I am totally sick of sleeping alone. My pillow does not count as another one’s arms wrapped around me. Every night is me laying alone in the dark with my empty heart, repeatedly telling myself, “Please don’t still be in love with him.” I can’t help but wonder if he ever misses me, though. I know he does. I was his perfection, I keep telling myself to keep my ego at its high level. But maybe I only think I’m still in love with him because I can’t seem to figure out how to spell it. I know you can’t spell love until you feel it. Do I? Is love supposed to be when aggravation and happiness are together? Am I supposed to want to keep him all to myself? Yet when he is, I want absolutely nothing to do with him, I do not want to touch him, but no other person is allowed to? I know that no other person can make me laugh, make me smile or even drive me completely insane like his does. No other person makes the butterflies flutter around in my stomach the moment he kisses me. When our lips are pressed and his hands are on my cheeks, I know that no other person has my heart in those moments. Maybe, though, I’m not ready to love him. Maybe I only love him because I’m lonely. Am I supposed to want to throw my phone through a wall when we’re having an hour long conversation about the same thing, over and over, him just trying to change my stubbornness about something, yet I find that I am unable to hang-up?
I sometimes feel that I’ve been dreaming of this love that is lost. The phone calls, the emails. Yet I dream of it as well. You are my biggest “what if”? Is it still in the air, hovering over us day in, day out? You are the one I loved but, I’m sorry, I do want to get over you. Deep inside my black hole I know that you are not the one that was put on this planet for me. Eventually my soul mate and I will meet, hanging out at our favorite spots one day. Whether it be wandering aimlessly around Barnes and Noble, hunting for a book I do not need, or being out at another of my random 7-11’s for my daily visit, he will be there.
I know this technical singleness I am is my heart being taken by someone I cannot call my own. I often think about what we almost were. I find my mind wandering into my future, seeing you there. Then I see my past and how my feelings were for you. The love was there, I could feel it trying to chiseled its way through my system, but something was trying to hold it in the same spot inside me. The little things. I know that I have to remind myself, along with everything in life, that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. My phone would ring, it was always you. Two hours later, conversation would end and I would never know what else to do with my day.
I know you know that I don’t miss you. I miss the person I thought I was learning to spend the rest of my life with. As this year comes to an end, our months grow further apart I keep telling myself that the less I care, the happier I will be. I just thought you would like to know, though, that you’ve never left my mind since our very first day.
Just because something ends doesn’t mean it never should have been. We lived, we learned, I grew and now I’m trying to move on. Each night I put my head on my pillow, my day rolling through my mind, I tell myself that I’m strong without you, because I am. I know that we’re not friends. I don’t think every time I say I’m done, I find myself wanting to try again. I know that we’ll never even be haters. I will never hate you. Maybe we’ll just be strangers with memories.
It’s time to move on. I know that it is. I just hate that it seems so easy for you to be fine without me. You seem to be able to move onto another path as I sit in my middle of loss. But I will cheer up my hotness! I will love again and he will be magnificent! Everyone else will be so jealous of me! I know that it is time to move on. So get off my lazy ass and just leave whoever behind. Perhaps one of these days, one of these pennies, shooting stars, wishbones or birthday candles will do their job so one of my wishes will come true and when I trip to stumble on the ground, my Prince will be the one to help me to my feet.