My Normal Life

My Brother Is Such a Dork

My brother is such a dork.

I can’t stand to be around him. But I feel that my parents are always trying to make his head get bigger and bigger every day. They are always filling it with “Great job son!” and “marvelous report card”. It’s like he could do no more than he seems to. William needs to just stop already. This is his senior year and all he does is work with those science geeks in their science “club.” They’re assigned to come up with some sort of new “discovery” thing, whatever that is. But you want to know what I think; I think their trying to take over the world. I really do. I pay more attention to some of the things that they’ve been putting together.

I’ve been spying on them in the garage. That big machine they’ve been working on all year doesn’t look like a bug repellent object they keep telling everyone that it is. To me, it looks like an atom bomb machine, the type that I’ve seen on the History Channel. Where would they get all the complicated objects that they need to put something like this together? If I remember correctly, Todd’s dad works for some portion of the army. Or Home Depot, maybe.

There was one night that they were all out late at Pizza Hut, like they told my parents, but I think they were really sneaking into a secret underground business Mr. Hinto has. Yeah, I know about this. I know how to follow people. I have been getting better at it. I knew my secret detective kits that I had gotten for my birthday would come in handy one day. He may have inherited the science genes, but I feel that I really was born more the detective type. I was growing suspicious of why they always felt the need to do their science “homework” at the pizza place once a week. If I was in Advance Chemistry, I would have my laboratory in a person’s basement or garage, but that’s just me. How is a person to blow something up in a family restaurant?

But I digress. I follow them as best as I can. I can’t really do a great job since I’m in our mom’s orange sedan, so I try to stay two cars behind the green Saturn I had seen the four of them get into. William and Todd are the only two that I knew. The other guys I have seen, but I do not believe I have ever been formally introduced to. A little rude if you ask me. When they pull into the parking lot, I decide I’ll slyly drive around the block, give them time to situate themselves.

As I’m making my circle, I begin to think how I’m even going to see what they’re doing. I can’t go in, as my brother will see me and wonder what I am doing out alone. It’s a school night, not very safe for sixteen-year-old ladies to be out “on their own”, he’ll think. I know I’m grown up enough. I have a part time job at our grandma’s flower shop after all. If I know how to put together wedding bouquets of lavenders and lilies in one day for two different overly demanding families whose mothers and brides call every half hour changing their minds about something, then I think I know how to handle myself.

As I pull up to Pizza Hut, I’m still thinking how I’m going to figure out his Taking Over the World meeting. I knew I should have called Vallery. She loves when I’m out past curfew, especially when out following my brother. I know she’s had a huge major crush on him since junior high. I try to walk as slyly as I can over to his car in the well lite parking lot. Looking in his windows, I can see that he left his backpack in the back seat. Now, why would he want to leave this in his car when the whole purpose of being here was for his club? All of his sloppy science notes are in his backpack, which I know I shouldn’t look through daily. I just try to make it seem like the cat was in there, like he’s always in my backpack. How am I to find out what his domination plans are if I don’t keep my eye on him, though? I look at my reflection in his car as I continue to think and then it hits me: spare car key! I remember he has one stuck under his driver side door, since he’s constantly locking his keys inside. For having such marvelous report cards, my brother really can be a dumbass at times.

Reaching under the driver side, I began to wonder how thrilled the Dailey Tribune will be when I call them to tell them a high school science club is trying to take over the world! I know I will get the front page for sure.

Suddenly, I hear voices behind me. I recognize my brother anywhere. I’m forced to listen to him talk about nonsense at dinner so I’d be able to pick out his annoying voice in a room full of Fran Dresser’s. How can they finish food that quickly? Unless, they were just picking up their pizza; how could I have not thought this through! I can’t possibly get back to my car without him seeing me. Maybe, I can just tell him mom had let me make a trip to7-11 to clear my brain while I was doing my Math homework, since he wasn’t home to help me with it (grrrrrr).

“What are you doing here?” I hear William saying behind me. I guess I had been trying to think of an escape for too long.

“I, uh, was just out for…my nightly coff-slurpee! And I happened to see your mobile here.” I quickly thought.

“Okay. But 7-11 is down the street.” I could see his fellows also starting to look questionably at me. I should have thought of a backup plan. All detectives have back up plans.

“Err, I DID see your car, and mom wanted me to stop and remind you something.” I can be just as genius as you my brother. You will be stopped, just you wait.

They all continued to look at me, as if waiting for me to continue speaking. I just stared back; I could see they were wanting a staring contest, which they would lose. I was the champion of these. After a few quiet seconds, he continued, “And mother wanted you to ask me….?”

