I am beginning to realize that if at first I don’t succeed; maybe I can change my underpants and I’ll be able to try again. I will not always be perfect. I need to be brave in this life and keep pressing on. Life is tough and I can be, too. I need to stop hating myself for everything that I am not and start loving myself for every little thing that I already am. Stephanie; quit slacking and make all that is rambling on in your head happen! I am slowly working on myself for myself all by myself, and I know that I will come out glittering and fabulous! I will be somebody that nobody thought I could be.
Sometimes I really do think, “screw this…. I will just be a stripper!” But then I remember that I am fat…and I can’t really dance. I get out onto the floor and try to wiggle my big butt around with the bass that is pounding from the speakers. Shaking my ass is the closets I can come to actually dancing. I feel like all eyes are on me, I am center stage, and that I need to put on the best performance that I have inside of myself. If I fail, I sense that’s all I will be remembered as: the fat girl who can’t dance. If I can be on that floor, wiggle all that is inside of me until the end of this horrible song, I will be known as a retired Taylor Swift back up dancer.
Then I remember 315. That is a big number. It’s also the biggest that has appeared on my scale in these past few months. One would think this number would be my motivation to lose this big butt that I sing about at karaoke every week (I cannot lie.) It is not, though. I really have none right now. I don’t like my pants. I do wish I didn’t have to re-stretch my t-shirts after I wash them. I still make the same wish to my fairy, who seems to have been on vacation for the past twenty years, the same wish when my head is on my pillow at night: I wish that when I am awake in the morning, my weight on the scale will be what I want and every person in my life will think that is how my body has always been. Or I hope that it will be so simple for me to lose five pounds in one day, even if I just sneeze. Or maybe, I should just ask my fairy to finally motivate me to get off of my fat ass and actually try to do what I have been wanting my lazy self to do for these past six months; lose 100 pounds. Even to just lose 20 pounds. For, once I lose 20 pounds, I will be inspired to continue on to 5 more and then 10 more and then 20 more until I have reached my goal.
However, you all need to leave me alone about it. I do not want to do any of this when I feel like this topic is brought up and shoved into my face every day. I need to motivate myself. I need to force myself to do this. I should want to do this. I have so many reasons why I already miss this, though. I want to be able to climb up a flight of stairs without hunting around for an oxygen tank. I hope to walk into any store and begin to look all around, being able to choose from all of the clothes that are upon the shelves. I wish to be able to sleep in my boyfriend’s favorite t-shirt. He smells nice, so I would want his scent to linger upon me. I want my life to be so simple. But nothing seems to be so easy.
When I’m just wasting days on my computer, reading through my Pinterest for suggestions on how to shred these pounds, yet still continuing to sit upon my butt, I find other interesting topics that keep my mind happy and drawn off of this matter in my life that seems to keep me in my deep, dank hole. At times, the random facts I always stumble upon always help me to get through these days. I always ponder if life is too short. I found that is false. It is the longest thing that I do. Is there really love in the air? False. Nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide are in the air. I have always wondered if it is darkest before the dawn? Nope; incorrect. Best possible darkness occurs at roughly two am. Growing up, we were all told that the United States is the land of the free, but, that is false. The USA has more prisoners per capita than any other county in this world. Is home really where the heart is? Another false. The chest cavity is where the heart is. “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars.” Wrong. The nearest star is 93 million miles from the moon. Is love all you really need? False. You need water and rations.
These were useless pieces of nothing that I need, but they make me feel that I have added to the emptiness that is filling my head. This emptiness that seems to fill my head is what I always believe how my stomach feels. I eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and other snacks in between, yet my guy can eat breakfast and wait twelve or more hours to eat dinner. I know that I could wait, but I sometimes wonder if this my body wants me to do. Mostly, I’m sure I eat out of boredom. So, I know that I need to change all of this.
I wasn’t picked on when I was younger. I consider myself lucky. I know that when growing up at a certain age, any girl is subject to bullying. I never really had too much trouble walking up to other children and just joining in on the fun. I did feel like I was supposed to have a boyfriend while in high school, I felt the only reason no guy responded to my smiles was because I wasn’t the same shape as every girl in the school. I still did not let myself sink into that hole that I knew was trying to drag me down. I joined the school’s theater club to help me on my happy path.
In my world, I felt awesome. I was able to be up on that stage in a theater group. I was able to make so many friends being involved in this that I have lost count. These were real friends, too. These are people I am still in touch with fifteen years after our last day of high school. They did not judge me by my round butt, or wide hips. They did not care that fat hung off my arms or that I had to buy my clothes in the adult woman’s section. They liked me for me.
Even in my older years, since 32 is such an old age, I am still able to do this. I have my days where I critic the way I look more than I’m sure any other person around me is even doing. I think I’m more judgmental now about my appearance than I was in my younger years. When I am getting ready to shower, I will stand and pick and pull at every piece of my body in the mirror. I will stand and mentally tell myself that I need to change what is in front of me. I need to get rid of this piece and that piece. Even though there is a person in another room that I know loves me for me, I still feel that I need to wake up the next day and the body that I have been wishing for, for the past fifteen years is what I hope to see in the mirror. I know this will change. I can feel it.