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Pulling Up My Pants

I’ve read, that a Pisces takes a long time to get over people. It’s one of their biggest flaws. I may not be perfect, but there are parts of me that are pretty awesome. I know that I will never be truly happy if I continuously hold onto the things that make me sad, so I need to let them go. I need to realize that the pity train has just derailed at the corner of Suck It Up and it might have crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a stop at Get the Hell Over Him. I sometimes find it ironic that when I needed him, he wasn’t there. But when I finally started to pull up my pants and move on, he seemed to come crawling back. This made me really want to write “I miss you” on a rock and then throw it at his face just so he can know how much it hurts to miss him. I even wish you could realize that you are the dullest, emptiest, vessel of a human being I have ever encountered. You are, honestly, the weirdest person I know. And that’s why, I for some reason feel that we are meant for each other. At some point I need to realize that certain people can stay in my heart but not in my life. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Perhaps the reason is just that I am stupid and make bad decisions. I know that life is too short to stress myself with people who don’t even deserve to be an issue in my life. I don’t care if the world is composed of billions of people. I want him, end of story. Even if this means that I plan on bugging him every single day. Sometimes the best way to get this persons attention is to stop giving them yours. I don’t know the way down this path in life, but I’ll be there soon. You are my favorite pain in the ass, after all. There are times when I hate you, and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off of a cliff and then rush to the bottom, as fast as I can, just to catch you. You do need to just admit it; your life would totally suck without me. If I have to force this, I just need to leave it all alone. Relationships, friendships, ponytails…I just need to leave them all alone. One day I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, I know that alcohol will solve them all. I know that a person who truly loves me, will see what a mess I can be, how moody I can get and how hard I can be to handle, but they will still want me. I need to stop looking for my happiness in the same place that I lost it. Yes, I am smiling but you are not that reason anymore. I need to be with those who will bring out the best in me, not the stress in me. And it’s okay to walk out of someone’s life if I don’t feel like I belong in it anymore.

dear cupid

Too Many Reasons

I have so many reasons I am perfect for you, whoever you are. There are almost too many to even tell you. First off; no one will try to steal me from you. Do not deny that. I can tell that you are the only person that wants me. Then there is the fact that sometimes I’m funny. Sometimes. Maybe there was this one time. I think anyway. So these would be the greatest reasons for you, whoever you are, to come find me.

I am always grateful, too, that I don’t have a gap between my thighs. There was this one time that I was on my phone and I almost dropped it into the toilet, but these ladies saved the day. They also make a good resting place for my coffee at times. I know there is a man out there that loves the big hips, and he cannot lie.

I have been single for what feels like my whole life and I have to say, I sense that all is going well. I do feel like everything is working out all hunky-dory. I even think that maybe I, am the one. Or perhaps I’m just single because I have such crappy taste in men. Either way, I may like it right now, but I’m really still expecting for Sal Vulcano to finally realize that I am for him.

I’m waiting for my celebrity to come find me because every ordinary guy appears to suck right now. I may seem like I’m waiting for the right guy, but we all know that I can’t even hold up three seconds for anything. So how am I supposed to wait another six months for “him” to find me, not to mention, if I ever even had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t know what to do with him! Do I feed him at certain times? How often would he need to use the bathroom?

I have heard so many times that if I stop looking, the right person will come along. Maybe mine got hit by a truck. Could be the only reason he’s taking forever.

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Stuck In Confusion

Why do I want you so badly? I didn’t so many months ago. Is it only because I cannot have you? If you had no one else, would I want you so badly? I wonder. If you hadn’t sent me a simple “hello”, would I already be moved on and happy? I keep trying to leave this road I feel lost on, but you seem to reel me back to the same path every day. My head is empty of everything except you.

You must realize that the only times I try to express what is eating a hole inside me is when I have consumed too much of my Wellness. You know how I can be when that liquid has taken over my mind. I want nothing more than for me to be able to take every advantage of you that you will allow. Though, this time, I cannot touch you. You care too much for that one, the one who I am trying to persuade you is not your piece that you are supposed to be with. She is not your person. She is merely a figment of imagination, helping you to pass time until you finally stop being a dumbass and realize you are facing the wrong direction in life.

