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My First True Love

I was 13 years old when I found my first love. In 1998, I was first starting to develop my feelings for him, he was 16. His blue eyes, blonde hair were the first things that I was drawn into. It was when he started speaking, his soft, raspy style voice, I began to melt like butter. I knew I was in love.

I never knew if I would see him, again, after the first time. Then, one day, when walking through my grocery store with my mom, something off to my right suddenly drew my attention: the latest issue of “Tiger Beat”. He was right there on the cover; Johnathan Taylor Thomas. I knew then that we were meant to be.

After that day, my walls became covered in him. His picture was in every corner. I needed his face to greet me as soon as my eyes opened in the morning. The love I knew that I was meant to be with was the first face that I needed to lay my eyes upon every day.

One afternoon, after reading the twentieth article about him, I suddenly felt that there was a need for my feelings for him to be known. He needed to know what was in my heart. The only way for us to be with each other, was for me to come forward.

I had never told anyone how I had felt. I didn’t know how. I was only 13 after all. I began searching through my magazines, in the hopes that they could help, but they seemed to be useless. Just picture, after picture of my favorite famous guy. So I decided to wing-it.

I sat down on my bed to try to clear my mind. How do you tell someone famous that you love them? I think I even wanted to ask him to go to my dance that was approaching with me. I knew that he would go. We were meant to be with each other. I could feel it. There was a little pit in my stomach that was telling me that he was my lobster. Not that I knew what that was at the time, but I still could feel that we were two people put on this Earth meant to find each other and be together forever.

I tried to write in my neatest writing. I wanted to come off as best as I could. I know I remember starting out with a simple hello and asking him how he was doing. I told him how much I loved him in “Home Improvement” and “The Santa Clause”. I wrote in that “Man of the House” was my all-time favorite movie. Then I got down to the point. I finally told him how cute I thought he was. I believe I even told him how nice his eyes were. Then, I know for sure I asked him to my schools upcoming dance. It would be the happiest day of my life if he would go with me.

Looking over my letter, I could feel the smile on my face. I knew he would read over this and feel his heart skip a beat. I knew for sure I would have the best date to my schools dance, too. Now I just had to wait for him to respond.

And I waited. And waited. And waited. And I waited some more. Three months later, I thought maybe it had gotten lost in the mail. I was getting worried. I was beginning to think that he had never gotten it. Then, one day, I finally got a response.

A letter from him arrived. In the envelope, there was also a picture of him. I started to get excited, because I didn’t even ask for a picture. But then I read his letter:

Hey Stephanie,

Thanks for writing me. It’s so great to hear from you. My birthday is September 8th. I was the voice of Simba in “The Lion King”, thank you for that. My favorite color is blue. I really so enjoy playing baseball in my off time. Thanks again for writing me.

So that was it? Standard fan mail letter? It made me even wonder if he had read what I had put all of my emotion into. Suddenly, I could feel what in my heart for him leaving me. We were done. Over. I know I didn’t love him anymore.  Yet, sometimes, when I come across his face online, I can still feel my heart skip a beat.

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The Pisces

Pisces, the sign of the fish, a selfless, spiritual sign of the zodiac.  She has an ideal notion of how things should be, which can at times, leave her delusional or lost.  She can also have a difficult time differentiating between fantasy and the real world.  During her hard days, she can be torn between seeking the light or if she is supposed to sink further into the darkness.  When she is not heard from, she can lapse into melancholy.  Her more pessimistic life can lead to more procrastination and lethargy.  She can be impractical and uncomfortable while having to deal with the real world.  She most rarely opens up to any others on a more personal basis.   When she becomes overwhelmed in life, she is likely to flee and hide.  The weaker Pisces are more likely to immerse themselves in a life of drugs or alcohol.  Though she may get easily confused and can hardly get things done, she is the most unselfish in this family.  She can be a very well known and is liked for her generous, compassionate nature.  Always in her life she has found it hard to adhere to any strict rules.  This could all be because she is too stubborn and independent to BE dependent on anyone else.The  smarter Pisces let their emotions out in a creative, artistic way.

Whenever she is in love, the more caring and romantic side of her is turned on.  She also has a thirst for a fairytale ending with life. At times, strictly because she feels like she needs a partner, she will feel strongly attracted to the one with any good looking, unintelligent ones.

I do feel like I am always lost on this road in my life.  I try to look on the brighter side, at times, but I’m usually just looking at what could go wrong with something in multiple ways.  I may get that portion from my dad, though.  I never do want to talk about what I have to do with anything on this Earth.  There is no denying that I am the more confused person around, either.  I also find it inside me all the time to find a way to help everyone whenever I can. I want everyone to be happy.  Everyone wants everything in life to be their way.  But I want it to be my way, way more than yours.  The way I let my emotions out for the world to see have been in this form, more, lately.  I know that I have a very spiritual side to me, at times, too.  I do go to a psychic fair as often as I can.

