Welcome to my thinkings, on WordPress.com.

I Have No Memory

One night I went to bed. I had the worst headache my head had ever had. This massive, continuous vibration taking over my mind had been in my head for what felt like forever, but had only been two week. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was also having a difficult time seeing off to my ride side. I felt like I had something jammed into my eye, causing all of this grief.

My doctor was useless. He just wrote it all off as the typical symptoms for a cold. Apparently, though, I must have told him all that I was feeling, or maybe he wouldn’t have been such a dumbass.

I tried to have a normal day and work at the pat store I had been at. That dreadful day, though, I couldn’t even lift a five pound bag of bird seed without feeling an explosion in my head. I was almost unable to see out of my eye anymore. No matter how many times it was rubbed, or I blinked, whatever was crammed in my eye would not leave. I know that when I went home that night, I just passed out within minutes.

Two weeks later, I awoke with my arms strapped to a bed somewhere and I had no idea how I had gotten there.

My mom started explain everything to me. She started explain how she had come up to my room to check on my on a day I was supposed to be getting ready for work. I am never late, but I guess I hadn’t been responding to anyone. When she had come upstairs, saw that I was still in bed, went to wake me, I had no idea who she was.

Seizures can do this to people. They empty the brain of all your thoughts. All your functions, words, I had no idea what had happened that night or any of those days after.

My earliest memory of this, is waking up and seeing my mother’s face when I was speaking to her. I don’t know if I had been in the preceding weeks, but I do remember after I began knowing what was happening around me, I didn’t need to be strapped to my bed anymore. I was free.

I still didn’t know what had happened.  Even now, twelve years later, I am still not entirely sure. I have been told over and over, but I know that after that night, I will never be the same. My ability to remember will never be the same.

efa121288596b0a41c19c261a166e130

What Am I?

Today I was depressed. I was also optimistic. Is being both of these possible? My head does tend to go back and forth. It never seems to want to make up its mind. Either up, or down. One or the other. I would just like one day where I could spend it in the up zone. Where nothing could bring me down.

I am really confused about my life right now. I still feel that I’m lost on the same path. I want to give up on my two searches for, my lobster and my calling. When one seems almost in my grasp, somehow it is quickly pulled away.

images (8)

I think about what I am doing with my life right now: nothing. At least that feels like it. A lot of the time I’m just sitting here or there, not really giving a damn anymore. I sometimes don’t see any point to put forth any effort. After I have given so much and received nothing in return, why bother?

I wonder if my psychic is right. I sometimes believe in this stuff. At least I want to. I just want one to be dead on and say something to me that only I know about myself, then I would really believe them. It is only when they’re giving me the optimist going to happens that I begin to fill with doubt.

I wish what I wish for would come true. When I tossed my penny into the river, I sent my wants all along with it, hoping that what I have been wishing for for what feels like my whole life will finally come true. Maybe this will finally be the last cent I need to toss. Or perhaps I’m not tossing enough.

images12YG66E5

I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to be. I’m still at a point in my life where the waves have not calmed. My ocean is never the same. Things seem out of control sometimes. Then there are points when I’m so bored, I’m texting my mom every five minutes even while she’s at work.

I believe what I want will happen. I believe my happy days will come. My missing piece in this puzzle of life will soon be filled. I can feel it. There is something inside me that is telling me to keep that optimistic portion of my brain awake. Love is in the air. I just need a net to catch it.

I promise to be the greatest aunt my niece can ever have. I will be the one she can always turn to. I will always be here for her. When her uncle’s finally get wives, they will never stand a chance.

I love myself. Isn’t that all that really matters?

imagesBPCWL4Q9

A True Teeniebopper

Dear Sal,

First and foremost; I think that I’m in love with you. You are one of the most hilarious guys I have been watching lately. I would love to actually meet you one day. I am a huge fan of you and your bro’s: Q, Joe and Murr. I feel so horrible that I missed you guys when you were in Detroit. I am still a die-hard fan, though. I have a coffee mug with your name on it! Next to my big, blue owl one, yours is my next mostly used one. I watch “Impractical Jokers” every chance I can get. I check my program listings to see whenever it’s on. Then, I always get drawn into your deep blue eyes and can’t stop staring at your big, juicy lips. I would road trip to New York City if you ever wanted to meet for coffee sometime. Maybe? It would only take me 9 and a half hours. I remember the first time I laid my eyes on you. Your show was giving us fans a preview of some sort on TBS. I believe this was before it started tuning into TruTV. You were on for a whole week the hour before my Conan, so of course I was going to be watching you guys. I immediately fell in love with the group. And after watching a few more episodes, there was something about you that made me feel like I am on the correct path in my life. The right path towards you. And this is what drinks are for! So, Sal, the next time you’re in the Detroit area, we should really meet. Hopefully. I am one of your biggest fans, after all.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

PS

Sorry if I came off too “teenybopper”.  I tend to do that sometimes.

