My Normal Life

A Normal Day For Me

11am

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The first thing I see when my alarm goes off reminds me what I need to tell myself every day. I know this is what I am. No person can tell me what to do with my life. I am not afraid to use these words, as much politeness my loving mother has taught me, if you are trying to pull me down the wrong road in life. I tend to bring out the badass bitch at the wrong times, but maybe she needs to be out. Most of the time, though, the politeness bitch is walking around; holding doors for everyone, allowing elderly to go first, always saying thank you, apologizing even if I didn’t know I needed to. But, alas, you pull my strings the wrong way; look out!

12pm

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I know writing is my path in life. The other side of my road is probably this; making my own jewelry. I have started my own sales on one of my favorite sites, and these are my four newest pieces. Don’t be over surprised if purple is the main color. What I need to cease in at this time is continuing to buy myself more gems, jewels, new things to make until I am able to sell the one’s I’ve made. I should, perhaps, look into a craft show. Although, I need a lot in order to sell a lot.

1pm

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I found Tommy in one of his nesting spots after I had finally ventured out of bed. We should just sign the lease over to him, since thinks he basically owns the place. We have two beds, he think’s they’re both his. Two closets, move one article of clothing, he storms out like you’re disturbing him. If you sit down to use the bathroom, since that’s everyone’s private time, he’ll storm his way in, jump into the show and start beating on the curtain, just to let you know you are supposed to be playing with him now, since the bathroom is his play room apparently. Our laundry room has also become his bathroom, as it’s the only place to put his littler box. So, yes, he’s taking over the world.

2pm

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This another indication of how my little cutie is taking over the world. This had been my favorite chair. I had given it up to him, only because it had started to cave in. The pillow he sits upon is one that I had made for him out of some old shirts I never wear, the owl pillow behind him, is one my grandma Millie had made for me and the other, a big pillow of him, is one I had purchased for him with one of my favorite pictures.  Well, I had purchased it for Brian, who I know loves to cuddle with him more than cuddling with me, but I’m just glad my little kitty loves to sit next to himself. He’s so self-centered.

3pm

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The car was mine now for the day. Brian had come home from work so he had to turn the keys over to me. I could have taken it over at any time, his office is a block away. But I’m patient and I was being lazy. I figured I would go out and hopefully try to chauffer other people around. This is the picture from under our designated parking structure. Our complex is so nicely maintained. So many stones everywhere, all the bushes are well kept, all the trees are well trimmed.  We don’t really have to worry about weeds out here. At least once a week we do have gardeners come out, though. It makes me remember Brian’s previous complex, back in Michigan, that just kept raising his rent, but the complex just kept going down.

4pm

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After sitting home all day, I had yet to eat. I really hadn’t gotten out of bed until noon, since I always stay up so late. 2am is my usual bedtime. I do tuck Brian in at night, though. I wander around our apartment, doing laundry, dishes, keeping our kitty company. I also pick and poke around at Facebook too much. But, when he walks through the door around 2:30, I decide if I want to leave and see the sunshine. If I do, I usually grab a bite to eat then I turn on my Lyft driver app. With this, I become the driver for any needed person. I never know what to talk about, so if they want to, I converse, if not, I try not to look in my rear-view mirror too much at them.

5pm

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7-11 is an everyday must, I never know why. There’s tons of cola in my fridge, yet I always need my fountain type. I sometimes tend to get a chocolate chip cookie as well. I guess it just gives me a chance to still learn the city I feel like I should be accustomed to after almost two years, yet I still have no idea where anything is. I know there’s a casino somewhere.

6pm

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The windy days are easy to see when you gaze upon the palm trees. I am always drawn into them. They cover the city, corner by corner. I don’t think I have to worry about a coconut falling on my head, though. At least I hope so. These are the ones whose leaves I don’t have to rake in September. I’m so used to that time of year. When I do see their leaves on the ground, they’re not the orange or red that I’m so used to; just brown or beige. But man, are they big. A palm leaf seems almost as big as my car.

7pm

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Alcohol brings out the best in all of us. Not always true. At times, it brings out the B in me. As rambunctious that I normally am, I tend to get louder the more I consume, which is not always a good thing, I’m reminded the next day. It marvels me that he can handle me at times.

8pm

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I like that he never smokes in our apartment. He always goes out onto our balcony. While out there, he watches the cars drive by, the people walking down the street, the ambulance that is usually across the street at the retirement home. I always like standing out there with him, sometimes just to be next to him. He usually comes up with some great ideas while he’s out there.

