The journey of 1000 miles begins with 999 steps. I tried that and I could barely take twenty steps. I signed up for something so simple, new and I failed. Now, anything else that I try to achieve, no one will expect me to accomplish putting my pants on correctly. A song I usually hear on the radio in our car has every single word that describes my life; failure. This was just the test in life I didn’t study for. I’m sure they all expected this, though.
After all that I’ve been through this past week, it’s making me hope that I arrive to death late, in love and a little drunk. I know I will, the state of mind I’ve been in lately. I thought I was accomplishing my goal in life, but I seemed to have lost my balls and backed away. Now, I’ve lost all hope from all that care about me. I might as well just give up trying. I tried folding a fitted sheet the other day but I just got so pissed off that I threw it at the window. I didn’t break the window, so again, I accomplished nothing. No one was surprised that I gave up so easily. If I wasn’t able to put my pants on correctly in the morning, they would just brush it off like it was all normal.
I am a disappointment.
I always wanted to be somebody. I think I realize now I should have been more specific on what that was. I’m beginning to feel like I’m having such a boring life only because I listened to my mom and dad too much for motivation, which just pushed me in the wrong direction like any child, so I think I deserve this. Even if I am on the right track in life, I could get run over if I don’t get off my ass and just continue to sit here. I know I shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what I can do the day after tomorrow, yet well-behaved persons seldom seem to make history. The more rebellious ones seem to achieve more often than none. Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light so I need not be discouraged if I fail a few. I mean, people tend to say nothing is impossible and I manage nothing every day. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I know that life may be short. We all need to smile while we still have our teeth. I’m already missing one, so I’m on my way down that road. I guess I need to start studying for that test we all seem to have in life. The way life seems to be these days, I feel every day that I have almost been there, done that, practically like I’ve been there several times only because I’ve apparently forgotten.
I sometimes go outside for a while. I just go sit on our balcony or where our barbecue is just to write down what’s on my mind. No person out there could keep me down, no matter how hard they tried. I’m really starting to love him and our life more when I can make the night time last. When you love somebody, I better tell him, but at times, I feel I might one day run away. When I do, I tell the world’s alright with me, just with one look into those deep, blue eyes. When the sun goes down, he is the one I’m going to be with. There couldn’t be better days than these.
One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what I thought was real. I love you. A lot. Yet, one day I want to go back, then the next I’m totally fine here. I guess today is just another day and we’re both still at the bottom. I miss everything back in our home town. Other than you, I don’t feel like I have anything in Sin City. I miss my family. I don’t have any friends.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I feel more lost, even when I come running back to you. Why do I blow our money, just want to be on a plane one day, but never want to leave you the next? Please, my baby, my mama, help me figure my life out. I don’t know how to be an adult. Ever since I’ve been stuck on my ass almost three years, I guess I really don’t know how to do anything. I have no problem getting up on stage, singing, socializing with new people, but I cannot seem to work a brand-new career. I suppose I’m really just meant to be a prostitute.