had these emotions for you inside me. I never wanted to tell you. I take that back; I have wanted to. I just never knew if there was a good time to tell you. I never knew how I would. Does anyone, though?

My Best Decision

I don’t know how to write about my best decision is my life. I don’t know if I’ve even made one. So far, I haven’t accomplished anything on my bucket list. I sometimes think that I have given myself far too many things to try and accomplish in my life. I also know that in times today, getting out of bed for some can be hard. I do make myself do throw off the covers, mostly just to use the bathroom, and also to silence my cat. My fuzzy fat one wanders around, crying away at the crack of dawn, like he’s starving. I only live with my two cats, C-Lo and Luda. So I do not feel odd if I am out of bed with no pants on. This can be a benefit of living alone. Why, I still do not know. ‘Tis, relaxing at times.

I realized the other day that I have lived on my own for over a year, and still have yet to find work. These times are hard but I shall not stop hunting. But, as I am out doing my searches, I will enjoy my days in my new home. I will continue to grow up, yet I do not have any idea how. I am learning that my drill has two different bit pieces for it; one that actually DRILLS a hole and another that helps to SCREW a screw into the hole. I do not recall how many times I needed to use my drill before I remembered which bit was which bit.

I love my parents. I felt, though, that I am not their little girl anymore. Watching the world turn and continue to grow around me, I thought that I wasn’t growing up fast enough. I could see that every person around me was finding their own path to wander down, yet I seemed to be stuck not knowing where to go. I knew that I was an adult, I had no rules to obey, yet I still felt like I could not do whatever I wanted. I still felt like I had to ask permission to be out past my “bed time.”
But what decisions to even make, I still do not know at times. I have about given up on looking for both a career and romance. Both of these roads seem to have blocks on all of their paths. I hear through the trees on these roads to, “Never give up, never surrender.” But, I am exhausted from the hours, the excitements from any replies I have received and then the heart ache from seeing that it is just another letdown.

Maybe this is what creating a list for you is for? A simple one or one that I should put together, then set forth to accomplish what I have given myself? Not working, giving up on looking for that, I should set forth on the rest of my life. I know what I have given myself to do is not something that the poorest can afford. This is also a lesson I need to learn, though: how to save.

My Bucket List as of August 21, 2013
1. Visit all 50 States
2. Go to Scotland
3. Write Short Stories
4. Visit Alaska
5. Drive Route 66 (alone or with family)
6. Visit San Diego Zoo
7. See Yellow Stone
8. Begin Stained Glass Business

So I guess I have accomplished one thing on my list. Who knows when the rest will be done? I still have a long life ahead of me, though. I can feel it.

Three People Walk Into a Bar

….and they all continue right past me.  This is yet another of my attempts to pick up a hopeful Prince of my Heart.  This path that I have been wandering hopelessly down seems to be growing smaller and darker as I see the door to my middle age lurking up ahead.  I just gaze upon the updates I know I shouldn’t let squash another lump into my heart, yet I let them.  I should be trying to look on the optimistic side of the road, but I don’t believe I’ve ever been able to, for when I peer into that portion of the vase, it always just tips over and dumps all over me, leaving me piled under the engrossing disasters that were inside, just adding more stress into my life.  So, I just look at the darker side of things knowing I will not have to fall as hard when I do fail.

Now, back to my Prince Charming.  Where for arthough thee?  I, as a not so patient woman know that the age of marriage and motherhood grows older than it was back in the times when we were brought to this wonderful Earth, but I just grow more anxious as I see another new person brought into this world.  I grow more lonely when I see another has taken their other in sickness and in health until blah, blah, BARF!  I feel that if there is another one of these to be announced in the next month or week even I will want to throw my computer onto my driveway then doss it in lighter fluid and watch it illuminate the night sky as I throw a match at it.  That would be a little cool to see.

That just makes me sound more like fairest in the land.  I do feel like I am searching more for my prince than he is for me.  I know there are many different sayings on how to find the one that is meant for me.  How am I suppose to find him, though?  I keep being told to just wait.  I’m suppose to sit and wait for him to come find me.  Well, Romeo, I’m sitting on my couch, the same spot I sit in day in, day out, many lonely nights trying each of these dating sites that I hear are all “The One” that works.  Yet, there still appears to be no person sitting on my left. I do not seem receive any response to what I just assume would be a pick up line if I was out face to face with this person that I had actually attempted to pursue on these sites.

I tell myself not to give up.  There is someone out there for everyone.  I do know that there is.  I believe in what I read that each person was put on this Earth and we are suppose to find our better half.  But I do not want to find him when I am fifty-six.  I would like to find him tomorrow. I just wonder how you all have done it?  I know, I know; just don’t give up, don’t try so hard, he’s out there.  Yet, again, I cannot be patient. I try, and I try, and I try.  Even when I’m cooking something, it is difficult for me to sit around and wait for whatever I am heating in the oven to finish.  I must find something to distract myself.  

Maybe this is what I need to do, to steer me away from my road to nothing.  I cannot find work after three years, so now I suppose I can try to find myself a hobby to take my attention away from hunting the roads for my Romeo. Though, we all know, the way our roads tend to be in this state.  I know that I am destined to be sitting on my front porch on the summers eves knitting nothing well into my old age.  I can feel it.