9pm

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Ah, dinner. A big spicy sausage with onions and cheese to eat along with some shrimp. All cooked by Brian. He cooks dinner every night, always without a recipe. We’ve had this sausage a lot lately, but we’ve been in the mood. I think there’s still one in the fridge, left over for his lunch. If I didn’t have him, I’d be ordering pizza, a lot

10pm

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This is my bracelet to let people know if anything is happening to me. I made this one. It has on it my name, who to call, that I am on blood thinners. People can’t see my disability.  I don’t wear a t-shirt, or have it plastered on my face. So, I must wear this, whatever were to happen. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

11pm

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This is our new Alexa. We can call people on her, ask her the weather, directions to a nearby restaurant. She plays music for us, and Brian let me choose the face to be an owl. Since she shows that it’s 11pm, that’s why she’s sleeping. As I continue to write about my pictures, though, I can see her staring at me, since it’s 8:15 pm. It’s a little creepy sometimes.

12am

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Our balcony is always well lit. I have little lights aligned along the brick wall, wrapped around my little green frog who sits and watches the road. We have a few plants on the corner, what they are I don’t recall. I know Brian had planted some sunflowers that look like they’re about to bloom any day now. We also have a camera to watch the fence, since we’re the last apartment on the corner of the building. We always watch cars driving in, or people leaving. Our complex is gated and secure. Not to mention, our road is very well lit. And, like I said before, there’s always an ambulance across the street because it’s a retirement home.

That’s a day in the life of Stephanie.

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My Normal Life

Whatever Mile Rd. Here I Come!

The journey of 1000 miles begins with 999 steps. I tried that and I could barely take twenty steps. I signed up for something so simple, new and I failed. Now, anything else that I try to achieve, no one will expect me to accomplish putting my pants on correctly.  A song I usually hear on the radio in our car has every single word that describes my life; failure. This was just the test in life I didn’t study for. I’m sure they all expected this, though.

After all that I’ve been through this past week, it’s making me hope that I arrive to death late, in love and a little drunk. I know I will, the state of mind I’ve been in lately. I thought I was accomplishing my goal in life, but I seemed to have lost my balls and backed away. Now, I’ve lost all hope from all that care about me. I might as well just give up trying. I tried folding a fitted sheet the other day but I just got so pissed off that I threw it at the window. I didn’t break the window, so again, I accomplished nothing. No one was surprised that I gave up so easily. If I wasn’t able to put my pants on correctly in the morning, they would just brush it off like it was all normal.

I am a disappointment.

I always wanted to be somebody. I think I realize now I should have been more specific on what that was. I’m beginning to feel like I’m having such a boring life only because I listened to my mom and dad too much for motivation, which just pushed me in the wrong direction like any child, so I think I deserve this. Even if I am on the right track in life, I could get run over if I don’t get off my ass and just continue to sit here.  I know I shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what I can do the day after tomorrow, yet well-behaved persons seldom seem to make history. The more rebellious ones seem to achieve more often than none.  Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light so I need not be discouraged if I fail a few. I mean, people tend to say nothing is impossible and I manage nothing every day. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I know that life may be short. We all need to smile while we still have our teeth. I’m already missing one, so I’m on my way down that road. I guess I need to start studying for that test we all seem to have in life. The way life seems to be these days, I feel every day that I have almost been there, done that, practically like I’ve been there several times only because I’ve apparently forgotten.

I sometimes go outside for a while. I just go sit on our balcony or where our barbecue is just to write down what’s on my mind. No person out there could keep me down, no matter how hard they tried. I’m really starting to love him and our life more when I can make the night time last. When you love somebody, I better tell him, but at times, I feel I might one day run away. When I do, I tell the world’s alright with me, just with one look into those deep, blue eyes. When the sun goes down, he is the one I’m going to be with. There couldn’t be better days than these.

One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what I thought was real. I love you. A lot. Yet, one day I want to go back, then the next I’m totally fine here. I guess today is just another day and we’re both still at the bottom.  I miss everything back in our home town. Other than you, I don’t feel like I have anything in Sin City. I miss my family. I don’t have any friends.

I don’t want to cry anymore. I feel more lost, even when I come running back to you. Why do I blow our money, just want to be on a plane one day, but never want to leave you the next? Please, my baby, my mama, help me figure my life out. I don’t know how to be an adult. Ever since I’ve been stuck on my ass almost three years, I guess I really don’t know how to do anything. I have no problem getting up on stage, singing, socializing with new people, but I cannot seem to work a brand-new career.  I suppose I’m really just meant to be a prostitute.

 

prostitute

My Normal Life

A Little Pizza With Some Salad

“Hey guys; I just heard from the other room that he finally ordered a ton of pizza’s, some chicken wings, sandwiches and I think a big salad for all of us. Is this some kind of big game we’re watching?”

“What kind of salad did he order?”

I just continued to stare at the ladies I was talking to about a football game that we had all gathered together to watch. I thought maybe this was supposed to be the Super Bowl I had been excited for. My level of enthusiasm began to fade as I looked around the room at these gals, their size two’s, x-small t-shirts. I wondered silently to myself, “Why do you guys care more about a salad when the whole point of us being here is to watch football and eat crap food!?” I guess this means more pizza for me.