Blast. I hadn’t quite thought this far. What could our mom possible want me to follow her pride and joy for to ask a simple question when all she could do is call him and hear his lovely voice? My brain was filling with too many thoughts too fast to throw at him, I couldn’t think of anything. I feel he could tell by my face, since I do have a rather obvious thinking face, the way one eyebrow arches slowly and I make a very slight, small smile.

“Could you excuse us gentleman,” I hear my brother say to his friends. I watch as they give me a sly glance but slowly walk back towards Pizza Hut. I wonder now what my brothers going to do? He must know why I’m here. Is this the end of me? I haven’t even been able to wear my homecoming dress yet!

“Harper, now that my gentleman friends are gone, you and I are going to have a little chat.”

The way his eyes are on me, squinted in a stern way that is starting to make me feel uneasy. I continued to stare at him, thinking of what to say. He couldn’t possibly think I was trying to end his groups plot to take over the world, could he? I know I over analyzed everything, but my brother wasn’t always the brightest bulb in the bunch. Or was he?

“Okay, let’s chat.” I tried not to look directly at him. I wanted it to seem like I had no idea what he was trying to talk about, even though I knew he was going to tell me that the knowledge I had of his group was too much.

“Harper, my dear, dear sister. I think you being here this late at night, is not a good thing. I know that you’re always over thinking my guys and me, but I think I have finally figured something about why you’re always tagging along. And don’t think I don’t always see you,” I tried not to look at him. I knew I should have used our dad’s car to follow. To use our fathers, though, it’s like I have to loan him my kidney for the night and not go more than a block away.

He continued his rambling. I had gotten good at blocking him out, since he did like to talk about nothing a lot, “I know you’re at that awkward stage in your life when you’re afraid to admit a lot of things. We all are. Heck, I even have a hard time approaching people. But, my dear, sweet little sister, I can tell Todd that you like him. I can tell him that you want to go on a date with him.”

I continued to look at him a moment as this all went through my head. The only reason he thought I was here was to see Todd, not to stop them from taking over the world? My dear, sweet stupid brother. For being such a genius, you’re really not that bright at times.

I hung my head for a moment before saying “Yes, I do like Todd. I haven’t wanted to tell anyone because I never thought a senior would want to date a junior. I never knew how to tell him either! He’s the first guy I’ve ever liked!”

“Well, little sis, I can tell him for you. I think he likes you too. He does talk about you.”

I continued to look my brother in the eyes with a happy little face. I knew I had made my way in. I now knew I could stop him from taking over the world.

taking over world

My Normal Life

Love is a Smile

Sometimes all we do is drive, but what we may be doing is to think about the feelings that we hide. Just always try to stay close to the people who feel like the sunlight.

I know I tend to be the type that once she has a drink and I feel the need for another twenty minutes later. Then I need another. Then I think my mind is making me get drunk to numb the hell out of it. I don’t know what that hell is. I have happiness in my life. I am overly loved by my family and my guy.  He seems able to handle and understand me. I sometimes wonder if I really am that girl that he saw in public and couldn’t forget. I know he’s the guy for me. If I was able to remember his name after our first date, then that’s a very good thing. I’m horrible with names.

If I was able to move across the country with him, then that shows commitment. I gathered every piece of crap that I was able to fit into our moving truck and moved 2000 miles away from my family, friends, my home that I still own. However, my love, you cannot get mad when I just want to pack my suitcase to go back to visit our Great Lake State for the stupidest reason on this Earth. Sometimes, we just need to take a few days to breathe.

Ever since our move, I don’t know what I feel anymore. I may be constantly talking about just packing up and leaving you, nonetheless, I love you with this little particle that is helping to support my inner being; my heart that I sometimes feel I have lost. When I am away from you, even if it’s just an hour, I feel the need to call you just to hear your voice.  When you walk through our door after being away from me for eight hours I always need to jump out of my chair and squeeze my arms around you as fast as I can just to get every ounce of my love into you.

I love you, still at times, I feel like it’s killing me. If I were to leave, I would miss you. I would miss us. I would miss having you to talk to whenever I wanted. Then I sometimes wonder if I just need to move on in life, because there are days when I feel like this is pointless. Love is not finding someone you can live with; it’s finding someone you can’t live without, and there are days when I look in the mirror and just wonder if this is the last one?

I occasionally sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you deny that you are one. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank.

Though, when those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, you sink back into your farming. I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on. It is one that I am willing to devote a big portion of my attitude towards. Not to mention, we live in Vegas baby. There’s a chapel down the street.

A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be a very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when we grow old.  Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and freer. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete and I love you.

Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.



