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Five Rules To Ignore

Growing up we are all taught our manners, some of us a little more than others.  Us women are most of the time always expected to be ladies; skirts, smiles, hair in buns all that jazz.  Well, you’re looking at the wrong young lady.  I’m not saying I wasn’t raised correctly. I know my “please” and “thank you’s”.  But I also am not afraid to speak my mind, at times too much.  There are quite a few other “lady” habits that I seem to wear away from in this day and age:

Shy away from gossip:
I am usually one jumping into the pool when it comes to this topic of conversation. “OMG!  Did you hear that she did something with him last week while they were in this one place all day?”  Then I can’t wait to post it on one of my numerous social networks just to spread it more into the world.  We’re all like this in some sort of way, no matter how much we claim to keep a secret.  There is always one person that we have to get this juicy, little piece deep inside of our soles out of us before it eats our whole brain.  I, must admit, that a good way to get these out of our system is journaling.  Real people can always become fiction.

Be intelligent, but not a know-it-all:
I already know that I’m not a know-it-all.  But as soon as I learn something new, something that seems so interesting, I have to tell the world.  I have to get it out of my system.  You all know that I’ve already forgotten what I did ten minutes ago, so whose to think that this glorious piece of gold that has just dug it’s way into my brain will even stay there?  I must spread it around before it’s gone.  In a way, it’s like I’m gossiping, this one piece is not only more interesting, but you would be learning from it.  It’s a win win.

Do not swear; class is defined
Well eff this crap.  These days, I’m not afraid to cuss a loogie in front of my mom.  She sure has raised a damn good lady here.  So, I guess this makes me, Dick class?  I’m sure even our glorious Queen Elizabeth has dropped the eff bomb once or twice in her 80 years on our Earth.  I can only imagine her, sitting at her kitchen table in the  evening, perusing through the paper and stumbling across an article about her ever so handsome grandson Prince Harry.  He has, again been caught stumbling himself drunk around with crowd of busty blondes.  She sets down the paper and stares across the table at Charles, taking a deep sigh before saying “I am getting too old for this shit.”

Never kiss a gentleman until the third date:
Again, I suppose I am not a “proper lady” in this day and age.  When I have finally gotten a response to a phone number I had handed over to the nice looking gentleman I had seen, or an email I had sent on my millionth dating site, then after I have finished exploding with excitement, I go out on a date.  My usual first date with a gentleman is just the two of us meeting for a few drinks.  This gives us the simple chance just to sit, chit chat and get to know each other. As this first date begins to come to its end, I can feel that, that moment is approaching. I can feel something happening inside me.  There’s a feeling of fireworks starting to implode in my stomach when I look into your eyes.  I don’t know what makes me want to just pull you close to me and kiss you.  But I do, and that moment is even more magical. So, screw you third date.  This was the best first date a woman could ask for.

Stay well groomed:

I am told to stay well groomed while I sit here writing this, my hair thrown into a clumped together pile while I’m wearing the same jeans I’ve had on for the past five days and the t-shirt I slept in.  I also didn’t clean off my makeup from my fun evening last night until I awakened at 1:30 this afternoon.  My underwear is clean, though.  But there shall be no worries, for the interview I have tomorrow, I do know how dapper I will be for that.

I feel that I am a lady when I need to be.  But when I don’t feel like being a lady, then screw this world and I’ll just sit on my couch without my pants

Shining My Sparkle

There are 6,775,235,842 people in the world. So why am I letting one of them ruin my life? It’s better to end something and start another than to imprison myself in hoping for the impossible. Sometimes I have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they use to be. I just have to inhale the future, and exhale the past. If I can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much I can love the right one. Sometimes I just miss the memories, not the person. I still have a place for you in my heart, just not in my life. To heal a wound, I need to stop playing with this damn band-aid so much. You’re going to be sorry that you lost me, so I need to stop worrying and just forget the past, forget all of that pain and remember what an incredible woman I am. I am awesome.

Sometimes, the best way to get someone’s attention is to stop giving them mine. The moment I feel like I have to prove my worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away, I really do miss what we almost had. If I wouldn’t have left you so many times, perhaps we’d be more. It hurts when I have someone in my heart, but I can’t have them in my arms. Some days I can’t stop thinking about you but other days I wonder why I’m wasting my time. I can’t let anyone dull my sparkle. We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves around the sea and I don’t believe in miracles. I know there’s a guy out there who’s going to be really happy that I didn’t get back together with my crappy ex-boyfriend. I’m making changes in my life so if you don’t hear from me, then you know you’re one of them. Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9. I can’t just kill myself over this guy, I know he’d just bring another girl to my funeral. I can’t get all depressed over a guy from my past. That’s like being sad because the garbage man picked up the trash. Have a nice life. I’m done trying to be in it.