I know I really need to concentrate on what I eat. I never do. I actually just ate the left-over pizza from this football-whatever five hours later. I ate the pizza with my tenth diet cola of the day. That’s my number one problem of my life; too much cola. I need more water. I have no problem eating the ice cubes that are left over from however many glasses of cola I had for the day, yet I cannot drink a simple glass of water. I can eat three pieces of pizza, eighteen chicken nuggets, however may pieces of chocolate are sitting in front of me, yet not drink a simple glass of water.

I remember back to the salad we had last night. I did not eat any of it. I ate four pieces of pizza, way too much cheese bread and obviously drank too much. As I did all this, though, I looked around the office at these girls that were more concerned about how much salad they were allowed to consume. They were also worried about the dressing we had ordered with the pizza. I watched them chat with each other as they picked at the leaves, one piece at time.

“So, how long were you at the gym yesterday?”

“Oh my god! I was only there for two hours! I know I should have been there longer, but I hadn’t even eaten my protein bars yet, so I knew my body couldn’t handle anymore. I had only been able to run three miles, though, so I knew I’d be fine for work.”

Barbie Two’s (I feel like they both just looked like plastic dolls, as they continued to talk about their bodies) head fell back in a loud laugh that erupted the room in my judgmental road in life. “Oh my god that is so awesome! I was only able to run two and HALF miles. You can always do so much more than me. You make me feel like I gain three pounds a day sometimes!”

When she said that, I just wanted to walk over, look her into her deep, dark blue eyes and slap her across her face. She could actually stand to gain three pounds. Both of them could stand to gain twenty pounds. It’s girls like them that make me want to barf up everything I eat everyday when they complain about their bodies. My body is my fault and I know this. I can change it. But when skinny bitches sit and complain about how they might have consumed too many carbs for the day, when there is fat ass five feet away; do they not realize how this can affect her emotions? Do they not know that it’s not always so simple for all of us? I just need my motivation. Where is my inspiration?

I know that I could work harder. I know that I could encourage myself instead of just complaining. I could just stop blaming my body on my family history, the side effects my medications could have, all that I have not been doing on this road that I feel stuck on. But I still continue this in my life. I look down at what seems like such a simple path. A fun, relaxing looking dirt road full of green trees, a lot of my favorite purple flowers in life and the butterflies that I enjoy. Then I look down the other path. It looks long, and dark. I see a lot of rain. I do miss rain sometimes, since I have moved to such a dry state, yet this path also seems to hold holes that I need to leap over, walls that I might need to climb on. There also seems to be heavy rocks that I would have to heave around in order to continue.

In order to find my inner thoughts, I need to reach for another cookie. I remember there was a time ago that I worked hard and lost some weight. I would work out the same time every day, I monitored my food intake, and I made it down to a certain weight. I believe thirty pounds had left my body. But then it stopped. No more weight seemed to want to leave me. The harder I worked, the numbers on the scale remained the same.

So, I just quit. I returned back to my old habits. I didn’t make it routine to write down my calories. Fast food became my main source of nutrients. I remained on my couch during the day, giving up on my treadmill. Which means the pounds began to add themselves on to me. I just didn’t care, though.

My aggravation is really just when I walk into the majority of stores and I can’t find anything to wear. My size never seems on any racks.  Or, if it is, there is a very small section. There are many racks for the “average” size, yet for me to choose from, they all seem, something my grandma would wear. I have two certain shops I visit that have my size I can choose from. They tend to be on the expensive size, though. A t-shirt for a medium would be ten dollars, where as a t-shirt for a size twenty-two would cost me twenty-five. I understand it is more fabric and work, but it’s a t-shirt!

I try to tell myself everyday that tomorrow will be different. I ask my fairy every night to motivate me. Yet, here I remain, in my chair, with a cola and chocolate in my hand.

 

31 VERY Funny Pictures

My Normal Life

This Whiskey Tastes Like I’m About to Tell You How I Really Feel

A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when I grow old.  Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and free. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete.

I really don’t think I can say this enough, but I love you. I still have no idea why. I know that I love talking with you for what feels like forever, every day, always about nothing. I love lying next to you at night, helping to put you to sleep. I love just looking into your pale, blue eyes. Yet, I sometimes still feel like I don’t know anything about you. I know your middle name. I know when your birthday is, I think, June 29th. You are a Cancer, so I know that we are zodiac signs compatible.

The picture that you sent me the other day is what made me realize how much I really love you. I mean, come on, I just moved 3,000 miles across the country with you! We were barely starting to live together, I was just beginning to realize what you were really like and I still dropped everything and came to the casino capital of the country. I left my family and friends for you, thinking this would push us closer to certain new, obvious doors. So far, though, I feel like I’m being pushed away.