My Normal Life

I Think I’ll Drink Less Wine

One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what I thought was real. I love you. A lot. Yet, one day I want to go back, then the next I’m totally fine here. I guess today is just another day and we’re both still at the bottom.  I miss everything back in our home town. Other than you, I don’t feel like I have anything Sin City. I look every day, but I cannot find work, I cannot find friends, I cannot find…Waldo? You don’t seem to believe that I have applied to A LOT of jobs. You don’t seem to think that even if I was to get one, I would keep it. Thanks for the motivation. I miss my family. I haven’t any friends. Another main reason; you never seem to get when I’m not feeling right. When I am not feeling right; those are called seizures. When I need to throw the covers off, turn the lights on. Those are not the same weird feelings that you’re having. What is happening to my brain at night is not the same that is going on with yours. We have two different brains. Mine could put me into a coma for who knows how long where as yours could just continue to travel you down depression lane.

I love you and it’s killing me! Yes, I do I miss you. I miss us. I miss talking to you to whenever I wanted. But I know I have to move on, only because this map in life is becoming a lost road. I love you. I need you. I miss you. But I just can’t be with you. Love is not finding someone you can live with. It is finding someone you can’t live without. Yes, I had my days when I felt like I needed you, you were my breath of fresh air.  Then there would be my days where I would wonder…who if?

Then I also wonder; why aren’t we having sex? It has been a year. You let me hug you, kiss you, hold your hand, but why no sex? It is just sex! When two people who love each other, and can hold, touch, press their lips together in public yet are not even able to grapple upon each in the most inappropriate ways in dark bedroom. I know you love me.  You tell me all the time. But if you can’t even talk about this, without yelling and getting overly aggravated, then I am going back. I don’t want to cry anymore. I feel more lost, even when I come running back to you.

It is 2017, but PAPER bills can still be split. I love you, but I can’t handle this. You can do whatever you want with anything I leave behind. I know you like to come home from work and just be left alone. I know that you envy that I get to just sit here all day, like I really want to. You like to think I haven’t applied to over 300 jobs since we have moved here. I know that you love me. But, if you really loved me…why can’t I touch you more? Why can’t I talk to you more? I love you, but I need to go back. I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. The worst feeling in the word is when you know that we both love each other but we still can’t be together.

My Normal Life

45 Minutes of Love

Right now; I am a little confused. One day, now and then, you make it seem like we are walking down the right path in life together. We are destined to be together for the rest of our lives. One day soon, we will be man and wife. Maybe soon our little cutie will be crawling along the floor, since one seems crammed into my face every day (thank you Facebook.) We talk about baby names, we talk about where we might be married. I know that’s still a long way down our road, but you calmly talk about it. We even just bought a car together, for the both of us, so I know that you know I am not going anywhere.

A few days later, though, you start spouting off for 45-minutes, word after word, how we were over charged by $4 for a beverage at a normal bar. Or I have to listen to you while we’re eating our usual lunch about how too much our sandwich cost. Another might be, when you walk in from work and I can’t seem to speak a single word to you without setting off your angry switch. You even begin to drone on and on about how you still owe so much back where we moved from, and I listen to you murmur on about it, yet I can’t get a word of any suggestions to you. I really only want you calm down, take a deep breathe even just to shut up. Yet I can’t. So I just sit and stare at nothing as I listen to you yelling at our future.

Baby; nothing in the United States cost 25-cents anymore. I do know that our money is not easy at this time. But, when you need help with money; come to me. You sometimes don’t seem to comprehend that I can help. This is my apartment, too. My name may not be on the lease, yet I help pay for everything. Except the rent, as you just rammed into my face 30 minutes ago, for the 18th time, I can pay for our lunch, groceries, anything for our car.  Yet, I am beginning to feel; useless. My name may not be on the lease, but that does not mean I will not pay to sleep in our bed.

I know that I can’t remember what happened ten minutes ago; yet when you feel the need to repeat the same majorly important item in our lives to me, you need to not raise your voice when speaking it to me. Or perhaps, do not speak it to me like I am not quite as bright as you, as you most of the time make me feel. I know that I raise my voice to you a lot. I yell at you for no reason, I don’t know why. Yet, ten minutes later I try to hug that away. We’re adults. We’re living under the same roof. I can’t escape to my parents for a few hours, since they’re 3000 miles away. It even seems, since we just purchased a car together, I can’t seem to get behind the wheels without you getting upset that have the time to drive it more than you do.

A wise woman once said to fuck this shit, then she lived happily ever after. The words I need to live by. I know that I can be a very demanding. As difficult as I can be, I do wish that everything worked out in my way. I guess I think this would make us both happy together. Last night, we seemed to be on top of the town, kissing like we invented it. You’re my soul, in my heart. I feel that you’ll be my last breath when I grow old.  Ever since we’ve been together, I feel that I’ve been stronger and free. I feel that I belong with you and you belong with me. You make me smile and just the thought of you can drive me wild. You have made my life complete and I love you.

