My Normal Life

I Can’t Fit My Pants

My boyfriend and I have the same t-shirt. We got it one night as a bonus from one of our bars; a shot, a beer and a t-shirt all for six bucks just for the Golden Knights being in the play-offs. We both picked out the same size. When we put them on, over the shirts we were already wearing, his fit a little snug. For me, it fit a lot snug. I even needed to go to the bathroom and stretch it out as best that I could. My boyfriend didn’t seem to make any adjustments to his. Even after I wash it and put it on like a normal shirt, I still need to re-stretch it.

Lately, with all of my old shirts, my pants, I feel the need to make changes to them. I can’t walk into any store of my choosing for regular clothing like a normal American woman. I have to shop at one of the “bigger” girl shops. This has been what feels like my whole life. Growing up, when shopping for any clothes, I don’t remember ever shopping in the regular girl’s section. I believe I always picked out shirts, maybe even pants from the same section my mom usually got her clothes from. But, even today, my section is different than hers. Again, it’s the section with larger options.

Teenage girls share their favorite outfits with their girlfriends. I never did that. My friends were always smaller than me. I would sit around their bedrooms, looking at their outfits, thinking to myself, “I wish I could wear that shirt,” “I can’t wear shorts that small.” I don’t even WEAR shorts! My ass would be hanging out! I know that if I even tried to wear a tank top, the fat that hangs off of my upper arm would be stared at when I walk anywhere.

Every so often I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore; happiness? Love? The cat on my lap? Someday’s, I think, “maybe I need some music.” Other days, I really just need the lyrics. Those words can help me find the right ones to express my feelings. The words can be the pathway to happiness in life.

I tell myself every night that I’m going to be different in the morning. I am discovering that the key to a woman’s brain may be buried deep down inside her playlist. It may be a LOVElove song, one that could never explain to someone how much their heart aches enough for them. It might be a lost heart love song. Even though I am not lost on my emotions path in life, I still listen to many of these songs that are so deeply filled with sorrow. I listen to them, then I let whoever is still buried in my thoughts wander out and wonder, “What if?” I’m sure you all do. I still never regret the decisions I have made. I might be stuck between who I am, who I want to be and who I should be, but I will always have the help I need.

I always wanted to be somebody. I think I realize now I should have been more specific on what that was. I’m beginning to feel like I’m having such a boring life only because I listened to some guy on TV telling me how to do all my shit, so I think I deserve this. Even if I am on the right track in life, I could get run over if I don’t get off my ass and just continue to sit here.  I know I shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what I can do the day after tomorrow, yet well-behaved women seldom seem to make history. The more rebellious ones look to be the ones on that list.  Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light so I need not be discouraged if I fail a few more times. I mean, people do tend to say nothing is impossible and I accomplish nothing every day. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Maybe I could just go sit on my balcony to write down what’s on my mind. No person out there could keep me down, no matter how hard they tried. I’m really starting to love him and our life more when I can make the night time last. When you love somebody, I better tell him because I sometimes feel that I might one day run away. When I do tell him, the world’s alright with me, just with one look into those deep, blue eyes. When the sun goes down, he is the one I’m going to be with. There couldn’t be better days than these.

I know that life may be short. We all need to smile while we still have our teeth. I’m already missing one, so I’m on my way down that road. I guess I need to start studying for that test we all have. I actually hope I can arrive to death late, maybe a little drunk. The way my life seems to be these days, I feel every day that I have almost been there, done that, practically like I’ve been there several times only because I’ve apparently forgotten.

The music from my phone at the same moment every day begins my time, even though by now, my mind is really a natural alarm. After I dig through the closet, stretching out my shirts, still continuing to hate my body, I walk into the bathroom to make sure that I look what I know is not normal. I could be a lot nicer to myself if I liked my outfit. I just need to make myself smile and let everyone know that today, I am going to be a lot stronger than I was yesterday.

I sometimes still wonder what ever attracted him to me. I know I’ve changed, a lot, over the years we’ve been together. I’ve put on weight since our first date. The picture of me that was on that dating site he chose from has changed. My personality hasn’t, but the body he sometime cuddles with at night has. He is obviously still attracted to me, but I’m not attracted to me. When I have shirts that are two sizes bigger, pants from when we first met that I can no longer fit in, I still have in my mind that he doesn’t want to share a bed with me. But he does.

seem to want to lose weight

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