Since we have moved here, one year ago, I have already been back to the Great Lakes twice. One reason, you did come along, holding my hands and heart the whole time at the funeral, but then you returned home for work and let me stay for another week to be with my family. We did talk every day, many times, discussing how much we missed each other, you telling me how much you couldn’t wait until I returned. You even bumped my ticket up to first class, letting me fly home like you had. When I returned, though, my pants still remained on and we just continued our arguments about how I apparently contribute to nothing lately.

When I looked at this certain picture, looked at your smile, I could feel my smile creeping its way onto my face. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks beginning as I looked into your light, blue eyes, almost as if you were really in the room with me. My stomach was filling with the same chills that it had filled with the first night that I felt a foot punting me in my behind; when I turned around, it was you, introducing yourself to me on our very first date. Oh, such a gentleman you were.

I sometimes sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you are finally able to admit these days. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank. I just wonder when we can venture down this road, another topic I have to bring up

When those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, when that time in our life is trying to be discussed, you sink back into your dungeons and dragons. After one of us grumbles something at the other, I then listen to you drone on for twenty minutes at your highest level possible about whatever was accidentally said, we separate into our own rooms. It’s always about money lately, a typical couple’s argument.  I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on, one that I apparently never contribute anything towards. But, I will turn my ears off if you’re just going to sit there and basically tell me how worthless I am.

It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That’s where your heart is. My heart that I am willing to devote towards you. I know that life is tough, but darling, I know that you are as well. Maybe we just need to let shit go and start over. Just try to erase all what we were talking about today, as hard as I know that will be for you. You can’t let one tiny little dust particle that upsets you off your mind for two hours. Besides, I need to listen to you drone on about it, complaint after complaint. Then, I sit and I listen, because I love you.

I sometimes believe that you are the definition of negative. At times, I have a difficult time not falling off of my positive path. Nevertheless, when I sit and listen to you complain about one small thing that has made you upset for a half-hour, it does bring me down a little. So, find a way to uplift my spirit!

I know that I can make you smile. I leave you alone when you come home from work. I do welcome you home with my hugs of love, I can never stop wrapping my arms around you. I learn that you have a lot of fun when we go see our Elvis on Friday nights. We get to have a good time with the ladies that you work with, not to mention I get to gaze upon the glory of my new teen-crush (I love you more.) Yet, as soon as his last words are singing, your grey cloud returns and I do not know which path we are supposed to continue on for the evening to make your adorable smile continue.

Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.

I hate everyone

My Normal Life

Big Butts In a Can Of Limes

315. That is a big number. It’s also the biggest that has appeared on my scale at this point in my life. One would think this number be would be my motivation to lose the big butt that I sing about every week. But it is not. I really don’t have any right now. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

I really don’t like my pants. I do wish I didn’t have to re-stretch my t-shirts after I washed them every time. I still make the same wish to my fairy every night, who seems to have been lost for the past twenty years, the same wish when my head is on my pillow at night: I wish that when I am awake in the morning, the weight on my scale will be what I ask her for, a healthy one, and every person in my life will think that is how my body has always been. Or, I should just ask my fairy to finally motivate me to get off of my fat ass and to actually try to do what I have been wanting my lazy self to do for these past six months; lose 100 pounds. I have a free gym attached to my apartment, after all. I also ask her that it would be so simple for me to lose five pounds in one day, even if I just sneeze. Or maybe, even easy for my body to just lose 20 pounds. For, once I lose 20 pounds, I will be inspired to continue on to 5 more and then 10 more and then 20 more until I have reached my goal.

However, you all need to leave me alone about it. I do not want to do any of this when I feel like this topic is brought up and shoved into my face constantly. I don’t always run from my problems. I just continue to sit in my chair, play on my computer and ignore them. Like an adult. I need to motivate myself. I need to force myself to do this. I need to want to do this. I have so many reasons why I already want to, though. I want to be able to climb up a flight of stairs without being out of breath. I want to walk into any store ready to pick from all of the clothes that are upon the shelves. I want to be able to sleep in my boyfriend’s favorite t-shirt.  I just want it to be so simple. But nothing in life is easy. I can’t make everybody happy. It’s not like I’m a taco. And I don’t even like taco’s that much. I really prefer chicken nuggets, which I eat too much of.

I wasn’t picked on when I was younger. I consider myself lucky. I know that when growing up at a certain age, any girl is subject to bullying. I never really had trouble walking up to other children and just joining in on the fun. I joined my school’s theater club to help me continue down my happy path while in high school. I had no problem getting up on stage and preform whatever role I was given at the top of my lungs. I did feel like I was supposed to have a boyfriend, though, and I felt the only reason no guy responded to my smiles was because I wasn’t the same shape as every girl in the school, the sticks that walked upon the halls. I still did not let myself sink into that hole I knew was trying to drag me down.