Sal

– Germany, 1930; Lili Elbe was the first know recipient of transgender surgery. Sadly, though, she died three months after.

– Christine Jorgensen, 1952; underwent transgender surgery.

– The first male-to-female surgery in the United States took place in 1966 at John Hopkins.

So, what does this all have to do with Bruce – sorry – CAITLYNN Jenner? She has had this same type of surgery. She has been able to make herself a real person. But, I suppose, in order to make her life easier, she has needed to shove all of it into America’s face every minute of every day for these past six months. Well thank you for trying to make it seem that you are the first and only person in this world who has had the balls to open this door in their life. Well, I’m sorry ma’am. You are way behind the times, so please, there are far more important issues to be dealing with.

imagesTIV8W4GN

If you begin typing into your Google search engine, it starts to throw out to you some ideas of what you might be looking for, to help you find it a little faster. You begin to type in the object and immediately, Kim Kardashian’s name pops up. But how really important is this news that I must take the busy time out of my overly empty day to read about her trash? Russel Simmons apparently thinks she’d be a better president than Donald Trump. She also made NPR listeners of “Wait, Wait” hate and dis the show just for having her as a guest. She made the listeners write in, telling the show their likes and respect for them has gone down. I can also see that now how she dresses during her pregnancy, that was also announced the day after it happened, is going to be thrown into our faces every five minutes. Not to mention, I do not understand why she feels the need to wear five inch heels when she reaches her nine month period? Searching through my Google again, I can see that is has been 45 whole minutes since they have posted a new article about her today. They really need to get with the times. If her just sitting on the toilet like a standard, normal person isn’t posted every five minutes, then our world just might be coming to an end. So please, media, shove her into my face some more!

00360c136b1e9c7afc73eb0573baa131 (2)

I have my up and down days.  We all do.  But even on my down days, I just have to give myself a quick glimpse in the mirror and think this.  As cocky as this sounds, I know that I can be awesome, granny pajama pants and everything else.

75b425765f2dfeb406eff469818ad113

I try to look on the upside a lot.  It can be hard in my oh, so pessimistic family.  Yet, when I walk into the room and throw handfuls of glitter into every corner, our days always seem to brighten up.

20675a5bde9c8f58432f2b637daab176

Dogs make me smile.  Cats do, too.  They can do any spontaneous thing and anyone would be cracking up, even on their lowest days.  I could just be sitting on my couch, trying to cheer myself up with my television, then my dog walks into the room and just places herself onto my lap.  My glooms immediately begin to leave me.

ae549f7f79c1b163a0b6d53a5d5b6cb7

This is also the perks of having a good mirror.  I am never ashamed to shake what my mother has given me.  On my random karaoke nights, I also like to get up on the stage and sing about the beauty that is my booty.

11084471_10204891251455675_588572588_n

I never like to gloat.  But I do like to express in some way how much I feel that my talent is improving.   Whenever I have a new project, excitement begins to fill me.  I can never wait to pick out the colors, or begin the cutting of the glass.  It feels like so much more than just a hobby.  When my projects are finished, I feel like I finally have a talent, one thing in life that I am actually good at.

16383_10203514792725067_7772177751333281649_n (2)

Thelma is the first face that you see when you walk through the door.  She always runs to the door as soon as she can hear a key.  She rushes over and grabs the first toy she sees, then trots over just to say hello.  And she must say it to every person who is coming in.  When it’s time for relaxation, and late night television shows, she always find a way to snuggle as close as she can to you, if there’s no room on your lap of course.

be4b12a474318b0e40f742389ccfa435

I love Sal Vulcano like I was in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas in my junior high years.  When his show is on, I am drawn into his eyes, his humor, him.  I know that one day, we will be together.  I can feel it.

imagesC74E49QM

When I sing anywhere, I am performing.  This is why my new favorite group of friends is my karaoke group.  When I get up on that stage, I rap because I am the best old school, black man the world will ever see.

me 3

I make me happy.  I may never seem happy, but there is some of it deep down inside me, trying to constantly claw its way out of me.  This helps to make me happy.  Writing makes me happy.  Singing makes me happy. Complaining even makes me happy.

