My Normal Life

My Heart Makes No Sense

I think I’ve had a crush on you since, maybe, tenth grade. So that would be fourteen years. Not fourteen straight years, though. My emotions have an on and off switch. I am not constantly sitting around with you on my mind, my heart and dreams set on you. Plus, since this feeling is merely a “crush’, I have never felt the need to pursue you.

Or should I?

This thought has been entering my mind more often lately. I just do not wish to travel down that road only to have to make a U-turn just when I thought I had made it the finish line I have been trying to cross for what feels like eighty years.

I have seen the type you generally have your arms around. I have also run across you on one of those (numerous) dating sites I am about to give up on; Plenty of Match Harmony or something, who knows. I got so excited seeing you were chosen as who they thought was a person I might be interested in! I never know how they figure these things out. How are these two people meant to be? Why do they feel that their hearts will blend so well together?

My excitement was building as I continued reading your profile. I felt like I was meeting a new you. Also seeing some old you. The old you that I had grown accustomed to after all these years, high school and on.

Then I came to the section I hate the most on these sites: desired body type. I know looks can matter. But not by a picture. First you cannot judge a book by its cover. To me. A picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, how does one know that this person they are really looking at is not the one that could one day perhaps be the one that is going to stab them while they sleep?

You can be my friend, but you cannot date me? You will hug me nonstop, but if I ever tried to kiss you, how would you react?

Now I know I’m sounding like a stalker, don’t get your hopes up. I just wonder if you ever knew. I think you did. I just don’t know if I still do. I know I love you. You’re a very good friend. I just have, in that stupid dating section of my mind, a portion where I wonder how I would react if you ever asked me out. Or, even if I ever pulled mine out and asked you. It has only taken me fourteen years.

And now moving onto you; the one who’s never here. How would you ever know that there was a person here that you could get to know? I also have no way to tell you that I sort of like you. It is just a crush, I need to move on. But, yours is a Facebook page I stay on, to read just to “get to know you”.

You should be thankful that I’m able to remember the day that I met you. When I can’t remember yesterday, yet I can remember a night that was more than three years ago, a night when the amounts of alcohol consumed was a lot, this must mean you where a person that my mind does not want to let go of. This was July 4th, a night to celebrate the independence of our country.

I was the first guest to arrive, even before the host. You were the only other person here. He was having you stay with him until the next time you knew you were to leave again. You are here and you are away. Traveling around this world. Something I would love to do, yet the only thing I seem to be qualified for, while looking into that, is a travel agent! I’m not really the sales person type.

I walked into his house and the first thing I saw was your eyes. I am always drawn into your bright, blue eyes. You are always happy as well, a mood I rarely am in. I have my reasons. But, your eyes seemed to pull me in. Suddenly, I don’t know why, started having my imagination right away of you and I. I was starting to picture a happy me. Which there can be. In order for there to be one, though, I need a partner. That’s where you can come in.

I am just a little afraid to share these feelings with you. I can hunt around on my dating sites for a random guy I have yet to speak with, yet I cannot walk up or email you just to say that I have this enormous crush on you. The world would then implode.

I know that this doesn’t make sense. It’s just me emptying out that one portion of my brain that is too filled with the loneliest love that it has been trying for for these past fifteen years. I need to make room for the next one that maybe I’ll come across tomorrow when I might decide to leave my empty little cave.


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