I hope you know I am what would look good on you, every Friday night. If we continued down our road in life, the best thing you need to know is that love is being stupid together. And we’re good at that. When you try your best, when you get what you want, and when you feel so tired and I get what you need, you know that you succeeded. All that you are is all that I will ever need.


poetry is hard

My Normal Life

You Are My Person

I really don’t think I can say this enough, but I love you. I still have no idea why. I know that I love talking with you for what feels like forever, every day, always about nothing. I love lying next to you at night, helping to put you to sleep. I love just looking into your pale, blue eyes. Yet, I sometimes still feel like I don’t know anything about you. I know your middle name. I know when your birthday is, I think. You are a Cancer, so I do know that it’s sometime in June. The 30th…or the 29th? Oh, crap.

The picture that you sent me the other day is what made me realize how much I really love you. I mean, come on, I just moved 3,000 miles across the country with you! I looked at this certain picture, looked at your smile and I could feel my smile creeping its way onto my face. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks beginning as I looked into your eyes, almost as if you were really in the room with me. My stomach was filling with the same chills that it had filled with the first night that I felt a foot punting me into my behind; when I turned around, it was you, introducing yourself to me on our very first date.

I sometimes sit on my chair or lay in our bed, imagining what our children would look like. I know, one of them would for sure, have blue or hazel eyes, dark blonde or light brown hair. They could be total computer nerd, as much as you deny that you are one. I know that one of our children will know how to cook, a skill they will gain from you. While another will be more of an artist, thankfully being more like their mother. One will, more than likely, want to be the center of attention at all times, and another will skulk all day long when things have not gone their way. I do know that all of our children, however many we have, will be the most helpful people they are, skills they have gained from both of their parents. One will be so negative about the world, pouting in their corner and another will be the cheap one, saving their allowance in their cute little, purple piggy bank.

Yet, when those conversations are trying to be brought up, a wall seems to be put up on one of our paths. Love, children, sharing the same name has been brought up in our relationship, yet when that time in our life is trying to be discussed, you sink back into your farming. I know this path in our life is not cheap, each penny you feel the need to pinch at. I know it is a big hump that we will have to work on. It is one that I am willing to devote a big portion of my attitude towards. Not to mention, we live in Vegas baby. There’s a chapel down the street, haha.

It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That’s where your heart is. My heart that I am willing to devote towards you. I know that life is tough, but darling, I know that you are as well. Maybe we just need to let shit go and start over. Just try to erase all that we were talking about today, as hard as I know that will be for you. You can’t let one tiny little dust particle that upsets you off your mind for two hours. Besides, I need to listen to you drone on about it, complaint after complaint. Then, I sit and I listen, because I love you.

I sometimes believe that you are the definition of negative. At times, I have a difficult time not falling off of my positive path. Nevertheless, when I sit and listen to you complain about one tiny thing that has made you upset for a half-hour, it does bring me down a little. So find a way to uplift my spirit!

I know that I can make you smile. I leave you alone when you come home from work. I do welcome you home with my hugs of love, I can never stop wrapping my arms around you. I learn that you have a lot of fun when we go see our Elvis on Friday nights. We get to have a good time with the ladies that you work with, not to mention I get to gaze upon the glory of my new teen-crush (I love you more.) Yet, as soon as his last words are singing, your grey cloud returns and I do not know which path we are supposed to continue on for the evening to make your adorable smile continue.

Just keep that cute smile upon your face, my love. For I will always be the arms you can come to, even if you don’t need a thing.


My person

My Normal Life

An ENGLISH Teacher!

Growing up, all throughout school, I wanted to be a teacher. I had watched all of my favorites, all that inspired me and I wanted to be them.

My sixth teacher is the one that pushed me the most down that path in life. She would never let me give up on anything that I would be putting my mind to, no matter how much I wanted to. There was a downing point in my life during year that occurred between typical preteen girls that I thought were my friends, and she helped me through that with more than a “walk it off”. She aided me through the dark days.

When junior high was my next step in life, I had an amazing English teacher, who would push her students. She was seeming to point me even further in which direction I would go.  More than just our grammar, she would tell us which road might be calling us; fiction, non-fiction, science fiction. She wouldn’t tell us that we were wrong, she would assist us in inviting a reader into our minds.

Then, onto the more difficult years in my life, High school, I came upon another teacher, who helped me onto the dived trail, in case maybe I wanted to help the future youth about not only English, but maybe the dramatics. Ah, theater. I could now pretend to be what was on my mind. I now knew that it was okay, to not be real. My director, taught all of us, that singing, dancing, showing an audience that we could be who was on our minds; that was another path in my life.