Or maybe I am. Maybe I am only stuck on you because you like that you have your one thing and then another who wants you so bad, making you feel in control of everything. I try to resist you.  I keep thinking I can change the direction that your heart is facing. I notice when it’s been a few days that I have not contacted you, my phone rings. Yet, again, when you see my face, I still cannot touch yours. So I retreat. Then my phone rings. And men talk about woman being confusing.

I wish you would just admit what you want: me. You are just too scared that I’ll leave you again. Well, so am I.


I’m Singing Right Now

The last time I sang out loud was about five minutes ago. I was singing about much I wanted to be sedated. I can’t help it, I’m a singer. If a song I enjoy is playing, I always chime along. Right now, on my Pandora, a Blink 182 song that I love has just begun and I am pretending to be a member of the band.

When our past winter was starting to come to an end, I had stumbled upon a new group on my Meet-Up page. They were this quiz night/karaoke type that would gather on certain nights of the week. I figured I would give them a go. I have the balls to get in front of a strangers eyes to pretend I know how to sing and I would like to see what theses “Quizzo” things were. I figured they weren’t the ACTs, so I might know some form of history or science.

Depending on my mood for the day, I can sit down with a group of people and never shut up, sometimes a good thing. Other times, I can sit down with them and perhaps say three words the whole night. It all depends on how my brain wants to function. This first night, though, I immediately felt like I was at home. I felt like these were my people. A small piece of the happiness I had been searching for.

These guys have been getting my off of my couch at least once a week; helping me feel like there’s a reason to keep my pants on. Whether I would be playing the overly odd board games or singing some Bruce Springsteen along with all of them. I will be there.

And, of course, this past Sunday, at one of our last minute gatherings, I had to sing my all-time favorite song. I sing this one at every one of my get-togethers. I actually pull out my inner rap goddess more than anything. She is needed to proclaim how much Baby Got Back, after all.


1. Have you tried online? I have chronic eye strain from excessive use of OkCupid, thank you.


2. You have so much freedom. Yeah, I love being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it… by myself.

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3. You have to love yourself first. Believe me, I do — almost nightly.

4. Stop being so picky. Right. Because I should really have given that guy — the one who had no problem sticking his finger in his nose multiple times on our first date — a second chance.

5. Never settle. Of course this one always comes from the married friend who is exhausted by the husband she found after she decided to… wait for it… stop being so picky.

6. You need to date a nice guy. Yeah, I tried that but he turned out to be an asshole.


7. You sound a little bitter. That’s because I am. And you telling me that doesn’t help, by the way.

8. Being married is not all it’s cracked up to be. Oh okay, I guess I’ll just give up then.


9. You’re never going to meet someone sitting on your couch so much. Why do you think the UPS guy is delivering twice a week?

10. You need to learn to enjoy being by yourself. But I’m never going to meet someone sitting on my couch!

11. It’s a volume game — you just have to meet as many men as you can and one of them will work. If that were true, I would have been married at 22

12. It’s when you stop looking that it’ll finally happen. Does this work if you stop looking just so it’ll finally happen?

13. Being single is way better than being in a crappy relationship. Oh! I’ll make sure to write that in my journal.


14. You’re still young — you have plenty of time. Every egg in a woman’s body has been there since birth. You were saying?

15. Are you going to the right places? There are “right” places?? OMG. I had no idea. Please give me the addresses of all of them right now. I’m going to go there immediately to get my future husband.

My All Time Favorite

In 1998, my freshman year, my absolute favorite movie in the world came out; “Can’t Hardly Wait.” It’s all about when after the graduation of 500 seniors, the look forward to a party. Preston Meyers wants to finally get Amanda Beckett, the girl he’s been in love with since freshman year. He plans to finally proclaim his love to her. Preston drags his friend, Denise Fleming, along with him to this party.

Amanda Beckett, the most popular girl in school only because she was shown around her first day by popular jock, Mike Dexter. The next four years, she is name prom queen and know by everyone. But on the night of graduation, Mike dumps her, while also convincing his other jock friends to dump their girlfriends.

After being consoled by her already drunk friends, Amanda discovers the letter written by Preston, though a mystery author to her, and she makes it her mission to find him.

Kenny Fisher is on also on his mission to lose his virginity this night. He has no specific chick in mind, but this is his plan by the end of the night. After finding a girls who he thinks he has convinced to be “the one”, he feels the need to “prepare” himself. The line for the bathroom is endless, though, so he finds a way to convince the home owner to let him use the upstairs bathroom. A few moments later, Denise wanders her way up there to clean cake off of her face and they both wind up locked in together for the night. These two wind up restoring their friendship, which escalates into Ken actually achieving what he had come to the party for.

