Sometimes all we do is drive, but what we may be doing is to think about the feelings that we hide. Just always try to stay close to the people who feel like the sunlight.
I know I tend to be the type that once she has a drink and I feel the need for another twenty minutes later. Then I need another. Then I think my mind is making me get drunk to numb the hell out of it. I don’t know what that hell is. I have happiness in my life. I am overly loved by my family and my guy. He seems able to handle and understand me. I sometimes wonder if I really am that girl that he saw in public and couldn’t forget. I know he’s the guy for me. If I was able to remember his name after our first date, then that’s a very good thing. I’m horrible with names.
If I was able to move across the country with him, then that shows commitment. I gathered every piece of crap that I was able to fit into our moving truck and moved 2000 miles away from my family, friends, my home that I still own. However, my love, you cannot get mad when I just want to pack my suitcase to go back to visit our Great Lake State for the stupidest reason on this Earth. Sometimes, we just need to take a few days to breathe.
Ever since our move, I don’t know what I feel anymore. I may be constantly talking about just packing up and leaving you, nonetheless, I love you with this little particle that is helping to support my inner being; my heart that I sometimes feel I have lost. When I am away from you, even if it’s just an hour, I feel the need to call you just to hear your voice. When you walk through our door after being away from me for eight hours I always need to jump out of my chair and squeeze my arms around you as fast as I can just to get every ounce of my love into you.
I love you, still at times, I feel like it’s killing me. If I were to leave, I would miss you. I would miss us. I would miss having you to talk to whenever I wanted. Then I sometimes wonder if I just need to move on in life, because there are days when I feel like this is pointless. Love is not finding someone you can live with; it’s finding someone you can’t live without, and there are days when I look in the mirror and just wonder if this is the last one?
I occasionally sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you deny that you are one. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank.
Though, when those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, you sink back into your farming. I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on. It is one that I am willing to devote a big portion of my attitude towards. Not to mention, we live in Vegas baby. There’s a chapel down the street.
A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be a very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when we grow old. Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and freer. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete and I love you.
Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.