I sometimes wonder what it’s like to be attractive enough to have random people have crushes on you. I would never know. Except they never have the balls to tell me. I wish they would, though. I am one that has the guts to leave my number for the cute guy that I have spoken with at the bar, but that gentleman was not hanging well to give his to me. Unless apparently he did not wish to.
I get no calls, no texts, nothing. But I do still think about you like crazy. I can’t remember where I took off my pants last night, but I can still remember our last conversation from three days ago. I don’t hate you for maybe not loving me anymore, but I am really starting to not like myself for still loving you. It’s making me feel so tense and painful. I almost can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Oh, wait; yes I can. It was with you. Perhaps this is why I am not in my bed until well past two, for a sad soul is almost always up past midnight.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I would like to be alone, sometimes, but mostly I would like to be with you. I know that sometimes all I can do is just smile, try to move on with my day, shove my tears back inside and pretend that I’m okay. There may be people around me to give me my hugs, but to me, there really is no one in sight.
This is all your fault. You have made me fall so deeply down this path of love and then you decide to rip out my heart and throw it back in my face. I know that I cannot get so upset, as I have done this same thing to you countless times.
I know that it’s time for me to be happy again. But how? I’ve heard that the less I care, the happier I’ll be. But how am I supposed to stop caring about the first thing I’ve ever felt this way about? Life does seem to have a funny way of working out when you start to believe it never will. So maybe that’s what I need to do. I know my whole life has in no way gone the way I’ve wanted it to go and that’s okay. Yes it is. I have to keep telling myself that.
These hard times might require only one thing: dancing. I have seen this work out for most people. We’re just supposed to dance it all out. I know life has its funny way of working out just when I start believing it never will. So maybe my road will end where I want it to.
I do know that tomorrow, I will wake up and be awesome.