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My One Addiction

“Hey, how you doin?” I think that will always be my standard pick up line. If you don’t know whose un-fall-for-able line that is, than I pity you. It’s almost like you never owned a TV. So what was all of your furniture pointed at? Apparently, you’re not very lonely, awkward or as desperate for love as I am on most days. But I have my perk. I’m still out searching for my Crap Bag, and I will find him some day. If you know why a Crap Bag is a good thing, then you all know I would be his Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Until then, though, I will pivot through life, searching through countless ugly, naked guys. I know for sure I’ll be careful to make sure they don’t have VD. If anything, I could always escape life for relaxation and fresh air to Yemen. Or I could just take a nap with my best friend. Because, until I find my lobster, you guys are stuck with me.

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The Future!

June 15, 2025. It’s a sunny, Tuesday afternoon. I’m actually in an office, FINALLY working. I am happy hear. It’s not difficult, but it’s not too easy. It’s still a learning experience. And my supervisors understand my tough days and know how to deal with them. I’m looking forward to the end of the day, when I get to go home to my family. Not my parents; my actual family that I just started creating. I have found my love, hopefully the one that is pounding at my heart and won’t leave my head these past few months. I can’t force him to be mine, but I can hope. I can toss a penny into the pond and wish on every star. So I hope that the person who greets me with a kiss when I walk through the door is him, but if not, I know that it will be the man that my heart had told me is the one meant for me.

In ten years I see myself with children. If I meet my better half next year, we would have our two beautiful children by 2025. My adorably, humor filled Steven James and my domineering Mackenzie Lynne. She takes after her mother. Perhaps we’d be planning for our third. I’m only 41, after all.

The path in my life that I’m on now does not seem to be going as I had planned. At this point, I should be an English teacher, married, with four children. This all should have begun six years ago, at the ripe old age of 25.   I know I was thrown off the path a few years prior, brain exploding, all that jazz, but I should have pulled myself back onto the road. My prince should have been waiting at the end of my path. I should have completed my school, be licensed to assist in the legal field. I somehow keep getting lost, though. So, will I truly be where I see myself in 2025? Hell, I don’t even know where I’ll be tomorrow.

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I’m just sitting here, on this warm, miserably grey Monday, trying to entertain myself. But with all of my inspiration gone, I’m not getting very far. I really would like you to tell me something, anything really. I am about to give up on you. My sun hasn’t shined since I last said goodbye to you. But I have seen some light at the end of my tunnel, the one day you had said hello. I still just wonder why we both appear lost on this same road and can’t seem to meet each other in the middle.

I realize I have left you there so many times, then again I know that this time will be the last. This will be the last time that we will meet there and then we can walk to the end of our path in life together. You are the one that I love. My first one. So just say something, anything. I’m almost giving up on you.  But I would rather have hard times with you, than good times with another.  I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.  I would rather have hard times together, than have it so easy apart.

I can see on our road where the line of broken hearts starts behind you, but always leads you back to me. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies, it is compromise that moves us along. So even though my heart always feels broken from my mistakes, my door is always open. You can come back to me anytime. Though I wish that time was now.

My first love may not be my first kiss or my first date ever. My first love is the person who I compare everyone else to. You are the person that I will never truly get over, even when I’ve tried to convince myself that I have. When we first met, I had no idea you would be so important to me. I will wait for you because, honestly, I don’t want anyone else.

Perhaps my worst decision in life was that I let you go. I do need one more chance to make it all right, for deep inside my heart, I can feel that you are my other half. I have thought, over and over, that when we’d be getting to the half-way point, I would be feeling like a spark was happening, maybe too fast, so I would panic. Or maybe I was thinking I still had more lobster out there in this vast, glorious ocean of life. Perhaps I wasn’t looking in the right section for my correct apple. So I tried a different path in life. Yet, I was always drawn back to you. None of my other apples tasted as good as you.

“Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again”

“Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”

“Yes. I want to ruin you.”

“Good.” I said. “That’s what I want, too.”

  • Ernest Hemingway, “A Farewell To Arms”

My three celebrity crushes makes me feel like a teenage girl at times. I seriously still want to keep my walls covered with all of these men. I feel that if I ever came face to face with any of them, I would immediately burst into tears then fall to the ground with words unable to escape from my mouth. Utter embarrassment.