William Lichter has devised a plan of revenge on all that Mike has put him through. He has his two overly nerdy friends wait on the roof of the garage for when he as pulled Mike out. Only problem is, William’s plan while at the party it to try to fir in by “casually” drinking, but he overly consumes his alcohol and he totally forgets his plan. William is about to become friends with Mike, though, who is the one that bails him out when the two are jailed the next day. But when he tries to sit with him at the diner, Mike blows him off like he’s still the same nerd he never liked.

Preston finally finds Amanda at the party and is able to confess his love, but this is totally at the wrong time. Amanda he been being hit on all night and takes this opportunity to finally reject someone. Later, then the girl who wants ever person signature in her yearbook is getting Amanda’s, she takes this chance to find who Preston is, and she then realizes she had just driven away the guy she felt was meant for her.

The next morning, Preston waits at a railway station, leaving for an early writing workshop when he is suddenly approached by Amanda about his letter. He confesses he wrote but that he needs to leave. They look into each other’s eyes, but they say their goodbyes. Then Preston changes his mind, runs back to her and the two are finally united.

What happened with all the rest:

  • Seven hours later, Preston got on a train to Boston, Amanda wrote him a letter for everyday he was away.  They are still together.
  • The day after the party, Denise and Kenny meet up in a diner.  Five minutes later, Denise dumped Kenny.  Ten minutes later, they found a bathroom and got back together.
  • Mike went to college, but after drinking too much, lost his football scholarship. He ended up forty pounds overweight and working at a car wash, a job he lost when incriminating Polaroids surfaced.
  • William became one of the most popular students at Harvard. He formed his own computer company that has made him worth millions and he is dating a super model.

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Twenty Five Options

I think I’ve already lost you which just makes me think that I’m finally scared now, for how my life is going to be. I know that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, though, the reason may be that I’m just stupid and make bad decisions. I know that I should just think that you miss me, that you’ll call me. If you want me, you’ll say it. If you care, you’ll show it. And if not, you aren’t worth my time. I just keep hoping that you’ll call. Hoping that you miss me. The worst part in life seems to be all of this waiting. I am not a very patient person.  I know the best part will be who I had been waiting for, though. Maybe I just need a vacation, and by vacation I mean I need to move away. I need to move away to a beach, with lots of whiskey. All of this shit that has been happening I just need to flush it and move on. But, garsh, oh my god, it has been so hard when something will not leave my mind. When I want something, I will not stop until I get it. I know my Prince is not coming on a white horse, but he must be coming on a turtle and that’s why it’s just taking so long for us to be together. I should know that no person is coming to save me. This life of mine is one hundred percent my responsibility.   I need to know when to give up and have this margarita. When plan “A” fails, there are twenty-five more letters to choose from. And now I’ll just do what’s best for me. I know that the biggest mistakes I have made is letting people stay in my life for longer than they deserve. I may lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side, but these days will never happen again.


Five Rules To Ignore

Growing up we are all taught our manners, some of us a little more than others.  Us women are most of the time always expected to be ladies; skirts, smiles, hair in buns all that jazz.  Well, you’re looking at the wrong young lady.  I’m not saying I wasn’t raised correctly. I know my “please” and “thank you’s”.  But I also am not afraid to speak my mind, at times too much.  There are quite a few other “lady” habits that I seem to wear away from in this day and age:

Shy away from gossip:
I am usually one jumping into the pool when it comes to this topic of conversation. “OMG!  Did you hear that she did something with him last week while they were in this one place all day?”  Then I can’t wait to post it on one of my numerous social networks just to spread it more into the world.  We’re all like this in some sort of way, no matter how much we claim to keep a secret.  There is always one person that we have to get this juicy, little piece deep inside of our soles out of us before it eats our whole brain.  I, must admit, that a good way to get these out of our system is journaling.  Real people can always become fiction.

Be intelligent, but not a know-it-all:
I already know that I’m not a know-it-all.  But as soon as I learn something new, something that seems so interesting, I have to tell the world.  I have to get it out of my system.  You all know that I’ve already forgotten what I did ten minutes ago, so whose to think that this glorious piece of gold that has just dug it’s way into my brain will even stay there?  I must spread it around before it’s gone.  In a way, it’s like I’m gossiping, this one piece is not only more interesting, but you would be learning from it.  It’s a win win.

