My Normal Life

A Left on Rejection

I don’t even think what is living inside me is real.  I don’t even know that if this bubble in my heart starts to boil whenever I come across him is just another mistake that I have stumbled upon on this stupid road of love that I have been lost on for what seems like forever. But when I see him, this smile does not seem to want to leave me.  I cannot seem to get rid of it, no matter how hard I try to wipe it off.  I don’t want him to know, though.  I don’t want him to know what this is inside that is growing for him.  I only don’t want him to because I don’t want to get the feed back that I am oh so used to: 

  Wow, I don’t think I saw this coming.  I really  do appreciate it, but I wouldn’t want to ruin this friendship that we have.  I hope you can   understand that.

Of course I understand, you overly intelligent dumb-ass!  I’m so used to all these rejections that I have had thrown into my face throughout my life that I don’t even know how I would react if the person I was expressing my feelings towards told me that they felt exactly the same way.  I never know how to respond to a message I receive from overly good looking men on these multiply dating sites that I am a member of.

Yet, this little piece of emotion inside me, I do not know what to do with.  So I just continue to sit, skulk away at your happy face as I come upon what you have accomplished for the day.  You have done so much more that I know I will never do.  All that I have done throughout the week, I know that you are able to do in just a day with how quickly you move in your life.  This is why the emotion of rejection has mounted in my mind.  Why I do not want to express my feelings for you builds its own little home in my stomach, makes itself comfortable, knowing that I will do nothing to get rid of it.  The rejections that I know I will receive  add themselves to the pile.  The thoughts of feelings that I know you have in your mind for another person are added to the pile.  This is added to the pile that is so high in my mind with all the other no’s that I have received in my life, so I just continue on, alone down this road that I know most call Rejection but I never refer to it as that.  For I know that I am not being rejected.  I may be being declined, but if I was being rejected then I would need to feel like I have not accomplished one of the more important things in life.  But I will move on.  I know there will be another diamond in my rough.  Even if I have to set aside the one that I had my eyes upon, set aside the one that I had been gazing at from afar and tried so hard not to touch, I will move on.  I will continue on for this search of wherever this other half is no matter how long it takes.  When I see you, though, I will try not to let my dreams start like they have in the past.  I will try to not imagine what we could be.  For I know, this is one task on my list I do not think I will be able to accomplish in this life.

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