Savannah

She makes me happy. Friday is my new favorite day of the week.  They are my Savannah Day’s.  I get to spend the whole day with her, every week.  She is teaching me so many new things in life.  Me, the grown up.  But you can learn a lot from a two year old.  Plus, she really does give the best hugs.

Dear future husband, here is a few things you’ll need to know if you want to be the one and only call in my life. Never forget flowers for every anniversary. Don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies. I never learned to cook. If you want to get that special loving, always tell me I’m beautiful each and every night.

0e6b2d42396c7d07313eff417160d1a6

I know that loving can hurt sometimes, but I swear that it gets easier. We made these memories for ourselves. I know I won’t ever be alone once I have met you

tumblr_macu2vlopR1ryzrh1o1_500

I need your loving. I have to get one little taste of your sugar. When I’m without you, I feel so insecure. I won’t let somebody touch it, unless that somebody’s you.

hqdefault (2)

It’s like everything you said is a sweat revelation. All I want do is get into your head, I don’t know why. I really, really like you. I’m running out of time, going out of my mind. I need to tell you something, yeah I need to tell you something.

imagesZNPYHU49

Give me one good reason why I should never make a change. But for you, I’d leave it all. My friends and family they just don’t understand.

1280x720-Olw

And also to make sure that you know that I do, at times, like big butts and I cannot lie. I know that you other brothers can’t deny. I have seen them dancing, to hell with romancing. I’m tired of magazines, saying flat butts are the things. We all know that they never will be. My anaconda will never want any of you unless you got buns, hun.

keep-calm-cause-baby-got-back

I Feel Like I Cannot…

Sing…but I’m not afraid to belt it all out. One of my favorite, seemingly monthly gatherings always involves karaoke. I get up on that stage and I sing those songs as loud as I can. I don’t care how horrible I may be, because to me, I’m the best voice there ever was.

imagesC74E49QM

I feel like I cannot…

Dance…but I’m not afraid to drop it like it’s hot. Every time I hear any song that I feel is right for me, I know that it’s telling me to shake what my mama gave me. I shake my bootie with pride. I may not have any other form of rhythm in me, but I will always have a whole lot of shaking going on.

images (3)

I feel like I cannot…

Be a parent…but I’m still planning my future. I still give my niece the biggest, longest hugs she’ll let me. I look forward to Fridays because I know that’s my day I get to spend with her. I get to watch her grow, teach her new things. Even though I’m nowhere near that point on my road in life, I still make a list of baby names. I still look around the baby departments whenever I’m in the store. I know that it will happen one day.

untitled (19)

I feel like I cannot…

Be happy…but I still keep a smile on my face. I crack a joke every now and again. I try to take out my stress and depressions in this form that your eyes are upon. And it works, most of the time.

untitled (20)

10:41 am; I took a picture of my new favorite Starbucks flavor: S’mores Frappuccino. And I never get a Frappuccino. I always get a latte. I had to send this new, great news in my life to the only person that I knew would care, my sister. I set up the right angle to take a picture of this delicious coffee, snapped it and sent away. I sit here, 15 minutes later with no response. Apparently, she doesn’t care what I have to say about the coffee that she works with all day, every day.

cat

I’m also waiting to see if she cares about my opinion on a new television serious she was asking the world of Facebook to begin watching the other night. I posted on her page, not expecting mine to be picked out at random, since she commented to no person. But when I take the time out of my overly busy schedule just to send a suggestion to her personally that could change the path of her life and I get nothing, it cuts me real deep.

She is not the only person I sit and wait, hour after hour, day after day for an answer from; Aman-DUH. A simple yes or no response would be nice once in a while when I ask you “How you doin?” I know you have nice thumbs. Or so I’ve heard.

Is it also wrong that I’m waiting for my crush to break up with his current girlfriend? Sure, sure, they look so happy whenever I’m witnessing them together, but I still think my hand would fit better inside his. I would look so much better sitting next to him. It happens every time, though. Just as I start to like a guy, BAM! He gets a girlfriend. Or as soon as I see a guy and the thoughts that he is the best looking guy in the room BOOM! A girl shows up out of nowhere and attaches herself to his hand.   That penny I threw in the wishing well, it will work.

dear cupid

8:38 am on a Thursday morning. South bound I-75 is backed up from the down town Detroit direction, all the way up to the I-696 interchange. The birds are out having their loud, cheerful sounding conversation. My sister has already been serving coffee since the brighter hours of 6am, when all of the regulars are beginning their standard work days. Yet, here I sit on my living room floor watching Strawberry Shortcake as 9am approaches.

d384d95949955c16abd778e8e3f5a47c

The main piece of the puzzle missing in my life, that I will for sure find one of these days is a job. This is a big change that I need. It’s more of a fix than a change, though. A major fix. It is one thing that I have been needing for what feels like my entire life. I’ve lost count of the interviews I have had from the over 500 attempts for one. Your couch is only comfortable for so long.  After three years, I’m sure none of you would even want to own one or a television anymore.  This what makes me now feel like an addict to 7-11. But, after all of these tries and no rewards, I almost do not even want to press on anymore.

