I figured since I’m so bored on this dismal, cloudy day that I would visit my sister at Starbucks. Plus, it would mean that I would get a free caramel macchiato. It had better be free, since I decided to drive all the way to a Southfield branch when there are three Starbucks across the street from me. Yet I will travel thirty minutes to another. It is all for family. And free coffee. Though I wasted the same amount in gas, considering with today’s prices it does cost basically the same. So, I do pretty much pay for my espresso. You’re welcome America!
I also feel that after this, even though I’m getting my Burst of Energy in this drink, I still feel the need to make another 7-11 stop. Looking at my MapQuest (which I see Google has taken over) there is NO 7-11 on Southfield road! None! I know there is another Starbucks, yet no 7-11. Greenfield, the next main road east has two within two – almost three miles of each other! What is it with this state?! It’s putting itself more and more on my “I Hate” list. Which I should really compile one day. I have made my “Things to Do before 50” list, which I should get started on.
My head keeps making plans for this afternoon, which helps to keep me away from the mall, which helps me to not spend what little money I have. My class cost a little more than I had thought. I guess I could apply for student loans or those scholarships I’m always hearing about. If my television wasn’t always on, my brain would be clearer. Hell, if I didn’t have my blood clot, my brain would be clearer.
I thought months ago about writing my guy mistakes, all five of them, maybe just four. Sad that I can’t remember. Greg, Steve, Chris, That one dude I met on Match (I’ll remember his name!) I swear there was another. I probably just want to put Nick in here because I always still think the “What if”?
I know I’m with him now, who I know I love. But then I can’t get out of my head all the crap he does that bugs me. How he never seems to listen. Has no imagination. Always has to criticize everything. It’s because he’s such a technical guy where as I’m an imagination lady. I think of the world in color, where as he thinks of it as black and white. I think I’m just still pissed over how he feels HE has to redo MY resume HIS way. HE bets I’ll get a response RIGHT away. This state sucks! The only response I’ll get is a “Sorry, we’re not hiring…” I’m at the point where I feel like he’s trying to control everything. If I want help, thanks. If not, leave me alone! Not to mention, he thinks I don’t trust him. Well, I trusted him enough to call him instead of my mom or sister last night when I wasn’t’ feeling right. I felt like I needed someone to come over, someone to come sit with me. I received nothing. He didn’t offer to come over, told me it would go away. He has no idea what goes on in my head or how I feel. Yet he has to compare it to how HE had ONE before. ONE! I’ve had countless seizures in many different forms. So now he can’t get mad when I run to my mother for help instead of him.
I look at my friends and the guys that they’re with and I wonder if they’re in the same boat. I sometimes feel I don’t even feel like we have an actual conversation unless I’m also just focusing on the negatives, which I tend to do.
I like ice water. I take that back; I prefer the ice, though I get upset when I’m cold. The air conditioning doesn’t help. I think I’m sitting right under it. I should just go back to my house where it always feels like its 90 degrees.
I play with my toenails constantly. My toenails and my eyebrows, I feel the constant need to pick at them. I never feel like they look good. Yet I can chew my finger nails down to nothing.
Why can’t my sister Starbucks be closer? I’ve tried to convince her to switch to one that is more in my region. I would go sit there for hours a day to free my mind if she wasn’t so damn far. She’s not hours away, but I don’t feel like driving thirty minutes for coffee! If I wasn’t broke this week, I would be out there. This is why I need a nice chair on my front porch or a picnic table. If I could figure out how my favorite frapachino thing was made I would get my own frapachine maker.
How do I know what a defining time in my life is supposed to be? I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I guess I could take that back; I do live on my own, as most people my age should be doing. I have my own home, a nice little two bedroom that the previous owners seemed to have done a lot on. I do know that my home still needs its work. It’s fifty years old, so what fifty year old home doesn’t? I am still glad to be living on my own. But I still need to learn how to be a grown up. I can see that hill of 30 years calling my name in the next few months, so I know I need to gain some knowledge quickly. Of what, I still have no idea. I don’t think I will ever be an adult. So long as I pay my bills on time, mow my lawn, I am cared for.
Me deciding to live alone was a good thing. I still do feel I need my parents, as easily frustrated as I can be. I feel I am asking for them less and less, though. I feel I am using me more. About damn time.