I really do want to be a nice person most of the time, but everyone around me just seems stupid. I’m not talking about everyone everyone, just the ones on this dating road that I’m lost on. The road that I am obsessed with. I’m just glad that I have finally accepted the fact that finding a suitable man in this town shares the same odds with finding a unicorn. I do sometimes wonder if I’m only still single because nobody likes me, or because I like nobody? I mean, come on Mr. Love Fairy, there are 8 planets in our solar system, our Earth has 204 countries with 7 billion people and in our little United States there is 316 million yet I am still single!
I see these Facebook conversations, though, where the dating people are all posting about how much they love when their boyfriend or girlfriend is posting how much he or she loves them. Well, do you want to know what I love so much in my life? I love it when my pizza guy brings me my pizza fifteen whole minutes early. That cute guy gets a big tip. Maybe even my number, if he’s lucky. I am not afraid to admit there are A LOT of those lucky guys out there who have my number in their hand. They always seem to lose it or leave it at work. Must be why I don’t get a call from them.
Or maybe it’s because they don’t like big butts, they just shouldn’t lie. I am not going to ever stop shaking this big booty whenever I get the chance. I am also glad at times that I have my big thighs. I recall this one time, I almost dropped my phone into the toilet but thankfully, I was able to catch it. I do, at times, wonder why when those mosquitos are on their hunt to take over the world they have found their meal for the night, why can’t they suck the fat out of me instead of blood, though. I’m on blood thinners. These creepy bugs could kill me one day!
Nevertheless, 99% of socks are single and you never hear them crying. So why am I always sitting around stalking my Facebook again to see how peoples weekends were just to see that theirs were great yet I haven’t seen anyone for two days. Anyone except my Netflix and my couch. Unless you count me seeing the cashier at one of my four standard 7-11’s. Just remember this people; there is only one me.
But come on; Single? Taken? Who cares, I’m awesome! I do like to tell my ex this, as well: good luck in your future, in finding someone as hot as me who knows how to put up with all of your crap! We both knew that no age is ever good to get married at. You just have to be a fool to get married. But I do, I really, really do. So Romeo, my Romeo, where the hell art thou?
I do sometimes want to tell some single girls to stop whining about how they should give up and just get a cat. If no man wants them then they should not force a poor, innocent cat to live with them. I feel bad about this, since I have enforced my sadness and “Why can’t I find him!?” thoughts on my Luda-“Fluffykins”-Cris and C-Lo-“Fatty”-Meow. They, too, are men that just don’t understand. They only want to eat, sleep and play with themselves all day. Typical.
With this dreaded New Year’s approaching I begin to wonder why all of a sudden some single ladies are always, “Oh no! It’s December! I need a boyfriend to keep me warm.” No you don’t, just buy a damn coat like the rest of us single people. They are on sale. We also must brace ourselves as I can predict the “I’m so alone!” on New Year’s posts are coming. One of those from me after a few drinks, more than likely.
What it all comes down to this; Am I single? Yes. Which does give me the chance to stalk the five guys, who I will one day call my man, online.