1. Have you tried online? I have chronic eye strain from excessive use of OkCupid, thank you.
2. You have so much freedom. Yeah, I love being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it… by myself.
3. You have to love yourself first. Believe me, I do — almost nightly.
4. Stop being so picky. Right. Because I should really have given that guy — the one who had no problem sticking his finger in his nose multiple times on our first date — a second chance.
5. Never settle. Of course this one always comes from the married friend who is exhausted by the husband she found after she decided to… wait for it… stop being so picky.
6. You need to date a nice guy. Yeah, I tried that but he turned out to be an asshole.
7. You sound a little bitter. That’s because I am. And you telling me that doesn’t help, by the way.
8. Being married is not all it’s cracked up to be. Oh okay, I guess I’ll just give up then.
9. You’re never going to meet someone sitting on your couch so much. Why do you think the UPS guy is delivering twice a week?
10. You need to learn to enjoy being by yourself. But I’m never going to meet someone sitting on my couch!
11. It’s a volume game — you just have to meet as many men as you can and one of them will work. If that were true, I would have been married at 22
12. It’s when you stop looking that it’ll finally happen. Does this work if you stop looking just so it’ll finally happen?
13. Being single is way better than being in a crappy relationship. Oh! I’ll make sure to write that in my journal.
14. You’re still young — you have plenty of time. Every egg in a woman’s body has been there since birth. You were saying?
15. Are you going to the right places? There are “right” places?? OMG. I had no idea. Please give me the addresses of all of them right now. I’m going to go there immediately to get my future husband.