Birds seem to like me. Their gifts that they gave me just showed me how much I know of their love. So many little splots of love all over my car. This just made me think that spring was in the air. Or even, maybe, that one single bird sitting on the branch above my car perhaps had too many tacos the night before. I could see, so many yards away, that my car had, had chocolate rained upon it and I could just imagine how much fun the little birds must have been having. I, too, consume too much on more than one occasion, but never have I ever gone to the bathroom on another person’s car. Not that I recall, anyway. So, now I know how much fun those little, “turdgrals,” were having when, they were more than likely, just sitting around, each having a branch to themselves, chirping their problems away when one of them decided to begin the good old fashion “Truth or Dare”. How mature of them. They would so innocently start with the beginner ones, where their deep inside teenage selves would be dared to kiss one another. Or the truths would be coming out and all their virginities would be on the branches in no time. After a few more small dares is when the big ones would start coming. That’s more than likely when one of the tougher birds would dare one of the smaller birds to crap as much that he had inside of him all over the closets car; mine. And he would, just so he could prove, to himself and the others that he belonged. So, I thank you little birdie out there, for having all of this poo inside if you; three car washes six months later I can still see little pieces of your brown poop on a black car.
They seem to like me at the zoo as well. They are drawn to me, all those wild ones. Even in the new, beautiful bird exhibit, I can sense them all nearing in on me as soon as I enter. It’s almost as is if they’re stalking me, almost as if I am they’re lunch. Not all birds are carnivores, though. I don’t believe the ones flying around my head were looking down on me, thinking, and “hey look! A sandwich!” I was getting the new friend-sense from them, which I would for sure be if one just swooped down and made my shoulder his home. This Polly would for sure receive a cracker from me.
One little birdie that would never receive a gift like this from me, would be the one who had done the worst to me in my life, even worse than what had been done to my car. He had done one of my most embarrassing things I have ever had to endure on what I had felt was beginning to be my most fun filled day at the zoo in a very long time: he pooped on me. And not just a wee bit of poo. This little fowl, whoever he was, piled the most enormous load of crap on me that made me feel as if a heard of ostrich had just flown above me, had they been able to. I was also oblivious to this turd on my face, yes my face, as I thought maybe a bug had hit me in my eye. So I walked around for a few moments, with the piles on me, when my pal pointed out “Hey, you have crap on your face.”
Thank you, Embarrassment Fairy, I could not have asked you for a better day. Please make sure to repeat all of the above on my wedding day.