When it come to my life and love, I wouldn’t mind being the princess that finds her prince in the most romantic of ways.

I wouldn’t say that I don’t open up to people.  On the contrary, I’m usually the person who has to tell the world what my problems are.  Every person must know what is wrong with me.

“This time is filled with stimulating discussions about controversial topics, unusual or offbeat ideas, or .”crazy” schemes. The tempo of your life increases and may leave you feeling frazzled. Because you are quite restless, you may do or say things in haste that you will regret later. This is a busy time with lots of communicating and getting in touch with others being the likely scenario for the day. Numerous phone calls, emails, meetings, errands, or discussions bring you into contact with others. This is a good time to brainstorm with someone you really care about and share ideas for future goals.”

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Inspiration in my life is something that I’m always looking for. I feel that I’m on a path that keeps twisting and turning, leading me to nowhere. My own fault, though. I just keep giving up on everything. But I have a big bolt of inspiration around me constantly. Two actually.

One came into this world way back in the days. The year was 1955. Yes, he graced the times that far back, way back in our mid-1900. The month of July was the celebration of our nation’s independence. And on this 20th day, along with it being International Chess Day, my father came into this world, making this an even greater day. Without him, I would not be here.

Of course, it always takes two to make one greatness. August 26th, 1958, one beautiful butterfly began to fly. This helped to bring my mother into this world, making it even better, for she was the other contribution to making me. She is also the other half of this happiness in the world.

I wake up every morning as the grumpy dwarf. I’m hating the world, believing that there are only grey clouds out in the sky. As I’m heading down my stairs, just to check the mail, even though I know I didn’t receive any, I begin to hear all the humor that my father is filled with. He, being the one that keeps the TV at the highest volume, can hear me stomping down the stairs. As soon as I enter the room, he shoots his sarcasm at me, sensing that I’m in my lower stages. He’s the type that won’t let me leave the room until he sees a smile.

After I have cracked up at the lamest, corniest jokes in this world, and he lets me finally escape his dry humor, I escape up the stairs back into my hole. Nonetheless as soon as I get on to my couch, I’ve found another problem with something, so I have to call my mom even while she’s at work to help me resolve even my tiniest problem in this world. She’s the one I run to with everything. If it involves a hammer and nails, with that I turn to daddy. But, my mom helps me through everything else. She’s my tape and glue holding me together.

These are my two inspirations in life.   With all my mom is having to deal with at this point in life, yet she can still get out of bed every day, helps me to get out of bed every day. Then, with all the dilemmas with my dad, he puts his two feet on the ground, these are my two.

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Ten Years From Now

Ten years from now, I will be 41.  This age seems to be approaching faster each time I turn around. I have also thought by now, that since being 31, I would already be married and have my first two children.  Then when 41, I would have had my final two added. My whoever and I would be happy in beautiful in Saint Clair Shores with our four children.  I wouldn’t even care if I had all girls or all boys, or two from both sides.  I would just have my children.  I would happily be assisting a lawyer with their paper work every day.

At the end of each day, I will arrive home, happily greeted by my tall, auburn haired husband and children. I will, in ten years, be a way better cook, since I will actually know how to cook something, as opposed to now, when I do not.  These days, I know how to cook waffles, in the toaster.

This is all where I WANT to be ten years from now. Where do I ACTUALLY see myself? On this exact same couch, still located in my parent’s home. I have no reason to get off, no child to hold, no man to wrap my arms around. How optimistic am I?

I do get out of my bed every day, though, preparing to watch all of the same legal shows I watch everyday.  I put on my pants and clean underwear,   I do need pants to walk into my 7-11, after all.

Ten years from now, I want to be done doing more. I want to be off of this road in my life, traveling on a whole new path. I would like to be done hunting like a blood hound, with my nose on the road, sniffing around for all that I feel I am without.  I feel that I am stuck at this dead end

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I Think I Can

I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow, so why would I even know what I would want to be doing 30 days from now? I do not set goals for myself anymore. I never seem to achieve them. It’s my own fault. I would write them down, do whatever I had set for myself for a week and then – nothing. I’m sure we’re all like that, at times.

One goal that I need for myself is to go out into this sunshine that is finally here, after those long snowy months. There are these lovelier days that I have been hearing of. Today was so warm and bright that I did choose to actually go out to more than just my 7-11. I took my little dog for a walk, even though her twenty pounds walked me more than anything.

I tell myself every morning to make this a habit, make this my first task. I know that Thelma would not object. But I never do. I just eat my chocolate chipped waffles then begin my day of computering and watching TV. Before any of this, I could have already been sucked into the great outdoors, yet I was sucked into the great court shows. I let my puppy down.