Do not swear; class is defined
Well eff this crap.  These days, I’m not afraid to cuss a loogie in front of my mom.  She sure has raised a damn good lady here.  So, I guess this makes me, Dick class?  I’m sure even our glorious Queen Elizabeth has dropped the eff bomb once or twice in her 80 years on our Earth.  I can only imagine her, sitting at her kitchen table in the  evening, perusing through the paper and stumbling across an article about her ever so handsome grandson Prince Harry.  He has, again been caught stumbling himself drunk around with crowd of busty blondes.  She sets down the paper and stares across the table at Charles, taking a deep sigh before saying “I am getting too old for this shit.”

Never kiss a gentleman until the third date:
Again, I suppose I am not a “proper lady” in this day and age.  When I have finally gotten a response to a phone number I had handed over to the nice looking gentleman I had seen, or an email I had sent on my millionth dating site, then after I have finished exploding with excitement, I go out on a date.  My usual first date with a gentleman is just the two of us meeting for a few drinks.  This gives us the simple chance just to sit, chit chat and get to know each other. As this first date begins to come to its end, I can feel that, that moment is approaching. I can feel something happening inside me.  There’s a feeling of fireworks starting to implode in my stomach when I look into your eyes.  I don’t know what makes me want to just pull you close to me and kiss you.  But I do, and that moment is even more magical. So, screw you third date.  This was the best first date a woman could ask for.

Stay well groomed:

I am told to stay well groomed while I sit here writing this, my hair thrown into a clumped together pile while I’m wearing the same jeans I’ve had on for the past five days and the t-shirt I slept in.  I also didn’t clean off my makeup from my fun evening last night until I awakened at 1:30 this afternoon.  My underwear is clean, though.  But there shall be no worries, for the interview I have tomorrow, I do know how dapper I will be for that.

I feel that I am a lady when I need to be.  But when I don’t feel like being a lady, then screw this world and I’ll just sit on my couch without my pants

Shining My Sparkle

There are 6,775,235,842 people in the world. So why am I letting one of them ruin my life? It’s better to end something and start another than to imprison myself in hoping for the impossible. Sometimes I have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they use to be. I just have to inhale the future, and exhale the past. If I can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much I can love the right one. Sometimes I just miss the memories, not the person. I still have a place for you in my heart, just not in my life. To heal a wound, I need to stop playing with this damn band-aid so much. You’re going to be sorry that you lost me, so I need to stop worrying and just forget the past, forget all of that pain and remember what an incredible woman I am. I am awesome.

Sometimes, the best way to get someone’s attention is to stop giving them mine. The moment I feel like I have to prove my worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away, I really do miss what we almost had. If I wouldn’t have left you so many times, perhaps we’d be more. It hurts when I have someone in my heart, but I can’t have them in my arms. Some days I can’t stop thinking about you but other days I wonder why I’m wasting my time. I can’t let anyone dull my sparkle. We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves around the sea and I don’t believe in miracles. I know there’s a guy out there who’s going to be really happy that I didn’t get back together with my crappy ex-boyfriend. I’m making changes in my life so if you don’t hear from me, then you know you’re one of them. Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9. I can’t just kill myself over this guy, I know he’d just bring another girl to my funeral. I can’t get all depressed over a guy from my past. That’s like being sad because the garbage man picked up the trash. Have a nice life. I’m done trying to be in it.


My One Addiction

“Hey, how you doin?” I think that will always be my standard pick up line. If you don’t know whose un-fall-for-able line that is, than I pity you. It’s almost like you never owned a TV. So what was all of your furniture pointed at? Apparently, you’re not very lonely, awkward or as desperate for love as I am on most days. But I have my perk. I’m still out searching for my Crap Bag, and I will find him some day. If you know why a Crap Bag is a good thing, then you all know I would be his Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Until then, though, I will pivot through life, searching through countless ugly, naked guys. I know for sure I’ll be careful to make sure they don’t have VD. If anything, I could always escape life for relaxation and fresh air to Yemen. Or I could just take a nap with my best friend. Because, until I find my lobster, you guys are stuck with me.


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