In my world, I felt awesome.  I was able to be up on that stage. I was able to make so many friends being involved in this that I have lost count. These were real friends, too. These are people I am still in touch with fifteen years later. They did not judge me by my round butt, or wide hips. They did not care that fat hung off my arms or that I had to buy my clothes in the adult woman’s section. They liked me for me.

Even as my life continues, since 33 is such an old age, I am still able to do this. I have my days where I critic the way I look more than I’m sure any other person around me does. I think I’m more judgmental about my appearance than I was in my younger years. When I am getting ready to shower, I will stand and pick and pull at every piece of my body in the mirror. I will stand and mentally tell myself that I need to change what is in front of me. I need to get rid of this piece and that piece. Even though there is a person in another room that I am able to sexually induce in some way, I still feel that I need to wake up the next day and the body that I have been wishing for, for the past fifteen years will be there when I throw the covers off myself the next day. Yet, instead of carrots or apples, I reach over for cheese bread and diet cola as I conclude my writing. So, my fat ass will always remain upon my body until my psychic will finally be correct about one thing in my life.

 

Abraham big butts

My Normal Life

Green Blue Chair of Life

I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m happy you’re in it.  Crap. I guess that means I really am in love with you. I think I realize this day by day. When I see your face in the morning, when I smell your shirt as I hug you, I realize that you are the one that was put on this planet for me. Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you? I can never express this enough. I know that everyday, we can bicker over the tiniest subject, yet ten minutes later, our arms are wrapped around each other like nothing ever happened. Thank you for loving me, even when I’m a crazy bitch. We can both explode over something so simple; oh no! We can’t find the remote! YOU must have left it in that one place under that certain cushion that our cat has been lying on for three hours. But not one of us will take blame for who put it there. Then, five minutes later, we start calmly talking about something else, like we hadn’t just bickered like simple five-year-old’s.

I have come to learn, over these past five years, that you are honestly the weirdest fucking person I know. And that’s why we are meant for each other. You will sit and pick at one tiny piece of your computer that you never seem to realize is one issue I will ever understand. Yet I will sit and start a discussion about a certain issue of history that I know you will not stop talking about for an hour, which I love. Then there is the topic that you will not shut up about: bit mining. I will never understand it. You sit, babble about another overly priced machining that we need just to increase our coinage that I still do not see, just so you can buy another mechanical thing! I just want to see the money so you can buy me what my finger seems to be missing. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute of my life with you. And I know that you know that.

Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember; I put up with you. So now we’re even. I sit here, in my flower covered chair and look over at you in your reclining greenblue chair as you snore your cute little snores. Our cute little Tommy is in his identical one to yours, laying upon his pillow I had made for him, next to a pillow with his face upon it.  I love you with all of my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger. I love yours, too, as little as it is.

I know that you are cute. I tell you that all of the time. If anyone else touches you, I would stab them like I had learned about on the streets of Detroit, which I never did. But I do know how to swing a broom. I always think back to our first date. You should feel lucky that I remember that night, since I can’t remember what happened last week. I think that night, after you smacked my ass, as your more proper way of a hand shake, I had thought to myself as our date came to end, “I’m going to date him so hard and then marry the crap out of him.” Five years later; here we are. Though my finger still seems to be missing one thing, one shiny thing.

I know I can be a handful, I suppose that is why you have two hands. Makes it all a little easier when we’re lying in bed, talking. That’s always my favorite way to end the day. I do love helping you fall asleep. I know that I don’t always fall asleep at the same time that you do, but I cuddle with you every night. I’m a night owl, while you’re an early bird. As you begin to mumble your way into your dreams, my mind tries to analyze what you are saying.

I will fail at some point in my life. I need to accept it. I will lose. I will embarrass myself. I will suck at something. Maybe even everything. There is no doubt about it. I need to not be discouraged. Never hold back. I need to give everything I what I have. And when I fail throughout life, and maybe even tonight after a few too many glasses of champagne, I need to move forward. And I will move forward; because I have you.

 

lawyer suit

My Normal Life

One Day At a Time

Life never really gets easier. I remember at my dad’s funeral, a family friend told me “time will heal the pain – it will get easier.” This, unfortunately may not be true. He’s gone, and he’s not coming back. It’s never any easier to realize that. What will happen, though, is my ability to cope. I want to become stronger. I choose to focus on the good instead of the bad.

Sometimes it’s out of my control. Watching someone I love suffer through excruciating pain day-in and day-out is one of the worst experiences I can imagine. I can only stand by, hold his hand, and try to distract him from what he is currently feeling. I felt helpless though, being 3,000 miles away and just wanting to take on the pain for him. Sometimes, all I could do was have him in my heart all day, every day.