I finished these twelve years with a big cloud of hope hanging over my head. I knew what I wanted to be; an English teacher, an English teacher, I knew that I’d be an English TEA-cher (only a few of you were in that play). But then, the doors burst open upon me into the college world. When I set foot into that, auditorium, of the first years teaching class, I felt my heart sink deep into my stomach. My first class of the day, Intro to Teaching, was filled with 300 students. And this was just the AM class.

As the three professors began to explain the program to us, with 300 people that were surrounding me and the three professors below explaining how this program worked, my dreams began to sink. They explained how the teaching program excepted only 100 students. There was another Intro to Teaching class, which I assumed was just as full as this one. We may only be excepted by a few various schools through-out the state to begin along our paths of Student Teaching. This just made me think in the back of my mind that I had no chance; I may never be a teacher. No person really listened to me when any words came out of my mouth, so why would a 13-year-old want to learn from me? I trudged through the next six months with my head hung low, my dreams shattered.

When I returned home at the end of semester, I decided I couldn’t go back. I had no chance at being a teacher. I would continue my education, though. There were still local schools all around me. For what I had had, my mind endured no idea of what stood on the roads ahead in life. Going over my community colleges Winter classes, I looked over what sounded the most interesting. Of course, I chose the normal math and science that were required. Then I saw one that looked a little cool; Criminal Law and Administration of Justice. A bubbled popped over my head, “I could be a lawyer!”

The first week of this class, I couldn’t feel more comfortable. As grumpy an old man that my professor was, I loved it. And I understood everything he was talking about. I could grasp upon all of the Michigan Law he would gargle about for three hours. The words he spat at us, they stayed in my mind and I could argue back with no shame in my heart.

I continued on for the next three years, realizing that I had to change lanes into the legal assistant field. It’s all really a lower level of paralegal. Diving further into this field, I began to love learning more and more about all of this. It also made me realize how good I was at arguing and winning. So, maybe an English Legal Assistant I will be. Bam!


My Normal Life

A Cancer and Pisces

You know you love him when you’re willing to leave the Great Lake State that you were both born and raised in to start your lives all over again in the Silver State, just so you can see his scruffy face every day. Moving in with each other is one big step in life, but moving half way across the country, that is an entirely major one. I love him, as much as we disagree every day, I love him.

Water signs pay attention to every person, place and thing around them. They remember everything they see, hear and smell. A dynamic duo in the zodiac world; Cancer and Pisces. In the zodiac world, a Pisces and a Cancer are 85% compatible. Cancer and Pisces are both deeply romantic and sentimental. These two signs love hard, so when you play with their emotions, be prepared for consequences. A Cancer will be in control while the Pisces will provide the emotional support. When Pisces gets scared, they fail to tell the truth, even on the silliest of things because they feel the need to distance themselves from pressure. Whatever the situation, both signs will be patient enough to trust each other for the relationship to work out. Pisces always have something to talk about, and this can be good or bad for the Cancer, who feels the need to deal with REAL information. Cancer can understand the sensitive nature of their Pisces better than anyone else. Cancer feels, rather than listens, which makes them a perfect companion for Pisces.

Cancer and Pisces are typically brought together by romantic love. Cancer is usually not aggressive or pushy, that I have learned he hardly ever is. Pisces has a tendency to create intimacy and a happy home, which, since this big move with the man that I love, I have been trying to do for him. The two water signs connect through emotion, usually as soon as they lay their eyes upon each other. I feel that is what we did on our very first date. There was something inside me that told me not to let him get away. I have made that mistake a few times on our road, but I’ve been able to reel him back in each time.

The biggest challenge between these two signs is perhaps how changeable a Pisces can be. Other than changing just my pants, I know that I can, in a lot more ways, never make up my mind.  A fine balance would need to be made between excitement and stability, then these two could be one of the most wonderful couples of the zodiac world, Cancer inspired and Pisces with a feeling of home. Whatever situation they’re going through, both will be patient enough to trust each other for their relationship to work out.  And I do trust him.

Financially, Cancer plans for the future, he builds some security, while Pisces is unlikely to be interested in such endeavors. When it comes to the both of us, this could not be more right. As soon as five dollars is given to me, I run to the store to blow it away. When a penny is given to him, he tucks it away for a rainy day.

Cancer views that Pisces is a partner who will absorb their mood and ensure they both have the same mood. They need to make sure that this is the partner that will always understand them. Most of the time, I do understand my Cancer. These two signs are an intuitive, affectionate and caring match. Both can be deeply romantic and sentimental towards each other in so many inexpressible ways.  They intuitively understand each other in so many ways. For Pisces, her Cancer is a lover who is a very emotional, moody person. But Pisces needs someone who can read them and react accordingly, which my Cancer can do better than any person I have ever known.

