I know that I tend to be the type that once she’s had just one drink, I feel the need for another one ten minutes later. Then, I know that I choose for a little more after that. Later, I think all of the emotions that have built up suddenly inside of my mind are the ones that are causing me to get drunk to numb all of these inside of me to get out of me. I don’t know what the hell it may be, though. I have happiness in my life. I am overly loved by my family. My guy seems able to handle plus understand me. I sometimes wonder if I really am the girl that he met on our first date and if I will always be the one he fell in love with. I still hope that he is the person that is meant for me. If I was able to remember his name after our first date, then that’s a very good thing. I am horrible with names. Not being able to remember his birthday or our anniversary, yet him, the computer tyrant that he can be, is able to pull all of that out of the air and still care about me. I know he is my lobster.
Sometimes, really for no reason, all we do is drive. What we may be driving for is to think about the feelings that we could be hiding. Maybe we just need to always try and stay close to the people who feel how the sunlight should always be; shining through the clouds. Or we could legitimately be connected with the ones who are entirely as excited when the sun is hidden behind the dark clouds as the rain pours down and the thunder pounds above.
If it was good enough for me to move across the country with him, than that shows commitment. I gathered every piece of crap that was simple enough to fit into our moving truck and moved 3000 miles away from my family, friends, my home that I still owned. However, my love, you cannot get mad when I simply feel the need to pack my suitcase just to go back and visit our Great Lake State for the stupidest reason on this Earth. Sometimes, we just need to take a few days apart to breathe. Hotels can be expensive in Sin City.
Ever since our move, even a married woman may not know how to feel on a bad days like these. I may be constantly thinking about just packing up and leaving you. Those days seem to be increasing. Nonetheless, I love you with this little particle that is helping to support my inner being; my heart that I sometimes feel may be lost. When I am away from you, even if it’s just for 30 minutes, I feel the need to call you just to hear your voice. When you walk through our door after being away from me for eight hours, I always need to jump out of my chair and squeeze my arms around you as fast as I can just to get every ounce of love into you. I do our laundry, I clean our cats litter box, the one you vomit at when you look at it. He was your cat before we met. I may not pay the bills, which I am constantly reminded about day after day. I am made aware that I only paid a small amount one month, nothing another time, or about how much you have given me minute after minute. I try to help with every five cents that I can. This is what a thank you or a hug could be for. I was taught how to say those two words when I am giving my appreciations. Still, I am just reminded that you paid a greater amount than I did for each bill.
2 packs of cigarettes, twice a week, for one month equals about $200. And the alcohol I bring home every other day is about $250. But please remind me again how you still pay for the car that I drive for work every week. I’ll just quit the job it took me two years to find so that you can drive two blocks to your office.
I love you, still at times, I feel like it’s killing me. If I were to leave, I would miss you more than you would ever know. I would miss us. I would miss having you to talk to; almost like back when we began. At times I sometimes wonder if I just need to move on in life. There are days when I feel like what we are is pointless. Love is not finding someone you can live with; it’s finding someone you cannot live without. There are days when I look into the mirror and just wonder if this will be the last day?
When I look at a certain picture, looking at your smile, I can feel my smile creeping its way onto my face. I can feel the warmth in my cheeks beginning as I looked into your light, blue eyes, almost as if you were really in the room with me. My stomach starts filling with the same chills that it had filled with the first night that I felt a foot punting me in my ass; when I turned around; it was you, introducing yourself to me on our very first date. Oh, such a gentleman you were.
I occasionally sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be a total computer nerd. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times. In order to have children, though, certain articles of clothing need to be missing, which seem unable to be touched in over a year. Yet I still throw my bra across the living room when I walk through the door everyday day after work, unnoticed.
Whenever this conversation about children is trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. This isn’t Mexico, babe. Love, children, sharing the same name has been suggested in our relationship, you sink back into your farmer’s game. I know this road in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know that it is a big hump that we will have to work on. It is one that I am willing to devote a big portion of my attitude towards.
A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, and then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be a very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re the soul in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when we grow old. Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger as well as freer at times. I know that I belong with you including that you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete and I love you. You are my lobster, as many times that I tell you.
It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That is where your heart is; my heart that I am willing to devote towards you. I know that life is tough, but darling; I realize that you are as well. Maybe we just need to let shit go and start over. We should just try to erase all that we were talking about today, as hard as I know that I can be for you. You can’t let one tiny little dust particle that upsets you off your mind for two hours, like me. Besides, I need to listen to you drone on about pointless anything, complaint after complaint. I sit and I listen, because I love you.
Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. I will always be the arms you can come to, even when you don’t think that you need a thing.