All of my great memories are basically gold. The bad memories will stick with me, too, though. There had been moments we didn’t get along. While he forgave me eventually, I will still hold those words close to my heart and feel guilty for saying them in the first place. Had I known then what I know now, I would have spent every day telling him how great and awesome he was, instead of wasting breath of petty arguments that really mean nothing today.

July 20th, 1955, my Grandma Millie and Grandpa Bud brought my dad into this world. Good things were about to come. All the stories I have been told throughout my 33 years that he has given me such happiness and love show what a great time those three eras were. His high school life sounded almost like mine was; being on stage, portraying to this city what a good old man he would grow up to be.

My mom was telling me today that she met him through a joint group of friends they have. She was out for the night, intending to be set up with a different person, another I still consider family to this day, but she wound up hitting it off with my dad that night. Him, being his usual humorous, casual self and 36 years later; here we all are. We’re just missing one thing; my dad.

I know my dad always had the best times when he could put mine and my sister’s new toys together just so he could play with them, too. Even it was just having to play with my Barbie’s. I know he had the best time when I liked playing with Lego’s. He loved it when I would help him with yard work, which really meant just cleaning up after our dogs. Eventually he liked it even better when I took over mowing the lawn.

When he started to walk down the wrong path in life, the road that had no returns, I think denial started to fill my head. I was also distracted by that other guy in my life.

My sister and I were both sat down at the kitchen table one day, then told why my dad had been going to the doctor so often lately; he had Cancer. I held in my feelings. I kind of felt something like this would eventually happen. I had watched him smoke my whole life. I had seen what three of my Grandparents had been through because of this, so I always thought somehow, his smoke would never leave his body. I didn’t want it to happen, but I just wasn’t surprised.

The symptoms of Esophageal Cancer were difficulty swallowing, weight loss, chest pain/pressure, and coughing. I had sensed that he had been having some of these. This is the 6th most common Cancer-causing death worldwide. The 6th! It can affect more men than woman.

I hadn’t intended to come back to Michigan until October, however I got a call that I needed to fly home as soon as possible. The earliest flight I could get wasn’t until 11:20 pm. I started cramming as much as I could find into my suit case, my hands shaking while I was trying to tell the above to hold off until I got to say goodbye.

But they couldn’t wait for him.

My mom called me a few hours before my flight to tell me that I should hold off until the day before my dad’s funeral so my guy could come with me. I almost didn’t even want to go to that. I know my mom and sister needed me, though.

His day of remembrance was the day that I could see how many people cared about my dad and mom. I saw so many of his old friends that I remembered from when I was just a young girl. I saw his friends that I hadn’t seen in years, all remembered so much about me that I, of course, didn’t. But they all still hugged me like I was their own little girl. They all hugged my mom and sister with so much love and compassion that I could see how much of my dad was in their hearts and memories. The only thing I still regret about that day is that I didn’t cry a single tear during when his flag was given to my mom and his prayer remembrance was said about him. I still haven’t really cried anything of his loss since I was on the phone with my mom that night.

I love you dad. I wish I could have been with throughout all your pain. But I’ll just continue to remember all of our happy days.

 

dad3

My Normal Life

I Wish This Dream Was True

Perhaps it was a dream, she thought. Perhaps if she pinched herself, she would wake up. But she didn’t want to wake up. She wanted to stay in this dream world where she could walk into any store just to pick out any piece of clothing off the rack and it would fit. In the real world, she had one or two stores at the mall that had her big butt size. If she needed anything specific, she would always look online, because for sure she would be able to find anything in that world. There would be no guarantee it would fit until it arrived at her doorstep, but no doubt that it would. Her real dream, was to be able to choose from any store, though. She wanted to take off of any shelf. Any shirt she would see, she wanted it to be so simple to just purchase it without even trying it on. Yet she had been unable to for so long in her life. It has always been her fault. Carrots or French fries; water or diet coke; 30-minute aerobics or Netflix. She always chose the latter. Whatever is the humblest in life. Though she has tried to change her body on many occasions. She would change her diet, make herself a schedule to exercise. She would begin to succeed, the numbers dropping, her pants getting just a size or two smaller. But then, her weight would just seem to level off, still at an unhealthy high level, though. She would continue to persist on for a few more months, and instead of five pounds a day, she would be lucky if two or three would fall off for the week. So, she would just give up, returning back to her lazy food style. The body she had wanted would just appear in her dreams. She knew the body she had, another found attractive. It was another that others enjoyed her singing songs about. Yet, when she needed to shop for a specific piece of clothing, she’d worry if she would be able to find it. She may be, at times, one that cannot embarrass easily, but in her dream world, she would even be able to fit properly on an airplane. Flight attendants must give her extended pieces for her seat belt, which she asks for discreetly. She can get up on a stage, and belt out about baby having back, but she cannot ask in a loud voice for an extra seat belt. She may act like she loves her outside, but does she really? There are so many ways she can change herself, yet she just continues to sit in her chair.

