I figured since I’m so bored on this cloudy, dismal day, that I would just go and visit my sister at Starbucks. Plus, it means I would get my Carmel macchiato free. I drive all the way to Southfield, when I’m sure there are three other Starbucks around me. Yet I will still travel thirty minutes to another. It’s all for family. And free coffee. Yet I waste the same amount in gas, considering in today’s prices it cost basically the same. So, I did pretty much pay for my espresso. You’re welcome America!
I also feel that after this, even though I’m getting my jump start on life in this drink, I will still make another 7-11 stop. Yet looking on my MapQuest (which I see Google has conquered) NO 7-11 on Southfield road! None! I know there’s another Starbucks up a few blocks, yet no 7-11. Yet Greenfield, the next main road east has two within two miles, three almost! What is with this state? It’s putting itself more and more on my “I Hate” list. I should compile that one day. I have my “Things to Do Before 50” list, which I should also get started on.
I still wish her Starbucks wasn’t so far. I would go sit here an hour a day to free my mind if she wasn’t so damn far. Also, if I wasn’t so broke this week I would be here. This is why I need a nice chair on my front porch, or a picnic table. If I could just figure out how my favorite frap chino was made, I would also get one of those fancy machines and just make it all myself.
I had thought months ago about writing “My Guy Mistakes”, all five of them, maybe just four. Sad that I can’t remember how many there have been. Chris, Tony, Gary, That one dude I met on Match (I’ll remember his name!) but I swear there was another. I probably just want to put Kevin in here because I still always think the “what if”? I know I’m with Brian now, who I know I love. But then I can’t get out of my head all of the crap he does that bothers me. How he never seems to listen, though I think that’s natural for all men. He has no imagination. He always seems to have to criticize everything. It’s because he’s such a technical guy, whereas I’m more imaginative. I think of the world in color, where as he thinks of it as black and white. I also think I’m just so blown up over how he feels that he has to redo my resume his way. He bets I will get a response right away. This state sucks! The only response I would probably get is another “Sorry we’re not hiring.”
I’m at the point where I feel like he’s trying to control everything about me. If I want help, thanks, if not, leave me alone! Not to mention, he thinks I don’t trust him. Well, I trusted him enough to call him instead of my mom last night when I felt like I wasn’t feeling right. I felt like my head was not being in its right state, and I know what those states can mean. I felt I needed someone, like I shouldn’t be alone. I got nothing. He didn’t offer to come over, just told me it would all go away. He has no idea what goes on in my mind. He has no idea how I feel. Yet he compares this all to how he still thinks he had one before. ONE! I have had countless seizures in many different forms. So, no he cannot get mad when I run to my mom instead of him.
I look at my friends and their guys, I wonder if they’re like me and him. Sometimes I don’t even feel like we ever have actual conversations. Unless I’m just focusing on the negatives, which we all know that I tend to do.
I play with my toenails constantly. My toenails and my eyebrows. I feel the constant need to pick at them. I never feel like they look good. My ladies at a nail salon I have very frequent visits to usual greet me with a very friendly “Here for eyebrow?” This just goes to show that I am not good at doing it myself.
How do I know what a defining time in my life is supposed to be? I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I guess I can take that back, I have lived on my own. I had a nice little two bedroom that the previous owners seem to have done so much to, and I thank them for that. I do know my home still needs work. It’s fifty years old, so what fifty year old home doesn’t need work? I’m still glad that it’s my home and that I am now able to rent it. I may not feel able to live on my own, but I still feel that I can “own” a home.
I have crossed that hill of 30 years, I still have loads of knowledge in this life to gain. Of what, I have no idea. I don’t think I will ever be an adult. But, so long as those bills are paid, that home is cared for, then I am cared for. I still feel that I live “alone”, having this whole upper half to myself. I do feel I need my parents as I can be easily frustrated. I still feel, though, that I am using me more and more.
A thought often makes us hotter than fire. Well, Mr. Longfellow; what makes my thoughts cool down? Or, what even makes me think better? I am one who never seems to have a good thought on their plate. I always seem to have the bad see of the apple. I don’t know why. I tell myself to look on the upside, but then I continue to gaze at the negatives.
Which makes me wonder sometimes, what is really in those stars up in the sky. Are the answers to life out there?