These two water signs connect through emotion, usually as soon as they lay eyes upon each other. They remember everything they see, hear and smell about each other and my Cancer always smells good. I know that he is my perfect crab and I am the gold fish meant for him, so us two water signs can find our pond to live in, as difficult as that might in our new lives in Nevada.



My Normal Life

Change is Coming

She discovered the definition of her life, when she was laying in the sunlight. That night she would wish upon a star that everything would be fine. She knows that somewhere in this world, someone is going to fall in love with her. He’ll just walk up to her and say, “Baby, I love you. We both know, there’s nothing left to do. Just, please, tell me everything is going to be alright?” She knows that she keeps letting everything get her down. Not anymore. By doing this, all of her sad feelings have disappeared. By doing this, it makes her know that someday, she is going to find him.

When her mind was made up, she saw him last week, at the post office. Him being a red head is one that will never be forgotten. That blazing, ruby treasure upon his head is the kind that is always stuck in one’s mind. She had laid her eyes upon him and just gazing at him had given her the thought that the world was alright now.

She knew that when her time came, the time she may be leaving this world, she would be thanking him for all that he did for her in life. She always had the most fun being weird with him. They would be the only one’s dancing around the bar to the classic 80’s music randomly selected from the jukebox. There would be nights that, just looking into his eyes, she could show him what he wanted to see.

She was in her driveway on Friday night. She just sat in the driver’s seat, wriggling her keys through her fingers. She wished that she could get the car to start. She really wanted to drive to his house tonight. She felt deep down inside, that she needed him. Something inside of her mind was telling her that she needed to almost swim through everything around her, not only for her family, or her friends, but for him the most. She gave up and went back inside the house.

She was starting to wonder what happened when she closed her eyes at night. Was he there? Was he lying next to her? She could almost feel his soft skin with her hand, right next to her body. She knew now, that she was going to find him, even if it took all night. She stared up at her ceiling, with so many thoughts racing through her mind, him being her number one priority. She could see his soft, smooth back end, the first thing she had laid her eyes upon. She wanted to walk up to him and begin just rubbing her hand slowly upon it before she could smack it as hard as she was able to. She knows then he would whimper with pleasure.

“Mr. Blue Sky,” she began. “Please tell me why you are hiding him away. Why are you now hiding him from me? Why can’t I find him?” She liked to refer to her ceiling as that. It made her feel that she was actually speaking to whoever was above. She knew she needed help finding him.

Searching through her bedroom, she found her journal. She had forgotten she had one of these. The night they had had their first date was the night she had felt that she hadn’t needed to write in it anymore. She sat down on her bed, grasping the purple paper with green shimmering stars in her hand. Before she even opened it, she knew what all was inside. It would all be pages of her scribbles speaking of no love in life. She would be speaking of the lonesome road she had been lost upon in life.  For that is what she had felt. For 28 years, she had felt so alone. No person was on her path in life, searching for her.

Then one day, she knew that tomorrow would be a little kinder. A brighter day might be coming her way. She pressed the remote to turn on her radio, her old school punk record began to play. She laid on her back as all the music began going to her heart. As he began to appear more in her mind, rainbows seemed to brighten in the dark. She was going to make it through this year, making him love her more, if it killed her. Her past is already being forgotten.

One night she had had a dream that she walked into the coffee shop that she frequented every Tuesday morning. When she walked up to the counter, expecting to say good morning to her regular dark, frizzy hair coffee guy Jose, she saw him. She could not stop staring into his blue eyes. She could barely get her order out of her mouth in one single breath. When his fingers grazed over her hands to take her card, she was startled awake. Telling this dream to her mom and sister the next day, neither one believed that this was him. He was just a dream.

Going to get her normal morning cola the next day, he was standing at the counter, waiting to pay. When he didn’t realize, he was standing next to her in an empty crowd, she then knew that she loved him.  She could feel all of his heart leaking off of him onto her. As she inhaled his deep, smoky scent, her eyes closed remembering their first date. She knew after this, there could never be enough cigarettes to calm her down. Before he could leave, she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips as hard as she could to his. Before he even realized what was going on, his coffee fell from his hands.

She pulled away from him with a smile on her face. “Baby, we can run away together. We can spend some time together. Forever,” she spoke into his wide eyes. She knew change was going to come.

My Normal Life

A Few Things to Lose

I am beginning to realize that if at first I don’t succeed; maybe I can change my underpants and I’ll be able to try again. I will not always be perfect. I need to be brave in this life and keep pressing on.  Life is tough and I can be, too. I need to stop hating myself for everything that I am not and start loving myself for every little thing that I already am. Stephanie; quit slacking and make all that is rambling on in your head happen! I am slowly working on myself for myself all by myself, and I know that I will come out glittering and fabulous! I will be somebody that nobody thought I could be.