Lightning

My Normal Life

My Brother Is Such a Dork

My brother is such a dork.

I can’t stand to be around him. But I feel that my parents are always trying to make his head get bigger and bigger every day. They are always filling it with “Great job son!” and “marvelous report card”. It’s like he could do no more than he seems to. William needs to just stop already. This is his senior year and all he does is work with those science geeks in their science “club.” They’re assigned to come up with some sort of new “discovery” thing, whatever that is. But you want to know what I think; I think their trying to take over the world. I really do. I pay more attention to some of the things that they’ve been putting together.

I’ve been spying on them in the garage. That big machine they’ve been working on all year doesn’t look like a bug repellent object they keep telling everyone that it is. To me, it looks like an atom bomb machine, the type that I’ve seen on the History Channel. Where would they get all the complicated objects that they need to put something like this together? If I remember correctly, Todd’s dad works for some portion of the army. Or Home Depot, maybe.

There was one night that they were all out late at Pizza Hut, like they told my parents, but I think they were really sneaking into a secret underground business Mr. Hinto has. Yeah, I know about this. I know how to follow people. I have been getting better at it. I knew my secret detective kits that I had gotten for my birthday would come in handy one day. He may have inherited the science genes, but I feel that I really was born more the detective type. I was growing suspicious of why they always felt the need to do their science “homework” at the pizza place once a week. If I was in Advance Chemistry, I would have my laboratory in a person’s basement or garage, but that’s just me. How is a person to blow something up in a family restaurant?

But I digress. I follow them as best as I can. I can’t really do a great job since I’m in our mom’s orange sedan, so I try to stay two cars behind the green Saturn I had seen the four of them get into. William and Todd are the only two that I knew. The other guys I have seen, but I do not believe I have ever been formally introduced to. A little rude if you ask me. When they pull into the parking lot, I decide I’ll slyly drive around the block, give them time to situate themselves.

As I’m making my circle, I begin to think how I’m even going to see what they’re doing. I can’t go in, as my brother will see me and wonder what I am doing out alone. It’s a school night, not very safe for sixteen-year-old ladies to be out “on their own”, he’ll think. I know I’m grown up enough. I have a part time job at our grandma’s flower shop after all. If I know how to put together wedding bouquets of lavenders and lilies in one day for two different overly demanding families whose mothers and brides call every half hour changing their minds about something, then I think I know how to handle myself.

As I pull up to Pizza Hut, I’m still thinking how I’m going to figure out his Taking Over the World meeting. I knew I should have called Vallery. She loves when I’m out past curfew, especially when out following my brother. I know she’s had a huge major crush on him since junior high. I try to walk as slyly as I can over to his car in the well lite parking lot. Looking in his windows, I can see that he left his backpack in the back seat. Now, why would he want to leave this in his car when the whole purpose of being here was for his club? All of his sloppy science notes are in his backpack, which I know I shouldn’t look through daily. I just try to make it seem like the cat was in there, like he’s always in my backpack. How am I to find out what his domination plans are if I don’t keep my eye on him, though? I look at my reflection in his car as I continue to think and then it hits me: spare car key! I remember he has one stuck under his driver side door, since he’s constantly locking his keys inside. For having such marvelous report cards, my brother really can be a dumbass at times.

Reaching under the driver side, I began to wonder how thrilled the Dailey Tribune will be when I call them to tell them a high school science club is trying to take over the world! I know I will get the front page for sure.

Suddenly, I hear voices behind me. I recognize my brother anywhere. I’m forced to listen to him talk about nonsense at dinner so I’d be able to pick out his annoying voice in a room full of Fran Dresser’s. How can they finish food that quickly? Unless, they were just picking up their pizza; how could I have not thought this through! I can’t possibly get back to my car without him seeing me. Maybe, I can just tell him mom had let me make a trip to7-11 to clear my brain while I was doing my Math homework, since he wasn’t home to help me with it (grrrrrr).

“What are you doing here?” I hear William saying behind me. I guess I had been trying to think of an escape for too long.

“I, uh, was just out for…my nightly coff-slurpee! And I happened to see your mobile here.” I quickly thought.

“Okay. But 7-11 is down the street.” I could see his fellows also starting to look questionably at me. I should have thought of a backup plan. All detectives have back up plans.

“Err, I DID see your car, and mom wanted me to stop and remind you something.” I can be just as genius as you my brother. You will be stopped, just you wait.

