Today I was depressed. I was also optimistic. Is being both of these possible? My head does tend to go back and forth. It never seems to want to make up its mind. Either up, or down. One or the other. I would just like one day where I could spend it in the up zone. Where nothing could bring me down.
I am really confused about my life right now. I still feel that I’m lost on the same path. I want to give up on my two searches for, my lobster and my calling. When one seems almost in my grasp, somehow it is quickly pulled away.
I think about what I am doing with my life right now: nothing. At least that feels like it. A lot of the time I’m just sitting here or there, not really giving a damn anymore. I sometimes don’t see any point to put forth any effort. After I have given so much and received nothing in return, why bother?
I wonder if my psychic is right. I sometimes believe in this stuff. At least I want to. I just want one to be dead on and say something to me that only I know about myself, then I would really believe them. It is only when they’re giving me the optimist going to happens that I begin to fill with doubt.
I wish what I wish for would come true. When I tossed my penny into the river, I sent my wants all along with it, hoping that what I have been wishing for for what feels like my whole life will finally come true. Maybe this will finally be the last cent I need to toss. Or perhaps I’m not tossing enough.
I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to be. I’m still at a point in my life where the waves have not calmed. My ocean is never the same. Things seem out of control sometimes. Then there are points when I’m so bored, I’m texting my mom every five minutes even while she’s at work.
I believe what I want will happen. I believe my happy days will come. My missing piece in this puzzle of life will soon be filled. I can feel it. There is something inside me that is telling me to keep that optimistic portion of my brain awake. Love is in the air. I just need a net to catch it.
I promise to be the greatest aunt my niece can ever have. I will be the one she can always turn to. I will always be here for her. When her uncle’s finally get wives, they will never stand a chance.
I love myself. Isn’t that all that really matters?