Sometimes I really do think, “screw this…. I will just be a stripper!” But then I remember that I am fat…and I can’t really dance. I get out onto the floor and try to wiggle my big butt around with the bass that is pounding from the speakers. Shaking my ass is the closets I can come to actually dancing. I feel like all eyes are on me, I am center stage, and that I need to put on the best performance that I have inside of myself. If I fail, I sense that’s all I will be remembered as: the fat girl who can’t dance. If I can be on that floor, wiggle all that is inside of me until the end of this horrible song, I will be known as a retired Taylor Swift back up dancer.

Then I remember 315. That is a big number. It’s also the biggest that has appeared on my scale in these past few months. One would think this number would be my motivation to lose this big butt that I sing about at karaoke every week (I cannot lie.) It is not, though. I really have none right now. I don’t like my pants. I do wish I didn’t have to re-stretch my t-shirts after I wash them. I still make the same wish to my fairy, who seems to have been on vacation for the past twenty years, the same wish when my head is on my pillow at night: I wish that when I am awake in the morning, my weight on the scale will be what I want and every person in my life will think that is how my body has always been. Or I hope that it will be so simple for me to lose five pounds in one day, even if I just sneeze. Or maybe, I should just ask my fairy to finally motivate me to get off of my fat ass and actually try to do what I have been wanting my lazy self to do for these past six months; lose 100 pounds. Even to just lose 20 pounds. For, once I lose 20 pounds, I will be inspired to continue on to 5 more and then 10 more and then 20 more until I have reached my goal.

However, you all need to leave me alone about it. I do not want to do any of this when I feel like this topic is brought up and shoved into my face every day. I need to motivate myself. I need to force myself to do this. I should want to do this. I have so many reasons why I already miss this, though. I want to be able to climb up a flight of stairs without hunting around for an oxygen tank. I hope to walk into any store and begin to look all around, being able to choose from all of the clothes that are upon the shelves. I wish to be able to sleep in my boyfriend’s favorite t-shirt. He smells nice, so I would want his scent to linger upon me.  I want my life to be so simple. But nothing seems to be so easy.

When I’m just wasting days on my computer, reading through my Pinterest for suggestions on how to shred these pounds, yet still continuing to sit upon my butt, I find other interesting topics that keep my mind happy and drawn off of this matter in my life that seems to keep me in my deep, dank hole. At times, the random facts I always stumble upon always help me to get through these days. I always ponder if life is too short. I found that is false. It is the longest thing that I do. Is there really love in the air? False. Nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide are in the air. I have always wondered if it is darkest before the dawn? Nope; incorrect. Best possible darkness occurs at roughly two am. Growing up, we were all told that the United States is the land of the free, but, that is false. The USA has more prisoners per capita than any other county in this world. Is home really where the heart is? Another false. The chest cavity is where the heart is. “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars.” Wrong. The nearest star is 93 million miles from the moon. Is love all you really need? False. You need water and rations.

These were useless pieces of nothing that I need, but they make me feel that I have added to the emptiness that is filling my head. This emptiness that seems to fill my head is what I always believe how my stomach feels. I eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and other snacks in between, yet my guy can eat breakfast and wait twelve or more hours to eat dinner. I know that I could wait, but I sometimes wonder if this my body wants me to do. Mostly, I’m sure I eat out of boredom. So, I know that I need to change all of this.

I wasn’t picked on when I was younger. I consider myself lucky. I know that when growing up at a certain age, any girl is subject to bullying. I never really had too much trouble walking up to other children and just joining in on the fun. I did feel like I was supposed to have a boyfriend while in high school, I felt the only reason no guy responded to my smiles was because I wasn’t the same shape as every girl in the school. I still did not let myself sink into that hole that I knew was trying to drag me down. I joined the school’s theater club to help me on my happy path.

In my world, I felt awesome.  I was able to be up on that stage in a theater group. I was able to make so many friends being involved in this that I have lost count. These were real friends, too. These are people I am still in touch with fifteen years after our last day of high school. They did not judge me by my round butt, or wide hips. They did not care that fat hung off my arms or that I had to buy my clothes in the adult woman’s section. They liked me for me.

Even in my older years, since 32 is such an old age, I am still able to do this. I have my days where I critic the way I look more than I’m sure any other person around me is even doing. I think I’m more judgmental now about my appearance than I was in my younger years. When I am getting ready to shower, I will stand and pick and pull at every piece of my body in the mirror. I will stand and mentally tell myself that I need to change what is in front of me. I need to get rid of this piece and that piece. Even though there is a person in another room that I know loves me for me, I still feel that I need to wake up the next day and the body that I have been wishing for, for the past fifteen years is what I hope to see in the mirror. I know this will change. I can feel it.

eat lose weight

My Normal Life

Does Anybody Ever Know What Time It Is?