They all continued to look at me, as if waiting for me to continue speaking. I just stared back; I could see they were wanting a staring contest, which they would lose. I was the champion of these. After a few quiet seconds, he continued, “And mother wanted you to ask me….?”

Blast. I hadn’t quite thought this far. What could our mom possible want me to follow her pride and joy for to ask a simple question when all she could do is call him and hear his lovely voice? My brain was filling with too many thoughts too fast to throw at him, I couldn’t think of anything. I feel he could tell by my face, since I do have a rather obvious thinking face, the way one eyebrow arches slowly and I make a very slight, small smile.

“Could you excuse us gentleman,” I hear my brother say to his friends. I watch as they give me a sly glance but slowly walk back towards Pizza Hut. I wonder now what my brothers going to do? He must know why I’m here. Is this the end of me? I haven’t even been able to wear my homecoming dress yet!

“Harper, now that my gentleman friends are gone, you and I are going to have a little chat.”

The way his eyes are on me, squinted in a stern way that is starting to make me feel uneasy. I continued to stare at him, thinking of what to say. He couldn’t possibly think I was trying to end his groups plot to take over the world, could he? I know I over analyzed everything, but my brother wasn’t always the brightest bulb in the bunch. Or was he?

“Okay, let’s chat.” I tried not to look directly at him. I wanted it to seem like I had no idea what he was trying to talk about, even though I knew he was going to tell me that the knowledge I had of his group was too much.

“Harper, my dear, dear sister. I think you being here this late at night, is not a good thing. I know that you’re always over thinking my guys and me, but I think I have finally figured something about why you’re always tagging along. And don’t think I don’t always see you,” I tried not to look at him. I knew I should have used our dad’s car to follow. To use our fathers, though, it’s like I have to loan him my kidney for the night and not go more than a block away.

He continued his rambling. I had gotten good at blocking him out, since he did like to talk about nothing a lot, “I know you’re at that awkward stage in your life when you’re afraid to admit a lot of things. We all are. Heck, I even have a hard time approaching people. But, my dear, sweet little sister, I can tell Todd that you like him. I can tell him that you want to go on a date with him.”

I continued to look at him a moment as this all went through my head. The only reason he thought I was here was to see Todd, not to stop them from taking over the world? My dear, sweet stupid brother. For being such a genius, you’re really not that bright at times.

I hung my head for a moment before saying “Yes, I do like Todd. I haven’t wanted to tell anyone because I never thought a senior would want to date a junior. I never knew how to tell him either! He’s the first guy I’ve ever liked!”

“Well, little sis, I can tell him for you. I think he likes you too. He does talk about you.”

I continued to look my brother in the eyes with a happy little face. I knew I had made my way in. I now knew I could stop him from taking over the world.

taking over world

My Normal Life

Love is a Smile

Sometimes all we do is drive, but what we may be doing is to think about the feelings that we hide. Just always try to stay close to the people who feel like the sunlight.

I know I tend to be the type that once she has a drink and I feel the need for another twenty minutes later. Then I need another. Then I think my mind is making me get drunk to numb the hell out of it. I don’t know what that hell is. I have happiness in my life. I am overly loved by my family and my guy.  He seems able to handle and understand me. I sometimes wonder if I really am that girl that he saw in public and couldn’t forget. I know he’s the guy for me. If I was able to remember his name after our first date, then that’s a very good thing. I’m horrible with names.

If I was able to move across the country with him, then that shows commitment. I gathered every piece of crap that I was able to fit into our moving truck and moved 2000 miles away from my family, friends, my home that I still own. However, my love, you cannot get mad when I just want to pack my suitcase to go back to visit our Great Lake State for the stupidest reason on this Earth. Sometimes, we just need to take a few days to breathe.

Ever since our move, I don’t know what I feel anymore. I may be constantly talking about just packing up and leaving you, nonetheless, I love you with this little particle that is helping to support my inner being; my heart that I sometimes feel I have lost. When I am away from you, even if it’s just an hour, I feel the need to call you just to hear your voice.  When you walk through our door after being away from me for eight hours I always need to jump out of my chair and squeeze my arms around you as fast as I can just to get every ounce of my love into you.

I love you, still at times, I feel like it’s killing me. If I were to leave, I would miss you. I would miss us. I would miss having you to talk to whenever I wanted. Then I sometimes wonder if I just need to move on in life, because there are days when I feel like this is pointless. Love is not finding someone you can live with; it’s finding someone you can’t live without, and there are days when I look in the mirror and just wonder if this is the last one?

I occasionally sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you deny that you are one. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank.

Though, when those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, you sink back into your farming. I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on. It is one that I am willing to devote a big portion of my attitude towards. Not to mention, we live in Vegas baby. There’s a chapel down the street.

A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be a very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when we grow old.  Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and freer. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete and I love you.

Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.

 

lobster