My Normal Life

I Get Butterflies Thinking of Myself

Dear Whoever,

I know you’re out there. Where, I would like to know. A lot of people keep telling me that my “right person” will come along. Sometimes, though, I think he got hit by a bus or something. I am at the mid-point of my life that I feel I should have already accomplished so much. I cannot have any grandchildren by the time I’m 50 because I do not have any children at my ripe old age of 30 since I was not even close to being married at my middle youth of 25. That seemed to be the “cool” thing that everyone was doing back then, anyway. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I do not care what you think of me. Unless you think I’m awesome. Let’s not deny this.

What is this “love” that all of you seem to be shoving in my face these past few months? This love and happiness, where love is a passionate affection for another, or even a sexual passion? It’s starting to make me feel like I have a repellent on me that keeps men away. Well this all just seems to lower my joy, my pleasure over a particular object. These just remind that my life flat out sucks. Okay, this “portion” of my life. I know all the rest is just super fan-fabulous, but these two levels of bliss and affection I never seem able to accomplish.

Especially with you still sniffing around. I thought I had finally managed to rid my heart of you but, of course, you found some way to weasel your way back into my mind. It makes me want to tell you that I saw something that reminded me of you, but then I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I do not want this. Considering you have another person who you are supposed to be focusing all of your attention and emotions on. The moment our eyes met, however, I felt my heart skip that stupid beat and I felt the lights around us dimming as we became the only two in our bar. I do not want this. I thought I had a sign over my head that says “Do Not Enter”. You are happy. I am…in between. The love portion of my mind is starting to piece together what two people, who were put on this world for each other, are supposed to be doing. This war on the other side of the world is nothing in comparison to what I feel is pulsating inside my inpatient heart and your indecisive mind.

But what? You have her. I do not want you to stop that. Plus, given how many times I have taken your heart and treated it like it was nothing, perhaps another me and you is not option. How are we to know, though? A person is not to know unless they try. This makes me think that God must love stupid people because he made so many of them and you had to be one that couldn’t stay away from me.

I am willing to give our hearts another effort but my phone has been empty. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone, smile and then walk into the wall. Your mind seems too made up. We both know that it is not that difficult to call or email a person. I had the guts to express my feelings, so I guess, maybe, the world really does knows who the man in this relationship was. I may know how to show you the world, but maybe I do need to show you the door.

Sincerely,

The Bitch Making Her Way around the Beautiful, Happy World.

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