My Normal Life

Do I Want A Or B?

What happens when you have feelings for more than one person? Does this mean you should express your emotions toward them both, or just choose whoever the coin you flipped has chosen? Not to mention, there is no guarantee that any of them also share these emotions with you. None of them ever appear to, yet I always seem able to tell him this, when I set my eyes on him, my heart beat will increase, I am unable to speak a complete sentence if even able to look into his eyes. I also feel the need to tell you that I like you. I need to get this out of me before it eats me alive.

I think I’ve had a crush on you since sophomore year. So that would be over fourteen years. Not fourteen straight years, though. My emotions have an on and off switch. I am not constantly sitting around with just you on my mind, my heart and dreams set on you. I know in high school, I didn’t know what this “love” was. Is that term supposed to mean that your heart is “crushed with sorrows and despair?” Plus, since this feeling is merely a “crush’, I have never felt this need to pursue you.

Or should I?

This thought has been entering my mind more often lately. I just do not wish to travel down that road only to have to make a U-turn just when I thought I had made it the finish line I have been trying to cross for what feels like eighty years.

I have seen the type you generally have your arms around. Plus I’ve run across you on one of those (numerous) dating sites I am about to give up on; Plenty of Match Harmony or something, who knows. I got so excited seeing you were chosen as who they thought was a person I might be interested in! I never know how they figure these things out. How are these two people meant to be? Why do they feel that their hearts will blend so well together?

My excitement was building as I continued reading your profile. I felt like I was meeting a new you. Also seeing some old you. The old you that I had grown accustomed to after all these years, high school and on.

Then I came to the section I hate the most on these sites: desired body type. I know looks can matter. But not by a picture. First you cannot judge a book by its cover. To me. A picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, how does one know that this person they are really looking at is not the one that could one day perhaps be the one that is going to stab them while they sleep?

You can be my friend, but you cannot date me? You will hug me nonstop, but if I ever tried to kiss you, how would you react?

Now I know I’m sounding like a stalker, don’t get your hopes up. I just wonder if you ever knew. I think you did. I just don’t know if I still do. I know I love you. You are a very good friend. I just have, in that stupid dating section of my mind, a portion where I wonder how I would react if you ever asked me out. Or, if I ever even pulled mine out and asked you. It has only taken me fourteen years.

I sometimes still wonder if I still truly do have a crush on you. I like to say that I don’t. But then I read your blog, and I smile. I look over your pictures, see the way you’re hugging a person and my insides start to wriggle around. I start to worry that there’s something wrong with me, a certain piece of me that she has that would be a reason why you hug her and not me.

You would hug me in high school. Of course, you hugged everyone. You are the type that likes to wrap their arms around the next person that walks through the door, regardless of gender.

Now moving onto you; the one who is never here. How would you ever know that there was a person on the same planet as you that you could get to know? I also have no way to tell you that I sort of like you. It is just a crush, that is all. But, yours is a Facebook page I stay on, to read just to “get to know you”.

You should be thankful that I’m able to remember the day that I met you. When I can’t remember yesterday, yet I can remember a night that was more than three years ago, a night when the amounts of alcohol consumed was a lot, this must mean you were a person that my mind does not want to let go of. This was July 4th, a night to celebrate the independence of our country.

I was the first guest to arrive, even before the host. You were the only other person there. He was having you stay with him until the next time you knew you were to leave again. You are her and you are away, traveling around this world. Something I would love to do, yet the only thing I seem to be qualified for, while looking into that, is a travel agent! I’m not really the sales person type.

I walked into his house and the first thing I saw was your eyes. I am always drawn into your bright, blue eyes. You are always happy as well, a mood I am rarely in. I have my reasons. But, your eyes seemed to pull me in. Suddenly, I don’t know why, I started having my imagination right away of you and me. I was starting to picture a happy me, which there can be. In order for there to be one, though, I need a partner. That’s where you can come in.

I am just a little afraid to share these feelings with you. I can hunt around on my dating sites for a random guy I have yet to speak with, yet I cannot walk up or email you just to say that I have this enormous crush on you. The world would then implode.

I know that this doesn’t make sense. It’s just me emptying out that one portion of my brain that is too filled with the loneliest love that it has been trying for these past fifteen years. I need to make room for the next one that maybe I’ll come across tomorrow when I might decide to leave my empty little cave.


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