I also need to leave my couch because these judge shows can be too distracting when I am trying to release the real inner me. This inner me is who I need when I’m trying to write, another goal for these 30 days. I have found myself another “30 Day Writing Challenge”, which just gives me a good excuse to go to Starbucks every morning.

This fourth dating site I am attempting has given me a third goal: call this David guy. I don’t know why I haven’t yet. I am the type that usually throws the “likes” or begins the conversations with the guy. I have no problem leaving my number with a good looking bartender, yet there is something about this David that I am already feeling like a rosy cheeked 13 year old trying to talk to her crush.

If my couch were not so comfortable, and I had the balls to message the number I was given, then my goals would be achieved by weeks end. But, alas, I seem to have left them somewhere. So I will just sing along with the radio.

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One person has a beer. Another might have chocolate. My one addiction is Pinterest. I cannot go a single day without viewing this page. I must search through it for nothing I will ever use. The one thing I always need to find is my laughter. I’m looking at “My Humors” folder right now. I apparently have found only 541 items funny, so far. This just means I need to hunt more! I need to open up my sense of humor, make it broader and let the gates of laughs ready to flow.

I know my sense of humor has finally found its love. One night, while channel surfing, I stumble upon a new television show, with a group of guys playing pranks of each other. My eyes then fall upon the one, Sal Vulcano. Sure, his friends aren’t that bad looking either, but there was something about his eyes that drew me in. The show that his group, The Tenderloins, were partaking in was just laugh out loud hilarious. Even at their adult ages, these best friends could embarrass each other, but still give each other a hug at the end of the day.

I met this guy one day. School had started a few weeks before, so I was already into my daily routine. I was used to everything that the teacher was subjecting us to every week. I also believe she wasn’t one of my favorite people to have to see every day, but it was only fourth grade, so I was stuck with her all year. There was this one kid, though, who was sitting near me that was seeming to stick out in my mind. I could tell that he was new, not having seen him last year. I started talking to him, realizing he only lived a few blocks from me. The more I talked to him, the more I couldn’t stop giggling. This eight-year-old dude could make me laugh my ass off, not that it was that difficult back them. But Erik was already that good. And for the next 20 years, I know who I could always turn to him when I needed more than a smile.

31 years is a long time to have continuous laughter. But, when you have a father like mine, a day never goes by without a single douse of humor. He always knows how to brighten a cloudy day. Whenever my world is on the low, he brings out the sun by throwing the funnier side on whatever issues I feel the need to blow out of proportion. Now I know what portion of the family where my wit comes from. That’s my dad.

I need to improve on numerous issues in my life. I will never be perfect. I may put on the act that I am, but I am not. If you were to use me as a map, there would be a lot of rounded, bumpy roads. You would need to start at my southwest ankle, and begin your journey up my left leg. As you’re approaching my hips, you would be going further and further west, to make a big round trip to be over my hip. Driving along the northern me, you come to another curve, where my mid-section makes itself. After your car survives the mountainous gaps of fat that is my stomach roads, you continue to my shoulder without any problems. Driving the short path that my neck is is also not a difficult road, giving you a quick approach to round my left ear. You are about to begin your drive through another bumpy, broken road, though. My head can resemble our Michigan roads; uneven, with a left looking like a right and a lot of needed construction. When making your way towards the center, your half-way point around me, you’re almost realizing that you should have chosen a vehicle with four- wheel drive. You finally make your way across my mind, but must now begin your decent south. Your voyage down my southeast region will really be no different than my northwestern: smooth roads with many curves.

I never give up telling the world how awesome I am. Whatever, though. I know that I can find myself near the definition in the dictionary. Awesome does end in me, after all. A coincidence? I think not. I’m always thinking that there is nothing more awesome in this world than me, not to sound cocky. I just don’t care sometimes. My life can be filled with anything and everything whenever I want. I know I’m not always on top of my mark, but when I am, oh yeah. I walk into the room, my head held high, with eyes all upon me, and I know that everyone is wishing that they could be as awesome as me. A little bit here, a tiny be there and the rest of whatever I’m doing can all come into place.

