A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when I grow old. Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and free. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete.
I really don’t think I can say this enough, but I love you. I still have no idea why. I know that I love talking with you for what feels like forever, every day, always about nothing. I love lying next to you at night, helping to put you to sleep. I love just looking into your pale, blue eyes. Yet, I sometimes still feel like I don’t know anything about you. I know your middle name. I know when your birthday is, I think, June 29th. You are a Cancer, so I know that we are zodiac signs compatible.
The picture that you sent me the other day is what made me realize how much I really love you. I mean, come on, I just moved 3,000 miles across the country with you! We were barely starting to live together, I was just beginning to realize what you were really like and I still dropped everything and came to the casino capital of the country. I left my family and friends for you, thinking this would push us closer to certain new, obvious doors. So far, though, I feel like I’m being pushed away.
Since we have moved here, one year ago, I have already been back to the Great Lakes twice. One reason, you did come along, holding my hands and heart the whole time at the funeral, but then you returned home for work and let me stay for another week to be with my family. We did talk every day, many times, discussing how much we missed each other, you telling me how much you couldn’t wait until I returned. You even bumped my ticket up to first class, letting me fly home like you had. When I returned, though, my pants still remained on and we just continued our arguments about how I apparently contribute to nothing lately.
When I looked at this certain picture, looked at your smile, I could feel my smile creeping its way onto my face. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks beginning as I looked into your light, blue eyes, almost as if you were really in the room with me. My stomach was filling with the same chills that it had filled with the first night that I felt a foot punting me in my behind; when I turned around, it was you, introducing yourself to me on our very first date. Oh, such a gentleman you were.
I sometimes sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you are finally able to admit these days. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank. I just wonder when we can venture down this road, another topic I have to bring up
When those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, when that time in our life is trying to be discussed, you sink back into your dungeons and dragons. After one of us grumbles something at the other, I then listen to you drone on for twenty minutes at your highest level possible about whatever was accidentally said, we separate into our own rooms. It’s always about money lately, a typical couple’s argument. I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on, one that I apparently never contribute anything towards. But, I will turn my ears off if you’re just going to sit there and basically tell me how worthless I am.
It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That’s where your heart is. My heart that I am willing to devote towards you. I know that life is tough, but darling, I know that you are as well. Maybe we just need to let shit go and start over. Just try to erase all what we were talking about today, as hard as I know that will be for you. You can’t let one tiny little dust particle that upsets you off your mind for two hours. Besides, I need to listen to you drone on about it, complaint after complaint. Then, I sit and I listen, because I love you.
I sometimes believe that you are the definition of negative. At times, I have a difficult time not falling off of my positive path. Nevertheless, when I sit and listen to you complain about one small thing that has made you upset for a half-hour, it does bring me down a little. So, find a way to uplift my spirit!
I know that I can make you smile. I leave you alone when you come home from work. I do welcome you home with my hugs of love, I can never stop wrapping my arms around you. I learn that you have a lot of fun when we go see our Elvis on Friday nights. We get to have a good time with the ladies that you work with, not to mention I get to gaze upon the glory of my new teen-crush (I love you more.) Yet, as soon as his last words are singing, your grey cloud returns and I do not know which path we are supposed to continue on for the evening to make your adorable smile continue.
Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.