This is a point in my life that I feel like two pieces are missing: my person and the little person that the two of us together would have created. I feel that I am behind on what is a race in life. Facebook is no help, since photo after photo of wedding upon wedding and baby plus baby is added day after day. I have nothing but love and support for all that have this happiness coming into their lives. I just feel, at times, that I have nothing. When I’m on my couch every day, my eyes upon my television, I just continue to wonder, “What am I doing?” I try to make a list of things to do, but then the minutes pass, an hour goes by and nothing is accomplished.
So I was asked to sit down and tell all ten things that make me happy. This turned out to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I thought there was a lot in this world that put this occasional smile on my face, but there apparently is not. I thought I was at the brighter side of the road in my life. Seemingly, I appear to not be.
When I take out my pen and reach for my notebook, the smile appears on my face. I begin to write out all the anger or tears that are inside my head, I search for the best way to put these thoughts out so that it can be seen in the best way possible. Since these are thoughts from my mind, everyone must think they are the coolest thing in this world.
I feel the need to go to 7-11 every day. It’s like a Star Bucks to me. Going there, I always get my fountain cola, something I feel is my one addiction, the one thing in this world that I cannot live without. On my down days, though, I go towards their second isle and begin to span my eyes around the shelves. As soon as they hit the chocolate Hershey bar, my hands zoom in and I hurry to the counter. Once I’m in my car, I unwrap the bar, break off the first corner and place it between my teeth. As soon as the chocolate begins to melt in my mouth, a smile slowly begins to stretch across my face. This not only melts in my mouth, but I can feel it start to melt in my heart.
The one thing I hate about winter is that I always have to wear shoes. I hate shoes. Don’t get me wrong; I love shoes. But I love flip-flops even more. When that snow melts, and my sweaters are gone, my flip-flops are on. These shoes make me smile as soon as that sun is shining in the morning. I am the type that can never have more than three pairs. I have the plain pair, the beach pair, the dressy pair, the who cares pair. I could see two of the exact pair in two different colors but I would still buy both of them.
I have never been good at painting my nails. I seem to get more on my skin than anywhere. I have also tried to do my own eyebrows many times and wound up with a really nice one, then a really tiny, thin one. So this is when I discovered my nail salon. My nice, little Korean ladies have done their magic on me so many times. The magic they have achieved on my toes is amazing. Plus, what they manage to do with the horror that I had done to my eyebrows, makes them look magical. When that mirror is given to me to see the art that I feel like my face has now become, I feel my smile spreading through my face. I know that I am now beautiful.
I’m realizing now how truly happy a happy meal is. The little toy that my niece receives I can see how excited she is when she sees them. Her little hands begin to tear at the plastic, but then realizing that it’s just a little too difficult for her tiny fingers, she tosses it over to me and asks me to open it for her. I begin to tear at her new little fun, also having some difficulty, but I finally get it open. I hand her over her new little toy, and for about ten minutes, she is entertained. This is a two years old, a person whose attention span disappears within seconds. After she is finished with her little toy, though, I reach over and begin to fiddle around with it. I pull back on it and watch it as it rolls in circles around my table. I pull it back again, watch it once more. Each time I pull it back, I can feel a small smile on my face. Happy meal toys seem to not only be for children, it appears.
Each time I’m in my car, I search through my radio, hunting for my perfect song. When I find it, the volume is turned up so that I can start to pump it out as loud I can. I sing this song, word for word (hopefully) as I continue down the road. I try to dance the best way possible, since I am a little strapped in. This is my time to shine for the world, my world. My smile is there, until the very end.
I can hear this noise as I’m putting my key in the door. It’s almost like there’s something on the other side. Something is scratchy, in a way. I’m feeling rushed to get inside, I didn’t know we all had to rush in our lives. Then again, as soon as I open that door, I am jumped upon with what feels like all of the love that is available in this world: my dog. Her jumps to get to my face so she can cover my with all of her slobber cannot seem to happen fast enough. I cannot get down to the floor quickly enough for her. My hands rub as much of her as they can as her little nubby tail wags as fast as it can. The more kisses I receive, the bigger my smile becomes.
I had my own house at one time. I loved it. Yet, I felt so alone. I felt myself wandering back to where I felt I belonged. I would drift back towards where I had spent many years, my whole life even. I would be roaming on back to my parent’s house. I love them. I see my mom, I feel like all of my problems are solved. I feel like I have my best friend. When I see my dad, I know that I will always have a smile on my face. They both always make sure that that never goes away.
I feel that I get to share with my little “Banana” one thing: we’re both the first grandkids on both sides. She’s my first niece. She’s my little sunshine. She can’t wrap her arms completely around me, nevertheless she does give the best hugs. Who knew that such complicated problems could be solved by a two year old? The moment she walks in the door, my smile can’t get any bigger.
My top ten of happiness turns out to only nine. Thinking of ten in this world that make me happy is a little harder than I thought. Nonetheless, these are all that I need.