Who wouldn’t fall in love with these guys, and they do come as a set? Sal Vulcano, James “Murr” Murray, Brian “Q” Quinn, and Joe Gatto. One is never without another. For instance, I am listening to Sal and Q as I write about them, right now. Their deep, rough Brooklyn voices sinking deeply into my mind, making my heart grow need for them. Even if their topic today is all about the Fast and Furious 7. I was somehow drawn into these four two years ago when their show began on TBS, but they’re now on TruTV. I know it was first Sal’s blue eyes that I saw, that I couldn’t look away from. You never forget those eyes. I forget the jokes, but never his eyes. I know, too, now that I began to develop feelings for the rest of them as well. Joe’s outrageous sense of humor. I know they’re a comedic group, but Joe is the most boisterous (Larry…Larry…LARRY!!!) He is also the beautifullest women I have ever seen, and I still want him. Then there is the cute, little Murr, the smallest of the four. He’s so tiny and cuddliest yet willing to walk around New York’s City naked. If he’s willing to do that, I can only imagine what he’s willing to do in the bedroom. I’m also still wondering if he kept all of his piercings. Now that I’m falling for Q, I know I would never leave him at the altar. Not to mention, he is so much better looking than Rosie O’Donald, especially when he has his beard.

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As soon as I hear the clock strike eight on Thursday evenings, I know that it is time for my “Grey’s Anatomy”. This is also a time to watch the four other loves of my life Alex Carev, Mark Sloan, Jackson Avery, Owen Hunt and Derek Shepard. I know these aren’t real men, but in my mind, they can be my doctors anytime. The day Mark died was one of the most tragic days of my life. Then they had the audacity to kill off Derek Shepard! My heart still remains broken. Those eyes, that hair, their butts. However is a women supposed to move on with their life? I do still have my Hunt, Carev and Jackson. Dr. Hunt will run to anyone as soon as they need him yet he’s able to break down when he’s worked too hard, show his true feelings. Carev has feelings that he will always try to mend. He is the type of guy who wants to run and fix everything that is falling apart. Jackson also has those type of eyes that you get sucked into and can’t get out of.

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The other pair that I love whenever my eyes fall upon them is Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. When they are apart, sure they have their own cuteness on them, but when they are magnetic together, OH MY God! Their hotness fills the room. Hotness and humor. Both have the eyes that I cannot be drawn away from. Not to mention, JT has the voice that makes my skin shake as soon as it’s in the air, then when J-Fal begins to follow, my chills do not melt away.

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It never matters which of these men were to ever choose me, for I would always go down his path. I love you all!

I Have No Memory

One night I went to bed. I had the worst headache my head had ever had. This massive, continuous vibration taking over my mind had been in my head for what felt like forever, but had only been two week. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was also having a difficult time seeing off to my ride side. I felt like I had something jammed into my eye, causing all of this grief.

My doctor was useless. He just wrote it all off as the typical symptoms for a cold. Apparently, though, I must have told him all that I was feeling, or maybe he wouldn’t have been such a dumbass.

I tried to have a normal day and work at the pat store I had been at. That dreadful day, though, I couldn’t even lift a five pound bag of bird seed without feeling an explosion in my head. I was almost unable to see out of my eye anymore. No matter how many times it was rubbed, or I blinked, whatever was crammed in my eye would not leave. I know that when I went home that night, I just passed out within minutes.

Two weeks later, I awoke with my arms strapped to a bed somewhere and I had no idea how I had gotten there.

My mom started explain everything to me. She started explain how she had come up to my room to check on my on a day I was supposed to be getting ready for work. I am never late, but I guess I hadn’t been responding to anyone. When she had come upstairs, saw that I was still in bed, went to wake me, I had no idea who she was.

Seizures can do this to people. They empty the brain of all your thoughts. All your functions, words, I had no idea what had happened that night or any of those days after.

My earliest memory of this, is waking up and seeing my mother’s face when I was speaking to her. I don’t know if I had been in the preceding weeks, but I do remember after I began knowing what was happening around me, I didn’t need to be strapped to my bed anymore. I was free.

I still didn’t know what had happened.  Even now, twelve years later, I am still not entirely sure. I have been told over and over, but I know that after that night, I will never be the same. My ability to remember will never be the same.

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What Am I?

Today I was depressed. I was also optimistic. Is being both of these possible? My head does tend to go back and forth. It never seems to want to make up its mind. Either up, or down. One or the other. I would just like one day where I could spend it in the up zone. Where nothing could bring me down.

