My Normal Life

Wasting My Happiness

These days, at the beginning of this New Year, the world seems to have turned and just left me here. Thank you World. I haven’t really needed much from you these past few years. I haven’t needed a new organ, or a million dollars. I would just like something simple; happiness. The same thing I complain about every day. I know I say some days may be going well. I am a good liar.

Then I can’t stop dreaming, these 99 dreams that I have. I keep dreaming that I have crossed your mind. I cross your mind every time you look in the mirror.   I have no idea who your dream lady is, but I do know that as soon as you set your eyes upon me, you will not be able to take them off of me. Love will start to seep into the air.

My ratings on a ten scale have made me not as choosy in my empty world. If you rated a six for me, I would give you my number. I would email a guy that is a five. A guy’s conversation is drawing me over and I see that he rates a seven. Of course, who is to say one girls five is not another girls ten? We all have our own favorite flavors.

I’m used to my bulging, bleeding lump in my head. I just wonder if it was put there to shove me down this path of confusion and loss. Was I already supposed to find my true match, yet keep making the wrong turn? He needs to say something to help me find him because I am about to give up this search.

At some point, I know I have to realize that some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life. I still want them out of there. Some days, I can’t stop thinking about them, though. Other days I wonder why I’m wasting my time. I know I still love you, but I just don’t want to anymore. It hurts but that’s okay; I’m used to it.

I know that only I can control my happiness. I don’t want to ruin a good day by thinking of a bad yesterday. I always seem to, though. I always dwell on the past, asking myself, “What if I had…” and keep the smile turned down. I know I have to realize that another person can turn it upside down, one day that will happen.

I wish, out of all of these 50, unorganized boxes my grandma has left us, one of them would have a genies lamp inside. My grandma was a very unusual lady, so why wouldn’t she have one? I tell myself every day that love is not the road to happiness. But will it help me off of this road of loneliness? I have heard some complain about the love path they walked down, I know they do not want to return. I also know of some that will never leave this road in their lives. Their smiles will never be off of their faces. I don’t think mine will ever be on mine.


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