I sometimes wish I could turn back my life just a few notches. Maybe ten, maybe twelve, but just enough years to see if where I am now will turn off differently. I wasn’t alone in my high school, but I wasn’t anyone’s number one. I felt like I had a few chosen ones, the ones that I could call and there’d be something to do on the weekend. I didn’t have a certain group that I belonged to. I belonged to all of them. I see how high school is thrown in our faces these days, the super geeks, the over extreme jocks, the “vamps” or whatever they call these Goth children now. But I feel I had a person from each of these groups that was programmed into my just starting out cellular phone.
Then, high school ends, and I have no one. We all floated our separate ways. One’s college is here, the others is over there, and another’s is way over there. I thought the whole point of college was to meet our new people. Apparently I must have this repellent and I didn’t seem to create this best friendness with anyone.
Returning home, I thought I still had my people. However, I returned to an empty hole. My Saturday nights are the loneliest, most boring nights this nation has. Marriages, children, love, happiness, it does not seem to want to leave all the lives around me
I miss my youth. I miss high school. I miss my friends. I wish I would have stayed away, stayed away at my first school that I chose. I feel that I would not be in this empty hole. I would have a much brighter mind. I would be on display every day. Or not be. I might even have my own little tadpoles already swimming around me. Which would mean I would be able to make myself feel better about myself. Nevertheless, I am a quitter. I ran away. I now walk down this road alone, not even knowing where I want to end up. I do not even know what to look for. I don’t know who to look for. Where is this Waldo of mine?
Maybe not finding him is why I have been depressed. Though, I sometimes wonder if my anti-depressants that I’m on are even working. These past few days I have only wanted to stay on my couch and try to sob all my troubles away. The loneliness I feel, the ache my heart beats every day, the anger the tiniest issue I can be set off by. Why has this returned? I thought the happiness portion of my brain had been fixed! Now, the sadombis seem to be taking over again. My addiction to Facebook seems to only feed him. It seems to only seed Sadombie and Unemploystein. These two just feast away at my insides, turning on all my bad ideas. Making me want more and more of what I know I should not have. There two…monsters make me feel that only my McDonald will increase my feelings, make the love fairy I sent out finally deliver that message correctly. Or maybe this fifth glass of cola is the fifth magical one that will increase my level of happiness inside to motivate me enough to continue that search for this employment that seems to be on the top shelf, just out of my reach. Maybe now, I am the chosen one.
I usually have no problem, trying to grasp hold of that ball of happiness. On the other hand, I apparently burst open the jar of sadness inside.