I am really confused about my life right now. I still feel that I’m lost on the same path. I want to give up on my two searches for, my lobster and my calling. When one seems almost in my grasp, somehow it is quickly pulled away.

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I think about what I am doing with my life right now: nothing. At least that feels like it. A lot of the time I’m just sitting here or there, not really giving a damn anymore. I sometimes don’t see any point to put forth any effort. After I have given so much and received nothing in return, why bother?

I wonder if my psychic is right. I sometimes believe in this stuff. At least I want to. I just want one to be dead on and say something to me that only I know about myself, then I would really believe them. It is only when they’re giving me the optimist going to happens that I begin to fill with doubt.

I wish what I wish for would come true. When I tossed my penny into the river, I sent my wants all along with it, hoping that what I have been wishing for for what feels like my whole life will finally come true. Maybe this will finally be the last cent I need to toss. Or perhaps I’m not tossing enough.

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I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to be. I’m still at a point in my life where the waves have not calmed. My ocean is never the same. Things seem out of control sometimes. Then there are points when I’m so bored, I’m texting my mom every five minutes even while she’s at work.

I believe what I want will happen. I believe my happy days will come. My missing piece in this puzzle of life will soon be filled. I can feel it. There is something inside me that is telling me to keep that optimistic portion of my brain awake. Love is in the air. I just need a net to catch it.

I promise to be the greatest aunt my niece can ever have. I will be the one she can always turn to. I will always be here for her. When her uncle’s finally get wives, they will never stand a chance.

I love myself. Isn’t that all that really matters?

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A True Teeniebopper

Dear Sal,

First and foremost; I think that I’m in love with you. You are one of the most hilarious guys I have been watching lately. I would love to actually meet you one day. I am a huge fan of you and your bro’s: Q, Joe and Murr. I feel so horrible that I missed you guys when you were in Detroit. I am still a die-hard fan, though. I have a coffee mug with your name on it! Next to my big, blue owl one, yours is my next mostly used one. I watch “Impractical Jokers” every chance I can get. I check my program listings to see whenever it’s on. Then, I always get drawn into your deep blue eyes and can’t stop staring at your big, juicy lips. I would road trip to New York City if you ever wanted to meet for coffee sometime. Maybe? It would only take me 9 and a half hours. I remember the first time I laid my eyes on you. Your show was giving us fans a preview of some sort on TBS. I believe this was before it started tuning into TruTV. You were on for a whole week the hour before my Conan, so of course I was going to be watching you guys. I immediately fell in love with the group. And after watching a few more episodes, there was something about you that made me feel like I am on the correct path in my life. The right path towards you. And this is what drinks are for! So, Sal, the next time you’re in the Detroit area, we should really meet. Hopefully. I am one of your biggest fans, after all.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

PS

Sorry if I came off too “teenybopper”.  I tend to do that sometimes.

Sal

– Germany, 1930; Lili Elbe was the first know recipient of transgender surgery. Sadly, though, she died three months after.

– Christine Jorgensen, 1952; underwent transgender surgery.

– The first male-to-female surgery in the United States took place in 1966 at John Hopkins.

So, what does this all have to do with Bruce – sorry – CAITLYNN Jenner? She has had this same type of surgery. She has been able to make herself a real person. But, I suppose, in order to make her life easier, she has needed to shove all of it into America’s face every minute of every day for these past six months. Well thank you for trying to make it seem that you are the first and only person in this world who has had the balls to open this door in their life. Well, I’m sorry ma’am. You are way behind the times, so please, there are far more important issues to be dealing with.

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If you begin typing into your Google search engine, it starts to throw out to you some ideas of what you might be looking for, to help you find it a little faster. You begin to type in the object and immediately, Kim Kardashian’s name pops up. But how really important is this news that I must take the busy time out of my overly empty day to read about her trash? Russel Simmons apparently thinks she’d be a better president than Donald Trump. She also made NPR listeners of “Wait, Wait” hate and dis the show just for having her as a guest. She made the listeners write in, telling the show their likes and respect for them has gone down. I can also see that now how she dresses during her pregnancy, that was also announced the day after it happened, is going to be thrown into our faces every five minutes. Not to mention, I do not understand why she feels the need to wear five inch heels when she reaches her nine month period? Searching through my Google again, I can see that is has been 45 whole minutes since they have posted a new article about her today. They really need to get with the times. If her just sitting on the toilet like a standard, normal person isn’t posted every five minutes, then our world just might be coming to an end. So please, media, shove her into my face some more!

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