The tiniest irritations that seem to be happening with me on what looks like everyday makes me feel that I’m going down the aggravating path in life. Every day, it appears there is always one thing that can push my buttons and make me want to explode, screaming as loud as possible into my pillows. I try to deter from them all of the time, but I’m always pulled into something, somehow. I have a person accidently cut in front of me in line, so I begin to cuss every word I know to them in my head as my eyes and eyebrows are now glaring every piece of irritation in my body at the back of their head. The same always happens if a person were to not show me the standard polite hand gestured thank you when driving down the road, after I had politely let them over into my lane. If I was to let you over; please remember your manners.

But, this piece of my life I will work to mend. I do need to work hard and control how too easily upset I get over the tiniest things. I believe if I was just able to take a deep breath, close my eyes and count to five, I could just continue on with what I was doing, focus on the many more important goings on.

3446d25cc7de50e1ebf79512a658b3e0

I keep saying this, but I would for sure change the road in life that I feel I am stuck on. I want to change this single and living with my parent’s portion of it. I want to be married with my children. I feel like I have been working hard on that portion. I know, I know; you don’t need to look, he will find you, blah blah, bs, bs is all that I hear. It’s not that easy for me as it seemed to be for some of you, the happily married with three children ones. I have had my nose to the ground, my eyes open and searching yet I have obviously come up with no person. So I have given up on my search. I just sit and wait for my Romeo to come find me.

I would change so much more, I feel I am almost at my half-way point in life and I have accomplished nothing. Maybe the car I’m in on this road in life just has a flat tire, and I have yet to get out and change it.

495c0dda396c583aa08d660a4957e97c

8:38 am on a Thursday morning. South bound I-75 is backed up from the down town Detroit direction, all the way up to the I-696 interchange. The birds are out having their loud, cheerful sounding conversation. My sister has already been serving coffee since the brighter hours of 6am, when all of the regulars are beginning their standard work days. Yet, here I sit on my living room floor watching Strawberry Shortcake as 9am approaches.

d384d95949955c16abd778e8e3f5a47c

The main piece of the puzzle missing in my life that I will for sure find one of these days is a job. This is a big change that I need. It’s more of a fix than a change, though. A major fix. It is one thing that I have been needing for what feels like my entire life. I’ve lost count of the interviews I have had from the over 500 attempts for one. But I press on.

The tiniest irritations that seem to be happening with me on what looks like everyday makes me feel that I’m going down the aggravating path in life. Every day, it appears there is always one thing that can push my buttons and make me want to explode, screaming as loud as possible into my pillows. I try to deter from them all of the time, but I’m always pulled into something, somehow. I have a person accidently cut in front of me in line, so I begin to cuss every word I know to them in my head as my eyes and eyebrows are now glaring every piece of irritation in my body at the back of their head. The same always happens if a person were to not show me the standard polite hand gestured thank you when driving down the road, after I had politely let them over into my lane. If I was to let you over; please remember your manners.

But, this piece of my life I will work on to mend. I do need to work hard and control how too easily upset I get over the tiniest things. I believe if I was just able to take a deep breath, close my eyes and count to five, I could just continue on with what I was doing, focus on the many more important going on’s.

I keep saying this, but I would for sure change the road in life that I feel I am stuck on. I want to change this single and living with my parent’s portion of it. I want to be married with my children. I feel like I have been working hard on that portion. I know, I know; you don’t need to look, he will find you, blah blah, bs, bs is all that I hear. It’s not that easy for me as it seemed to be for some of you, the happily married with three children ones. I have had my nose to the ground, my eyes open and searching and I have obviously come up with no person. So I have given up on my search, I just sit and wait for my Romeo to come find me.

I would change so much more, I feel I am almost at my half-way point and I have accomplished nothing. Maybe the car I’m in on this road in life just has a flat tire, and I have yet to get out and change it.

3446d25cc7de50e1ebf79512a658b3e0

Tag Cloud

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 137 other followers