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  1. I was born February 22, 1984.
  2. I have the most awesome parents in the entire world.
  3. I have one sister.  She’s awesome, too (most of the time.)
  4. My little niece and I will always get to share that we are the first born children for our families on both sides.
  5. My favorite color is purple.  All color purples, not a specific type, ALL purples.
  6. I love sweaters so much that I wish I could wear them in the summer.
  7. I love flip-flips so much that I wish I could wear those in the winter.
  8. I own a house, but I still live with my parents.
  9. I wake up every day at 8am, then go right back to bed.
  10. I have applied to 956 jobs, for many different companies.  I’ve had countless interviews, but obviously no success.
  11. My favorite city that I have visited, so far, has been Seattle. It didn’t rain a single day that I was there, though.
  12. I sometimes like starting “debates” while in conversation with people.
  13. Writing is seeming to become more than just a hobby to me.
  14. I know that I am my niece’s favorite aunt, being her only one.
  15. I go to 7-11 once a day.  Not always the same one, though. I have four of my favorite ones.
  16. I have not been employed in three years.
  17. I cannot do my eyebrows properly, so I have my regular place that seems to know what I need done  as soon as I walk-in do them for me.
  18. I feel the need to play with my toenails every day.  I need to make sure they’re clean and clipped properly.
  19. I take medications every day: four once per day, two twice per day, and one three times per day.
  20. I already have my wedding planned, I just seem to be missing one thing…
  21. I still have the doubts in myself that I will ever be good at my stained glass. I know I can still learn a lot, but I still have my doubts.
  22. I need to keep a clock in every room.  What if I’m in the bathroom, running late but stuck on the toilet, how am I supposed to know how much more time I have?
  23. History was my favorite subject in school.  I still love it to this day.  The Civil War to World War II era is my favorite to read, watch, and learn anything new about.
  24. My favorite number is the number “4”.  I know that with it, I can always be happy or win something big.
  25. I have a chair in the corner of my living room that I never sit in.  My white chair with dark pink and some light purple flowers wrapped in thick black lines is for viewing purposes only.
  26. Owls seem to be my main form of decoration these days.
  27. The Barenaked Ladies are my all-time favorite band.  When they’re on the radio; I sing.  When my CD player in my car decides to work; I sing.
  28. I’m beginning to fall in love with The Tenderloins.  They’re my new favorite comedic group.
  29. I need to check my email and Facebook at the same time.  Thank goodness for laptops and cell phones these days.
  30. My favorite form of relaxation is knitting.  I haven’t ever knitted a blanket or scarf, though.  I just have piles of colorful yarn that, maybe, when sewn together could one day make an odd looking blanket.

Am I a Pisces?

The Pisces is said to be as be a very understanding individual. They are affectionate, accepting of others around them. I can have my days where I have no idea what you are talking about, but I really do want to be here for you. My mind likes to have its own issues, no matter how hard I try to control it. I do love everyone, no matter how much they’re irritating me. If you are aggravating me, I will just take a deep breathe, exhale and imagine myself punching you in the face. Then I will just welcome you into my life and immediately start to plan our next twelve years of friendship.

Their strengths are being intuitive, artistic and musical, compassionate. These are all me. When the radio is on, I pretend that I have the greatest voice in this world. Our American Idol needs to watch out, because I will be the next Kelley Clarkston. I can feel it. Along with her, I also know, that even though I am not always coloring inside the lines, neither did Picasso. Look where that got him. When needs for my little furry critters is required, then that is when I begin to put my good heart into the cause.

Their weaknesses can be that they are overly trusting, they can be sad and fearful, with a desire to escape reality. Again; all me. I never want to be “here”. I want to be in my own little world. I never want to be in this real world because I never feel that there is a reason to put a smile on my face. When it comes to new people, I immediately begin to build up all of my trust in them, without even thinking there is anything bad in them. I am willing to give them my life savings if they ask, all $32.76 of it.

The Pisces charismatic marks are said to be soft and their face easily shows their emotions. I want the world to know what I am feeling. If I am happy; you will know. If I am mad; you will know. This face is not plain, she can have the biggest, perkiest smile when you brighten her day then ten minutes later, the scrunchiest, angriest looking black, holed eyes when you anger her.

Pisces likes their time alone. They enjoy romance and music. I may love being in a big group of people, but I always need my alone time. My couch and TV are my best friends. They are actually who I am hanging out with right now. I am the person that sings the loudest and proudest with the radio, regardless if I know the words. The romantic movies are not always my favorite, yet when it comes to the songs that are singing about love, that is where my heart belongs.

The Pisces dislikes the know-it-alls, they do not like being criticized or cruelty of any kind. I have heard some people talking like they are the smartest people in the group. They answer every question that is being asked, sometimes with what they think is THE answer. If a person argues, they counter. These are the types that I will do research on the answer just to prove them wrong. I also feel, that being a Pisces, I don’t like being criticized. If I like my shirt, then I don’t need your opinion about it, unless I ask. I also know that if I could, one day I would have a farm. I would have a farm, so that I could have tons of dogs that need new homes. I would have lots of rescued kitties, some cows that weren’t wanted anymore. Maybe a horse or two that nobody seemed to love. Some chickens that had been saved. I would have as many as I could take care of and I would hug each of them every day.

So does the Pisces, the zodiac sign that I have been told is mine, fit me? I wouldn’t trade it any other way.

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