My Normal Life

I Am Not Alone

I am not alone. I always have someone to turn to. But why do I feel like I have no person I can empty all this gloom that seems not leave my insides on? I have no person who is calling me every day just to see how my day is going or even so they can empty their sorrows to me.

I am never the first one who is ever chosen. I am not even the second or third. If chosen at all, I do except, but only to awaken my ass to see this mysterious sun outside that I hardly ever get the chance to see.

This is what makes me feel alone. When my text message is sent, if responded to at all, it might be days later. I notice with some others, though, they seem replied to as soon as the ball is dropped. It is wondered why I am so negative about everything. Well, if when I am given some positive in my life, one day this aspect will be reversed. Until then, I have nothing to smile about.

I have just always wanted one: a best friend. My other half. They look like so much fun. They seem so much cheaper than a therapist. Television shows make them seem so easy to come by; your sibling, high school, work, the coffee place. Well apparently I have cooties or something. Perhaps I am one point away from being a bestie. Maybe it’s because I do not have a boyfriend or children. I notice having one of those attached to you might draw another person in.

I know I can sometimes have attitude that everyone has to like me. Every person that I have just met, must like me right now or else this world will end. I think I just do not understand why I can sometimes be in the middle of conversation with a person and they can just walk away, while I am still in mid-sentence, almost as if they were not listening to a single word.

I need to stop acting this way. I am not five years old any more. This is not my first day of school. I do know that I have a friend I can fall back on. I may not be the best one, but I know that they love me.

I remember that I last said I love you to my mom. I really do love her. She gives so much work for me and I feel like I do not do enough for her. So I will just give her a big hug while I shout “I love you mom!” to the whole world. I will never regret this. My mom is my best friend. She is my only friend, I do feel at times, so I will never regret how many times I have to tell her I love her. I know she won’t care, either.

She has always been there, even through my lowest days. She tries to perk me up, turn this frown upside down. My mom always seems to know the difference between a day when my mood can be changed so easily or the other days where she may have to work a little tougher. But she never gives up.

She definitely knows almost all about my relationship status, which is at level zero. I think it will always be at this level. I think I will forever live with my parents. I am sure, eventually, our roles will be reversed and I will be the one in charge of the “grown up” responsibilities. I will be the one that needs to cook dinner, the one that needs to pay the bills. One day.

Love them as much as I do, I would rather already be sitting on my own couch with my husband and our two children. I feel I should have already walked down this path in life. Two things I never know if I will check off my list.

I know I shouldn’t think about what I should have done two years ago, as I sit and eat my normal, delicious dinner; pizza. Pizza helps to calm my depressing attitude. It seems to sink lower as I scan over this Facebook that I can never draw myself away from. When I have nothing else to do throughout my days, except my candy games and everyone else’s lives, this is all that I have. Perusing through it does not help to boost my self-esteem. It all just makes me circle back to being on this lonely road of life.

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