As a Stephanie, I am a person. I am spiritually intense. My name brings love and new stars into life. I do feel that I have more love for people or whoever’s, no matter how much they aggravate me. I do tend to have an exciting life, if I do say so myself.

I have always known I have artistic visions. I am a writer, after all. So apparently, I can pass that off to my name. Along with those visions, I am always looking for an opportunity to do research of the unknown. Hold on a second while I go retrieve one of my books about a haunted dwelling. Maybe I, a Stephanie, will also one day figure out what the meaning of life is. Perhaps this would help me grow wise and to understand people more.

So then how do I become a writer when I can’t even begin to write out all of these other ideas that are in my head? I want to write how Brian and I met and fell in love. I want to write about how a group of fat girls gathered together, created fake profiles as good looking skinny girls, then began to murder the boys who had rejected them. That is the idea I want to have the most fun with, yet I have no idea how to begin it! I try to make myself sit down and write. I want to make myself write! I want to be a writer! I have so many ideas from my Pinterest. Stupid Pinterest. I have my phone remind me every three days, I believe, to write, yet, when it goes off, I do not abide by it. I just ignore it, as I have been doing when it beeps at me to exercise. How am I supposed to write about all of these ideas in my head when I can’t seem to motivate myself? I can’t seem to think about where to start. Where did all these authors begin? Did they start at those first words in the books that are sitting upon my shelf?

It doesn’t matter what I write about. No person will read what I have to say. No one on this Earth even listens to me, so why would they read what I even write about? I could walk into a room, filled corner to corner, shoulder to shoulder with people, wriggle my way up onto the stage just to be ignored as I was shouting through a megaphone that there were free tacos at the bar. So why would anyone even want to read about what I have been doing these past few months? No person would even read what I did yesterday. I could fall off of a cliff and no person on this planet would even notice.

My life is still standing. It’s all in one piece. Why do I even write? Does anyone, other than my mother, even read any of this? If you do; please raise your hand. I need to be acknowledged in some way. I need to not be ignored. You may say that I’m not, but I often feel that I am.

I am ignored in more ways. When I think plans were made between me and somebody, my excitement begins to build as that day approaches. I repeatedly glance at my phone, expecting a reminder or a mention of what we had spoken of a few days prior to this date. Then, when that day arrives, my phone is still empty, my messages still ignored, my emotion of loneliness and aggravation begins to rise inside of me. Zack, my poor stuffed zebra, begins to endure the pain of me squeezing out all of these irritations into him. Poor little guy. My phone is empty. My life is empty. I am empty. Like I had mentioned above, I could leave my life and no person would notice. I sometimes want to.

I should do that one day. Just disappear, like my ideas for writing tend to do. If I had a better car, I would just hop into it just to drive anywhere and everywhere without mumbling a word to anyone. If I had the ability to venture away from my pharmacy for more than 30 days, I would do this. Yet, as I am one of those individuals who cannot go a single day without taking their medication I feel like I can’t venture far. Well, in a way, I can, yet I would just be on the floor, arms and legs swinging around from side to side, my mind having no idea who any person in the room was. Not that I ever do, even now.

I could be in a room with other people, talking to some of them, when suddenly another one feels that what they have to say cannot wait a single second longer so they must explode into the middle of my conversation, drawing all attention away from me. I can’t seem to get attention back to me. When I try to, word over word, take over; nothing. I can’t even try to begin a new conversation when there are a few seconds of silence. I begin to speak, yet when another person does and BAM! All attention is on them. So I just slink back into my dark hole.

From my dark hole, I saw you guys were having some fun this weekend. From all of those pictures, it looked like you and a group of people were having a spur of the moment gathering. Haha; was your phone broken? I can understand if this was a family gathering, but when I catch a glance of people who I do usually see at a big, planned event, I can almost feel my dark hole calling my name again. Especially when I know I had called you that night.

Looking around my bedroom, from my bed that I feel there isn’t really any reason to get out of these days, I am beginning to see things that I don’t feel is belonging to me anymore; my life. I am feeling there is a giant magnet somehow pulling me back to my younger years. Not that I’m old, but I am not supposed to be able to make my own decisions without being required to clear it all with the warden first. If my plans are to be out for the evening, I must have a minute by minute detail of where I will be, what I will be doing, who I will be with. I am beginning to feel as if I have a curfew. When I do come in at the wretched hour of three am, I must sneak past my parents OPEN bedroom door. How do I know they’re really sleeping and not looking at the clock, waiting for me to wander in?

Yet when I seem to write about any of this, no person will ever know. So, I’ll just keep it all shoved into my overflowing mind as I continue to sit alone on my couch. Las Vegas, here I come.

I am a writer